Why Buchrim are Cowards

“Just Do It” – Nike coined this slogan in the late 1980’s and it was chosen by Advertising Age as one of the top five ad slogans of the 20th century. The chachma behind these three words goes way beyond just marketing athletic equipment! It applies to various aspects of life. Whether you need to muster up the energy to go to the gym after an exhausting day at work or finding the courage to speak in front of a room full of people…you are always subconsciously saying to yourself ‘Just Do It’ in order to make things happen! One area that I find this phrase particularly applicable, and an area that I’m sure Philip Knight and the people over at Nike didn’t fathom it would have any bearing, is in regards to the shidduch scene! Whenever most buchrim spot an attractive meidel, we have a tendency to freeze up and not do anything! Instead we take it upon ourselves to do some Facebook/Google stalking in order to find out who she is and how we can get set up with her! The ball is in our court, and we are essentially looking to a 3rd party to have them take control of our destiny! Why don’t we seize the opportunity, go up to the meidel, strike up a conversation, and ask for her number? Why do we always look to a third party to make things happen instead of taking Nike’s advice, mustering up some courage, and JUST DO IT?

There are 3 main reasons why buchrim fear approaching a meidel:

1) Fear of being called sketchy – Let’s knock this one off first! Asking someone out is not sketchy! Asking someone out takes confidence and guts! It’s also a very effective way of taking out someone that you are actually interested in, as opposed to waiting for a random shaddchan on Saw You at Sinai to set you up with someone strictly because your profiles both say that you are ‘non-smokers’ and are looking for someone who ‘wants to make Aliyah.’ It seems like only recently that asking someone out directly has become a ‘sketchy’ activity! Let’s clarify what sketchy is/is not:

Hanging out in dark ally ways = sketchy

Spending hours on OnlySimchas looking through pictures of people you don’t know = sketchy

Asking out a girl at the sefarim sale = not sketchy!

Ladies, next time a buchur has the courage to approach you in the YU library and make conversation, you should be flattered that he finds you attractive! You should also keep in mind that he had the guts to do what most other YU guys just sit in the Beis Medresh and dream about!

2) Fear of being labeled a stalker – Being labeled a stalker is a pretty harsh way to describe someone. 20 years ago people would associate the world stalker with individuals who used binoculars to spy on their neighbors, now people throw that term around like it’s going out of style!

Some examples:

Meidel: “Some guy asked me out at the sefarim sale today!”
Her friends: “What a stalker!”

Meidel: “Some guy in the library today asked me a question!”
Her Friends: “Sketchy stalker!”

Meidel: “Stalker!”
Her Friends: “The YU guy that sat next to you on the inter-campus shuttle last week because the rest of the shuttle was full!”
Meidel: “Correct!”

Ladies, don’t flatter yourself! Just because a buchur asks you out in the library or sits next to you on the shuttle doesn’t mean he has any interest in observing your day to day activities or watching you through your window at Brookdale! He probably just thinks you are a cutie and want to take you to Starbucks for coffee! In fact, it’s the guys in the library that just stare at you, but don’t say anything that you should be worried about! Those are the guys that are going on Facebook when they get back to their room and are going to poke you!

3) Fear of disturbing the meidel – This is the silliest excuse for a guy not to approach a girl, especially on YU campus! There is only one reason why a young, single, frum girl goes to Washington Heights and that’s to find a nice YU buchur to build a bayis ne’eman with! Any other reason you might hear is just nonsensical! Many girls say they come up to go to ‘study’ in the YU library! Well, what about your library? What about Starbucks? What about the lounge in your dorm? What about your dorm room? The Sefarim Sale is another great excuse for a meidel to come uptown. There are quite a few Judaic stores in midtown where they can purchase sefarim, Shweky CDs, or other shtark paraphernalia all year round! The Purim chagigah/yom ha’atmaut festivities are another time meidels trek to the heights! Don’t kid yourself; the Sternies aren’t coming for the stale YU cookies, soda, or to dance. Most of their time is spent in front of Rubin Hall waiting for the buchrim to come outside! Bottom line: When you see a girl on YU campus, if she isn’t there to see her boy friend, she is there to find one! No other reason holds water!

Don’t kid yourself! It’s very challenging for a buchur to go up to a girl he has never met before and make conversation with her, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and say “Just Do It.” One evening I was on the 4th floor of the YU library and was talking to a friend of mine. As we are speaking I spotted a meidel coming towards me with a pile of books in her arms and head phones. As she rushes by me to look for a seat, she dropped her head phones. Like a good buchur I picked them up, hand them to her, and notice that she is a cutie! [There are times in your life when you surprise yourself…this was one of those times!] I turned to my friend and wrapped up our discussion then proceeded to walk around the floor looking for where this cutie ran off to. Then I spotted her! She was in the back corner of the library with an open desk next to her! Without hesitating I walked over and sat down next to her. [Until this point anyone can do what I did. I really just followed her and sat down next to her, but what happened next took some luck, some wit, and some guts.] I got lucky when she asked me if I could watch her textbook while she stepped out for a minute. I was witty when she came back, thanked me, and I said “I don’t think anyone is going to steal your organic chemistry book.” The guts came into play after we spoke for an hour and I asked her for her number. And I got lucky again when she gave it to me! I’m not sure if there is a YU hall of fame, but if there is, I will surely be enshrined there! I will be inducted as one of the few buchrim, who went to the YU library, saw a cutie, and asked her for her number! Although we didn’t build a bayis ne’eman together, this incident gave me confidence and hope! It gave me the confidence to know that it’s possible for an ordinary buchur to approach a meidel and ask her out (it doesn’t just take place in the movies)! And it gave me the hope to know that one day, in the not to distant future, guys and girls can ask one another out and not be labeled “sketchy stalkers!”

10 Reasons Why Guys Won’t Date You

A couple months ago I wrote a piece entitled “10 reasons why stern girls won’t date me.” Since then many girls have approached me and told me that guys were also incredibly ridiculous when it came to dating. Being a guy myself, I found it hard to believe that buchrim could be irrational. This all changed a couple months ago at a shabbos meal by my friend’s apartment. As the meal progressed, the conversation naturally began to move towards the shidduch scene. As I sat there taking in the conversation I listened as the buchrim described in detail what they want in a meidel. One buchur spoke up and said “I will not date so and so because her tooth is crooked.” Another buchur spoke up and said “She is an awesome girl, but there is no way I would date her…she’s from Brooklyn!” Someone at the end of the table chimed in and said “I would NEVER date a Brovender’s girl!” And then it hit me! Guys are really just as absurd as meidels when it comes to going on a date! Due to my new enlighten view of the shidduch crisis; I decided it was only fair to list 10 frequently used reasons why buchrim reject meidels…and my analysis.

1) “I’m not into the look” – Attraction is very important! I want to make that clear before I give buchrim a hard dose of reality! If there is no element of attraction, than you should not go out with the person! Period! End of Story! It seems like only recently that people have developed this notion that “looks will grow on you.” This is nonsensical. Would you purchase a painting you find hideous with the hope that over time you will come to like it? Of course not! Obviously, I am not equating a bas yisroel to a painting because there are many more aspects to a person than just appearance, however, why would you date a girl with the hope that one day you might be attracted to her? It’s just irrational! That being said I think guys need to be realistic. YOU’RE NOT BRAD PITT! In fact, you are probably far from it! Before you go around listing exact physical specifications of what you are looking for in a girl, take a look in the mirror! If you have a pop belly, acne, and constantly look disheveled, then maybe you should be a little less rigid on your physical requirements for your bashert (you may also want to consider getting a gym membership)!

2) “I won’t go out with a girl from that seminary” – Believe it or not there are guys that go to KBY that smoke weed and go clubbing, just like there are those in Michlala that enjoy those same types of activities! Yes, you read that correctly! There are naughty people in every school, just like every school has their share of quality people. The spectrum of people in each yeshiva/seminary varies widely and you shouldn’t use a school to label the person! Another red flag for buchrim is often that a girl didn’t go to Israel at all! Just because a meidel doesn’t go to Israel for a year doesn’t mean she is a shixa! In fact, there is a good chance that she is less phony than girls that do spend a year in Israel getting brainwashed…oops, I meant learning!

3) “She went to Stern” – I heard this from both YU buchrim and people at secular college. They say girls are just in Stern to get their “MRS” instead of an actual degree. First of all, Stern has a rigorous dual curriculum that can’t be matched by any other university. Secondly, just like seminaries have a wide range of students, so does Stern. There are pre-med girls, pre-law girls, and girls pursuing one of the fields of therapy, as well as meidels that are just looking to get married. There are many options out there. Thirdly, since when did it become a bad thing for a girl to want to get married and be a good wife? That’s a pretty noble goal! It’s better then marrying a high powered corporate attorney who you’ll never see or speak to!

4) “She is comfortable with guys” - Several times I’ve tried setting up a buchur with fine bas yisroel and I got this response as a reason why they won’t take the girl out! Thinking that they might assume that they aren’t frum I proceeded to clarify that they literally are just comfortable talking to the opposite gender and don’t indulge in any hanky panky! The buchur clarified and said “I don’t care if there is no hanky panky, I don’t want a girl that is comfortable in the presence of guys because I am not comfortable with girls!” Are you kidding me? Most guys overcome the fear of talking to girls at some point in high school, but since you seem to be a bit slow in this area you are looking to find a girl that is equally socially retarded as you are?!?!? That’s absurd! If anything you should look for a girl that is comfortable in social situations so she can help you overcome your social issues!

5) “I refuse to go out with a girl that is majoring in one of the therapies” – I had a friend who is a big shot financier say these words to me. I don’t really understand the logic behind this. From what I understand, pursuing a career in one of the therapies can pay well and is also very flexible, which is quite suitable to someone who wants to raise a family. However, the most important issue as to why going into one of the therapies is a wise career decision is the fact that it’s not cyclical like other industries. There will always be people that need physical therapy because of some type of injury! Regardless of the economic conditions there will always be people with speech impediments! Despite the freeze in the banking sector, there will always be children with hand writing problems that an occupational therapist can fix. As I write this, I’m sure there a plenty hot shot lawyers, financiers, accountants, and businessmen who are reconsidering their career path!

6) “Won’t go out with someone unless her father must makes more than 400k a year” – Yup, someone actually said that to me! Not sure how the material success of a girl’s father is relevant to the compatibility of two individuals for the sake of marriage, but there are some real freaks out there! I can only imagine how tricky it is to try to obtain this information!

You: “Mr. Goldstein, you daughter is very nice, very, pretty, and is exactly what I am looking for in a girl.”
Mr. Goldstein: “Great, I’m glad you think so highly of her!”
You: “Yeah, so I’d like to take her out, but there is just one more thing I need from you.”
Mr. Goldstein: “Sure, you seem like a nice young man! What can I tell you?”
You: “Well, I’d like a copy of your financial statements for the last 10 years and also a copy of your most recent tax filing. Also, if you don’t mind I’d like to get cash flow projections and various other financial and tax information. Do you mind if I speak to your financial advisor and accountant or do you think you can just fax that over to me by noon?”

As you can imagine, I bet things will get super awkward from this point forward. Ladies, it’s one thing for someone to ask what shul you go to, if you’re a good cook, and for a picture of you, but once someone starts inquiring about your families personal finances…I would run in the other direction!

7) “I have my eye on someone else” – Wow, sounds like you are really in the middle of something intense! Wouldn’t want to break up something so serious! You fool! When someone has a quality girl to set you up with, unless you are in the middle of a relationship, you should go for it! What is this nonsense about having your eye on someone? Saying that you have your eye on someone just means that you spotted someone that you thought was cute, but don’t have the guts to bust in there and ask her out! Since you lack the confidence to ask someone out, I would suggest taking people up on their offers when they have a good girl for you!

8) I don’t date NY girls”– This is a very common phrase I hear amongst guys. Let’s face it, NYers are quite intense and out of towners are generally just much sweeter human beings! However, the fact of the matter is, there are sweet girls in NY…I’ve actually met some! Despite the reputation that NY girls have earned for themselves, one shouldn’t write off a potential date just because their family resides in NY. Believe it or not there are quality girls in NY…even in Brooklyn/Long Island…they are just harder to find!

9) “Her mother is fat” – Let me address this one by illustrating the following scenario: Let’ fast forward two decades from now. You’ve just spent the last 20 years of your life working long hours trying to put your kids through modern orthodox schools. Your spare time is spent dragging your kids from basketball practice, to SAT classes, to piano lessons, etc. After years and years of working and schlepping will you still be able to maintain your chiseled abs? Will you be able to maintain your healthy eating habits on the road and under the extreme stress of providing for your family? Will you be able to maintain your athletic underwear model figure? If you answered no to any of these questions, or if you lack that type of superior physique now, then maybe you should stop being so critical of other people’s mothers!

10) “I don’t want to go out on a blind date…I want to meet someone in a natural setting.” – Well isn’t that lovely! Don’t we all want that perfect Hollywood love story! We meet at a friend’s birthday party, its love at first site, the person fulfills all our dreams and desires, and then we ride off into the sunset and build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel together! NOW WELCOME BACK TO REALITY! This isn’t the movies! Most of us don’t have our bashert just fall into our lap like that! Anything in life that is worthwhile takes effort, sweat and tears! If you are “in the parsha” than you should be trying all different methods of finding your bashert (blind dates, asking people out yourself, online sites, getting friends to set you up, etc.). It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I watch one of those chick flicks, but you have to keep in mind…it’s just a movie! As long as you are doing your part in this shidduch game, then we can always hope that we will find someone in a Hollywood manner, but in the meantime there is a very good chance that we will meet our own price/princess on a shidduch date!

To all the buchrim out there: You need to make sure that what you’re looking for in a shidduch is realistic based on what you have to offer. Believe it or not, despite what you’d like to think about yourselves, you have faults too! Before you expect the most beautiful MMY girls, whose fathers’ make over 400k a year to fall for you, ask yourself “what do I have to offer in return?” What do you have to offer that will make a girl want to look past your pop belly, poor social skills, subpar hygiene, and lack of drive? For example: Seal married Heidi Klum. Heidi is one of the most beautiful meidels in the world, and Seal happens to be an objectively ugly individual! However, Seal has the voice of an angel! If he sang to me, I might even consider dating him! Seal had something to offer that earned him Heidi’s hand in marriage because she was able to look past his ugly exterior and into his neshama. As we all work hard to find our respective basherts, it is imperative that we remain true to ourselves, and constantly work to refine our character, neshama, and physique before we’ve earned the right to critique others!





[Note: I'd like to thank Penina and Usher for their various insights to this post. May you both be zoche to find your respective basherts in the near term.]

Shadchan Lingo

I have someone for you!"- I remember feeling elated in my early YU days after hearing those 5 magical words. That short phrase used to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I felt that someone had finally found my bashert, and we would soon build a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel together. As time went on, those beautiful feelings vanished and I became more skeptical after hearing those words. I began to understand the real meaning of various phrases used by shadchanim when trying to convince me to take out a particular meidel. I'm sure any guy or girl that has been in the "parsha” (dating scene) for at least a couple of months can decipher the following popular phraseology. If you have yet to decode the “shadchan lingo”, and constantly find yourself being set up with “not shayich” individuals, allow me to enlighten you so you don’t get fooled again!

1) “I have someone for you” – An accurate translation for this phrase is very often “I have a friend that I’m looking to set up. You’re a guy, she’s a girl…so I figured why not?” Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are people that actually think about the compatibility of two individuals before they decide to make a suggestion, however, I have found that there are plenty of people out there who just want to get their friends married and they think you might be willing to take one for the team! Beware!

2) “She is very nice” – Amongst many buchrim, this phrase has become synonymous with saying “she is very ugly!” Saying someone is nice doesn’t mean anything other than the shaddchan doesn’t know much about the girl. If the meidel is a kind-hearted individual they will describe her middot and different chesed projects that she is involved in. If they wanted to describe her as being a caring person than they will describe her as “caring” or “sweet.” Anybody and everybody can be described as “nice.” Next time someone describes a meidel as being “nice”, follow up by asking the shadchan to elaborate on what activities she is involved in that makes her any nicer than the Michlala girl you went out with last week.

3) “Well, I think she is attractive” – This line is a response to the very legitimate question of “Is she good looking?” Despite what some people tell you about “beauty being on the inside”, “her looks will grow on you” and other such nonsense, there must be an element of attraction between the guy and girl or else there is really nothing to talk about. When a shadchan answers such an imperative question by telling you what she thinks …have no doubts, she is NOT a looker!

4) “He is involved in business” – This is commonly said to girls about guys. When a friend of mine from Stern told me that this is how some shadchans describe a guy’s profession, it is clear that there are only two possibilities on what the buchur does for a living: 1) Something illegal 2) Nothing. It’s usually the latter. Most employed people can describe in a word or two there line of work (example: Doctor, physical therapist, rabbi, financier, body builder, shepherd, yoga instructor, developer, underwear model, kollelnic, etc.). Being “involved in business” generally means “being involved in the business of doing nothing.” Ladies, unless you are looking to be involved the next major Ponzi scheme or want to spend the rest of your life supporting your husband, I would hold out for something better!

5) “He/She is very modern” – Before I started dating I used to associate the word “modern” with advancements in technology. A hybrid car would come to mind or maybe a slick new iPod. However, once I began immersing myself into this bizarre shidduch world the word “modern” has developed a whole new meaning. When asked to describe someone’s religious level I would occasionally hear “Oh, she is modern.” I was befuddled by such a description of someone’s level of religious observance, but overtime I began to notice that modern=less observant. Here is a measurement of religious level based on the usage of the word “modern”:“Modern” = Girl wears pants; guy wears jeans and goes to the movies“Very Modern” = Pants, movies jeans, no minyan, keeps kosher when convenient, definitely not shomer negiah.“Very Very Modern” = Attends shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. May have some matzah on Pesach.The end.Conversely, you would think that someone who is very observant would be described as “old fashion” or “Amish”, but I have yet to hear that terminology, which leads me to question the usage of the word.

6) “She /he was valedictorian in high school” –I don’t even know who the valedictorian was of my high school class! Nor do I know the valedictorian of my college class, which was more recent! Why on Earth would I care if someone excelled in their AP classes in high school? Some people don’t stop there, and they go on to describe how they were the starting point guard on the basketball team, and was captain of the chess team for their junior and senior years. WHO THE HECK CARES!?!? Did this individual do nothing worth mentioning since high school that is slightly more important than a high SAT score or having a good game against Ramaz in the playoffs? Here is some advice: Unless we are having a pickup basketball game or some type of academic decathlon, why the heck do I care about someone’s grades and extracurricular activities prior to college? It only leads me to speculate that this person reached their maximum capabilities at the tender age of 18!

7) "He's a healthy Build" – I almost burst out laughing when a girl told me that some shadchans describe a guys like this. Let me be perfectly frank about this comment. This guy is not healthy! Neither is his “build!”He spends way too much time eating at KD! Other phrases that are poor attempts to hide a buchurs weight include: "Well he isn’t a stick” (no, he is far from it!) and “he has some meat on him" (He’s a fattie!). Unless you are one of the few and rare meidels who just came back from Israel and is totally focused on ruchneeus and doesn’t care at all about gashmeeus, this should be a red flag!

To conclude: During your shidduch dating years plenty of people are going to try setting you up by pushing their own agenda. They will try to set you up with their good friend who can’t get a date, their spouse’s close friend who has been complaining about how she is 23 and still not married or someone else that they classify as being nebby that they are trying to marry off. It’s of the utmost important that you stand up to these people who try to pin you with their not shayich friends by using their deceiving “shadchan lingo.” Meidels: Stand up and let the shadchanim know that you aren’t interested in guys with “healthy builds! Make it clear that you want a clear description of what type of business a buchur is “involved in” before you decide to spend an evening with him! Buchrim: Make it clear that “very nice” girls aren’t your cup of tea and if you inquire how a meidel looks, you want a picture! Not the opinion of some shadchan you never met! Stand up for yourselves and do it now! If you wait too long you may very well end up with a very nice, modern, high school valedictorian, with a healthy build, who plans on being involved in business that some shady shadchan that you never met finds attractive!

Building the “Ultimate Shidduch Resume”

I was sitting in my cubicle one morning, hard at work, and I received an e-mail from my good friend Usher. Typically our e-mails are reserved for business use only, but today the e-mail contained just one cryptic line saying: "Jon, I think I'm going to take out the resume girl." After asking Usher what in the world he was talking about he proceeded to explain to me that he received an e-mail from a shadchan about a girl he should take out and attached was a copy of her "shidduch resume." Intrigued, I told him to send me this "shidduch resume." Until that point the only resume I have ever heard of was a resume used to obtain a job so this whole concept was quite foreign to me. As I skimmed through her resume there were two things that I noticed: 1) Her mother obviously wrote it for her 2) This girl has spent every minute of her life since high school, working towards finding her bashert. She went to all the right schools, camps and had all the right hobbies that will allow her to find a shtark buchur. Then it dawned on me, if I had to put together a shidduch resume it would be far from ideal. So I began to ponder...if an individual has the foresight after high school (apparently everything that takes place before Israel doesn't really matter), what would be the ideal steps to take in order to build "The Ultimate Shidduch Resume."

Israel: The essential first step for building the Ultimate Shidduch Resume is to pick the right Yeshiva or Seminary. A common misconception is to pick the Yeshiva or Seminary that "is right for you." But in reality everyone knows the key is to pick the one that makes you the most marketable for shidduch purposes! For the girls these seem to be: Michlala, MMY, and Shalavim. For the buchrim: KBY, Shalavim, and Gush. OJ is an interesting choice because sometimes it sounds good, and sometimes people just assume that you were a crack head. It's all about how you play your cards. Naturally, shana bet is a MUST for all guys!

College: This is a great time for people to get back to their old high school ways or to take everything they've learned over the past 2 years and "chuck it" and go completely off the derech. That being said, it is imperative to pick the right college so it won't lead anyone to make non-shtark assumptions! For the girls there seem to be only 3 "shtark" choices: Stern, Barnard, and Touro (in that order). For the buchrim: Landers, YU, and possibly Penn. Over the past few years, Landers has come out of nowhere to dethrone YU as the shtark college of choice. Maybe it's because you can get a degree in a year and half without showing up to class, or maybe it's because the Rabbi's at YU are "too modern." Either way, Yasher Koach to Landers! I've seen some Yeshivaish guys at Penn. That's a risky choice, and a major opportunity to be labeled "modern." Be careful!

Majors/Acceptable professions: Let's call a spade a spade; there are very few "shayich" majors or professions for Jews! If you pick something that doesn't sound familiar or is not the norm, you are leaving yourself wide open to criticism such as "he doesn't know what he wants to do" or various other condescending comments. Girls must major in a therapy (physical, speech, etc.) or education! Apparently those are the most desirable fields for a good bas yisroel. Guys have several options: Smicha/Learning (hottest field right now), Pre-med, Pre-law, Accounting. Smicha has recently surpassed pre-med as the most desirable field to pursue. It used to be that a mother wanted to tell all her friends that her son was a doctor. Now to say that he "learns" full time seems to be the most appealing field for the shidduch resume.

Summer Plans: Another great time to go off the derech, or to indulge in your tyvas! There are very few muttur options during the summer and an internship is NOT one of them! The two options are the same for both meidels and buchrim. They are: 1) Work at HASC 2) Kollel. Beware! There are some kollels that are not muttur (i.e. Lavi Kollel = too modern). HASC is a great option because you kill 3 birds with one stone. You are doing chesed work, you have ample opportunity to interact with likeminded eligible individuals of the opposite gender, AND you get a HASC sweatshirt...which leads me to my next point....

Appropriate Attire: This is so important because it helps people filter out the quality singles from the low quality singles. Let me explain: It's important to wear the right clothing so you can be spotted from the distance as being of "high quality." The way for a buchur/meidel too differentiate between high quality and low quality is by their attire (not by having a conversation with them...that's very old school). Everyone knows that HASC counselors are in high demand, as are smicha students, and Michlala girls. Is there a better way to let people know that you’ve worked at HASC, are in smicha, or went to Michlala than by wearing your HASC sweatshirt EVERYWHERE (i.e. seforim sale, shuttle stop, on the shuttle, stern shababtons, yachad shabbatons, YU library, Chanukah concert, Purim chagigah, Yom haa'atzmaut, etc.). Other acceptable attire includes black pants and white shirt for guys. For the girls, make sure as little skin as possible is showing, and of course black and white are the only muttur colors!

Hobbies: An observation I've made is that hobbies are not so "frum" (movies = assur, traveling = might see pritzus, skiing = issur dorisa and not tznius, etc.). However, there are several activities that one can do for "fun" that can pass for hobbies. These activities include: Working at HASC, working at the seforim sale, organizing yachad shabbatons, shidduch dating, attending shiurim, and going to your friend’s engagement parties/weddings. However, you must be very careful! If you have too much fun, or are involved in an activity that seems too exciting, you might get the label of being "too modern."

As for me, my shidduch resume is a disaster! I was in the Rosh Yeshiva's shiur, but I went to Reishit ("too modern", "building is too nice"), I went to YU, but I was in the Stone Beis Medresh Program and not the Maazer Yeshiva Program ("not a serious learner"). I majored and now work in Finance ("Guess he wasn't cut out for medicine or law school"). My summers consisted of me having finance internships too build my professional resume (I should have been working on my shidduch resume). My attire usually consists of khaki pants and a button down shirt, unless I'm at work where I need to wear a suit, and on Sunday I occasionally wear jeans ("too modern"). And my hobbies consist of me going out to eat with friends (should be in the beis medresh!), going to movies ("too modern"), going skiing (“not tznius”), and going traveling ("I might see pritzus"). I'm happy to say that I do go to friends engagement parties/weddings, I attend shiurium, and I once worked at the SOY seforim sale (I kind of shot myself in the foot when I was quoted in the YU commentator as saying that I worked at the seforim sale "...to meet cute Michlala girls."). Through every step of my post Israel life I have continued to shoot myself in the foot and further destroy my already awful shidduch resume to the point where not a single Michlala, MMY, or Sha'alavim girl would ever consider dating me...I guess it’s good thing I'm into Harovah girls!!!!

10 Reasons why Stern girls won't date me (and my analysis)!

This post was originally written on 1/4/2009

As any honest single Jew can tell you, the shidduch scene today is nothing less than absurd! Whether it's the silly questions during the initial screening process, the abnormal interaction between guys and girls, or the analysis of every single detail of a date. All of these areas can be discussed and critiqued at great length do to their absurdity; however, the area I'd like to focus on is the excuses I've been given as to why various Stern girls won't go out with me. Keep in minded that I've been rejected by quite a few Sternies, so I'd just like to pick my ten favorite/most frequently heard rejections:

1) "She hasn't started dating yet" - What the heck does this even mean?!?!? When girls come back from seminary do they have a letter from their rabbi of an exact date when they can declare themselves eligible to date? And since when did a single date become such a big deal? We aren't chassidish! I have no intention of proposing after the second date. In fact, there is a good chance that the only thing that the meidel will talk about is the summers she spent working at HASC, which will put me to sleep and there won't even be a second date! Give it a go! Declare yourself eligible…it’s only a date!

2) "She wants to make Aliyah" - That's cool! Maybe I do too! Maybe I want to move to LA. Maybe I want to move to Brunei or perhaps move to Africa and join the Dinka tribe. But that is something that can be discussed over a first date. One should look to marry a person, not a piece of land! Granted Israel is an important piece of land, but believe it or not the Torah is portable and one can build a home with Torah values anywhere in the world, just like Jews have been doing for centuries. The most important thing is who you build your life with, not where!

3) "You wear jeans" - Yes I do. Some Sundays if I have nothing too important planned, I get a little rebellious and break out my jeans! Ohhhhhhh God! Not jeans! NOT FREAKIN JEANS! HE'S A SHAYGITZ! WHAT'S NEXT, YOU GANNA START HAVING ILLICIT RELATIONS ON YOM KIPPUR IN FRONT OF THE ARON KODESH WHILE EATING A CHEESE BURGER? C'mon. Jeans are tznius. I apologize, but the penguin look (black and white), just doesn't do it for me!

4) An irrelevant 3rd party just "doesn't see it" – This excuse is the #1 cause of the shidduch crisis! You want to be set up with a certain individual and you ask someone who you thought was your friend to mention it to the person and they reply "Yeah...I don't see it!" Of course you don't see it! I know you’re not a prophet! I would never impose on you to predict the future! That's why I asked you to mention it to the person that I want to take out, not to make a prediction of if we will be married! If someone asks you to set them up with someone, mention it to the person and let them make the decision!

5) "I'm in the middle of something" (i.e. went on 1 date with someone else) - Let's clarify something! Going on one date with someone isn't being in the middle of something! Going out for a couple months is "in the middle!" Going on one date barley qualifies as "the beginning" because nothing of substance has even started yet! And for the record, it is completely muttur to go on a first date with multiple people at the same time...just ask your parents or anyone from the previous generation!

6) "She's actually applying to medical school now" - So? That's like me saying "Yeah, I'd love to go out today, but I'm actually planning on filling up on gas....kinda takes a lot out of me!" Obviously, I am not equating the difficulty level of applying to medical school to filling up on gas (unless you are from NJ like myself, and don't know how to pump your own gas), but come on! If you were taking the MCATs in a week than that's a different ball game. Applying to medical school shouldn't consume your whole life! If it does consume your entire existence, than I feel bad for you, your family, your future husband, and may God have mercy on your soul...

7) "I want someone that learns X-teen hours a day" - No you don't! Who do you think you're fooling? Let me tell you what you, and all Stern girls want: You want to live in a suburb of NYC (i.e. Teaneck), you want to go to Israel for succos, Arizona for Pesach, to send your kids to a modern orthodox yeshiva, modern orthodox camps, and you want to have tons of shiny jewelry! Unless you have someone sponsoring your marriage (i.e. your parents or in-laws) and your husband is a kollelnic with zero responsibilities, than try to be more realistic. If you find a buchur who makes a legitimate effort to go to minyan 3x a day and schedules in time to learn daily, in addition to having a steady income, than you have found yourself a quality buchur and you should be quite satisfied! [For the meidels who have just returned Israel: Save this and read it again in a year when you get more in tune with reality! Right now you're probably just assuming that I'm off the derech and practice avoda zarah.]

8) "I don't date guys that go to the movies" - I rarely watch TV, and only go to movies on occasion. But if your judgmental enough to not go on a date with someone because you found out that they have attended or plan on attending the occasional film, and not look at a single other aspect of their personality, than you aren't mature enough to be dating and I’m sorry that I spent anymore than 5 seconds looking into you! NEXT!!!!

9) "Does he want to take off time to learn in Israel" - Actually I did that already...it was called shana aleph and it took place after high school! As beautiful as it sounds to move to Israel for a year after marriage to "learn and grow together" some people need to get a job and don't have the luxury of parents or in-laws that want to sponsor their marriage until the newlyweds decide to get their act together!

10) "He has too many friends" - I kid you not! Someone said they weren't interested in dating me because I have too many friends! I never realized that having friends would hurt me! Is being socially awkward what the Stern girls are looking for now? Maybe it is! Social awkwardness and being boring seem to be the two most appealing things on Sternies shidduch wish list.

To conclude: I feel the overall themes of these rejections were the lack of honesty and the inability to be in tune with reality! If you aren't into my look because I wear jeans or work out, than just say so! If you don't like the fact that I'm driven enough to get a job and make a parnasa than I'm cool with that! If minayn 3x a day and an evening chevrusa just don't cut it than please just be honest – you are looking to marry a kollenic and want to move to Bnai Brak, not a YU graduate! If the fact that I am in tune with reality bothers you, then maybe you need to be honest with yourself and hold off on dating until you come back to the real world! In the meantime, the only excuse that I have ever taken as being valid consists of only two words: "I'm married!"

[This post was published in the March 20th, 2009 addition of the Jewish Press: http://www.thejewishpress.com/pageroute.do/24030]