The Reason Why You’re Not Married Yet: Your Friends!

Several weeks ago I was walking with a few friends to the subway when we ran into two fine meidels. I was good friends with one meidel, and the other one was a super cutie that I’ve never met before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries we were on our way. The following day I followed up with my friend and asked her to set me up with the super cutie. She responded by saying “No, I don’t see it! You eat at coed meals on the Upper West Side on Shabbos…she would never date you!” As absurd as this excuse may sound, I’m sure that everyone reading this article can identify with a similar experience. At some point in our dating lives we have all asked someone, who we thought was our friend, to set us up, and they responded by saying “I don’t see it…” followed by several nonsensical excuses as to why they won’t mention your interest to their friend. It’s almost ironic that one of the biggest obstacles in our search for our bashert is our friends! Our single friends and our married friends both play their own special part in making it even more difficult for us singles to find our one true love!

Single Friends: Friends have a tendency to act as screeners when it comes to the shidduch scene. Maybe it’s to protect us, or maybe it’s because they think they can predict the future and have the ability to determine who we will marry. Do me a favor, as much as I appreciate my friends looking out for me in this regard…STOP IT! Imagine if the same thing happened in regards to another area of your life! Let’s take your career for example: Companies would call your friend expressing interest for a one on one interview because they admire your strong credentials; meanwhile your friend is telling all these firms that she “doesn’t see it” without even consulting you! This is my life, this is my career, and this should be my decision! If I want your input I will ask for it! The same thing goes for the shidduch scene. Even if I might not be interested in someone, I still like to hear what’s out there! Let ME determine if this individual is a good match for ME! Until you are told otherwise, you are NOT my life coach or my shidduch advisor! You are a messenger! Receive the message and deliver it to me! Nothing more!

Married Friends: Single friends tend to serve more of a defensive position in preventing you from finding your bashert by not relaying a certain individual’s interest in you. Married friends, on the other hand, serve essentially as a very poor offense! The husband knows buchrim and the wife knows meidels, therefore they are in perfect position to set you up, but they don’t! I often find that once a couple is married or seriously dating, they in effect remove themselves from the shidduch scene completely. When I recently asked a married friend of mine to set me up he said “I don’t set people up. I leave it to the professional shaddchans!” Are you kidding me? You don’t set people up? It’s your RESPONSIBILITY to set people up! Again, let’s try to compare that way of thinking to another area of life: You’re driving along the highway and all of a sudden you spot your married friends in an accident on the side of the road. You pull over and say “Hey, what’s going on here?” They respond: “We got into a bit of a fender bender. Do you mind calling a tow truck and the police…my cell died.” You respond “Sorry, bro! I don’t dabble in road side assistance. It’s just not my thing. Good luck with that!” Then you drive away! What kind of nonsense is this? You’re in the position to help out friends and you just tell them, that you don’t get involved in that type of activity (i.e. helping people) and then you leave! We should all remember that with each stage of life we are ALL presented with different unique challenges and responsibilities. At times life can get hectic and confusing; however, this does not absolve us from our basic responsibilities as a friend!

Bing Crosby once said about his friend Bob Hope: "There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other." It’s easy for someone to say that they’re your friend, but to actually step up and help someone out takes time and effort, which really distinguishes your friends from people who just have that title. I’ve heard EVERY excuse in the book as to why a friend won’t relay my interest to a particular meidel. “She is too religious for you,” “She wears pants”, “She isn’t dating yet”, “She wants to make Aliyah,” “She sees movies,” “She doesn’t see movies,” “She might see movies,” She only sees PG 13 movies,” “She doesn’t come from a haimish family,” “You stack the plates at the Shabbos table,” yada yada yada! I’ve also heard every excuse from married couples as to why they don’t set people up. Either because they “had a bad experience once,” “don’t do shaddchan work,” or they just blow you off with the very popular “Oh, I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for you” (Translation: Stop bothering me. Helping a friend is not on the top of my to-do list.). Friends should serve as messengers and facilitators when it comes to the shidduch scene, not as screeners or obstacles standing in our way. If we all remain more cognizant of our actions by keeping our friend’s best interest at heart, than we will all be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel in the near term, which will, i’yh, bring Mashiach in the not to distant future…AMEN!

The Ideal Shidduch Date

Yoni: Hi guys! I have a blind date tomorrow, any suggestions as to where I should take her?
Yirmiyahu: Is she a hottie?
Yoni: I don’t know…it’s a blind date!
Yirmiyahu: You don’t know how she looks?!?!? That’s your first problem! Just take her to Starbucks! It’s my go-to place for first dates!
Yoni: Isn’t that being a bit cheap?
Yirmiyahu: Why would I spend more than $5 on someone I don’t know!
Moses: Yirmiyahu, you ARE cheap! Take her to My Most Favorite…the salmon there is phenomenal!
Joey: Na, too expensive, Café K is my makom kavua for first dates…I find it especially romantic!
Yisroel: I’m a Marriott guy myself…
Yoni: Woaaah! You take your dates to the Marriott! Isn’t that moving a bit quickly!
Yisroel: Not like that silly! We sit in the lobby and talk.
Yoni: Wow, you’re super cheap…and boring!
Aaron: I just take my first dates to Dave and Busters. I like playing video games so worst case scenario, if the date is a complete disaster, at least I have a pleasant time.
Yoni: Interesting strategy…

The above conversation is a typical discussion amongst buchrim when they are trying to determine where to take a meidel on a date. A buchur struggles with trying not to seem too cheap, while simultaneously trying to find a place that is conducive for determining whether the meidel sitting before him is in fact his bashert. Through my shidduch dating career I’ve heard about numerous different types of dates. I’ve heard about dates that were outlandishly expensive and those that were embarrassingly cheap. I’ve also heard of extremely clever dates, as well as extremely boring ones. Below I have grouped together the ten most popular first date themes and analyzed the significance of each venue.


1) The “strictly business”/ “hedge your bet” option:

Venue: Hotel Lobby or Starbucks

Analysis: This type of date is particularly popular amongst the Yeshivaish crowd. One reason for this is its very unlikely that something untznius can possibly occur while sitting in a hotel lobby or at Starbucks with dozens of people. Second reason is its super cheap or free. Third reason is you get right to the heart of the matter with out wasting your time with an activity! The entire date is spent determining if these two people are destined to spend the rest of their lives together! Immediately both parties are inundated with a barrage of “relevant questions” including: Does this person use a white table clothe on shabbos? Does the girl where a seat belt in the car? Does either party stack plates when clearing the shabbos table? Has the buchur ever watched TV or attended the cinema? How many hours a day does the buchur learn? Is the meidel a good cook? How much chesed work does the meidel do? After a date like this, if the date went well than the time spent was well worth it! Even more interesting is if the date is a total failure the buchur is out a mere $5 of his father’s money! Either way, the buchur comes out a winner!

2) The “go all out” option:

Venue: My Most Favorite, Prime Grill, Broadway Show, Sporting Event

Analysis: A commonly used strategy by buchrim who have a lot of money, or are trying to impress a particular meidel. This is a very risky strategy because if things don’t go well, you can easily be out $70+. This strategy is also commonly used by amateurs who think they need to go all out for a first date before they actually know the person. I’m all for making a good impression, but to spend $70 on someone you don’t know is just silly! To all the buchrim out there: You can’t buy love!

3) The “I want to see everyone I know” option:

Venue: Café K and Deli Kasba

Analysis: If a buchur wants to ensure that he sees everyone that he has ever met, or wants to show the meidel how popular he is, than this is a phenomenal strategy! Thursday nights at Café K you are guaranteed to run into at least 7 people you know! If going out on Sunday night is more your thing than Deli Kasba is the place to go! These two venues are so overused for shidduch dates that groups of friends actually schedule to go eat dinner there in order to watch the dates for entertainment purposes! If you want an audience on your next date then these restaurants are the obvious choices!

4) The “I have no class” option:

Venue: Kosher Delight, Port Authority, Airport

Analysis: No, no, and no! There are rare times in the course of your life when you will get a heter from me to eat at Kosher Delight (i.e. you are dying from hunger and there is nothing edible left in the world)! Kol vechomer, you can NOT bring a first date there! The food is essentially crap soaked in oil and you walk out of that restaurant smelling like you have been rolling around in fried chicken and dirt for hours! If you are unlucky enough to have to use the facilities during your stay and must venture off into their basement, well…may God have mercy on your soul! The fact that the Department of Health hasn’t shut down KD is truly a world wonder and simply defies any logic. Bottom line: No KD. Strolling around in the Airport or the Port Authority bus station makes just as little sense. Unless you plan on traveling somewhere on your first date, stay away from those venues and stick to the Marriott! They are both free, except the Marriott doesn’t smell like a bus!

5) The “gaming” option:

Venue: Dave and Busters and ESPN Zone

Analysis: Very popular place for first dates…and I am still puzzled why! I never met a girl that thoroughly enjoys playing video games. I also don’t think either location is the best place to have a conversation. There is little or no place to sit and the music is usually very loud. Yet, I find that both places are frequented by shidduch dates. Granted, you will never run into a problem of yichud at either venue, but you also can’t have a normal discussion. The only reason I can think of to go to either place is if you know that the date will be a total fiasco. If this is the case you can always focus on the game you are playing and you can avoid speaking to each other by continuously suggesting you play another game. If you are looking to ease the pain of a potentially awful date, then these are ideal options!

6) The “athletic” option:

Venue: Ice skating, roller skating, Frisbee in the park

Analysis: I love the outdoors! I like skating in Bryant Park during the winter, roller skating down Riverside Park during the spring, and an intense game of ultimate Frisbee or soccer during the summer. However, buchrim must be cautious when taking a first date to do any of these activities. Case in point: Ice is slippery. It is very easy to fall. It is even easier to fall or get knocked over when those show offs on the ice try to impress everyone by skating backwards or perform triple axels with no regard for the rest of the skaters, and lo and behold they check your date into the ice where she falls face first on to the floor and busts her knee (Yes, I am speaking from experience!). That being said I still think outdoor activities are great options for dates. You can go do the selected activity at a leisurely pace while enjoying the outdoors. But buchrim must use EXTREME caution before choosing the aforementioned types of activities!

7) The “I am super shtark” option:

Venue: Shiur (Shul, Beis Medresh, etc.)

Analysis: Shlomo hamelech said it the best in Kohelet when he wrote “There is a time for every purpose under heaven.” There is a time to have fun, a time to work out, a time to learn Torah, and a time to go on a shidduch date! If you are on a shidduch date, don’t try to show off how shtark you are by taking her to a shiur on a first date! Odds are if the meidel already agreed to go out with you, than she obviously thinks you are shtark enough for her. Also, a buchur shouldn’t exercise this option in order to limit discussion with the meidel. If you are going on a date, than focus on the date, not on a shiur! If this is how you decide to spend a first date, than maybe you should spend a bit less time learning Torah and a bit more time refining your social skills!

8) The “unashamed smooching” option:

Venue: Club, Bar, Brookdale Lobby

Analysis: We all run into these types of dates from time to time. People that spend more time with their mouths locked together, than used for having a discussion. Several years ago I was at a shabbaton in Stern College for Women and was hanging out in Brookdale Hall. As my friends and I are schmoozing and playing board games we spot a buchur and meidel feeding each other chips with salsa and taking breaks every few minutes for long passionate make out sessions, with plenty of caressing, and other such activities that everyone in the room would have rather been spared from seeing. Shomer negiah issues aside, isn’t it more logical to spend time getting to know a person before you smooch with them? There will be plenty of time for smooching, fondling, and all different types of activities that shouldn’t be held in a public forum after you are married. In the meantime it probably makes more sense to try to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with that individual rather than trying to satisfy your own personal desires, while making everyone else in the room highly uncomfortable. Bottom line: Any date that consists primarily of French kissing in a public area is not the best dating idea.

9) The “clever, but cheap” option:

Venue: MET, The Museum of Natural History, etc.

Analysis: These dates are solid choices for several reasons. One reason is many museums in NY have a “suggested donation” (i.e. pay as little as you want). Second reason is they are quiet, which is conducive to having a discussion. Third reason, is there is stuff to look at and discuss to get the conversation going. Fourth reason, assuming that neither party has ADD; the date will take at least two hours. Fifthly, the buchur will come off as being cultured if he elects to go to a museum. All in all, if you go to a museum on your first date, you MUST be an experienced veteran when it comes to shidduch dating or you have an innate ability to sense how to get the most for your money. Either way…KOL HAKAVOD!

10) The “Chasidish” option:

Venue: The chuppa!

Analysis: A highly underrated option in the Modern Orthodox community! Being that I am not Chasidish, I am in no way an expert on the Chasidish dating! However, I happen to have Chasidish relatives so I can offer some insight on the subject. It is my understanding that one of my cousins was introduced to the girl he was going to marry like a week before their wedding. Then they got married! Talk about eliminating the shidduch crisis all together! If we all subscribed to this model of dating we would all be married at our desired age and wouldn’t have to worry about dating all together! I am envious of all those that are so lucky and it makes me ponder converting to Chasidism!

Conclusion: Some of the best advice I have ever received regarding dating came at a wedding of a super shtark friend of mine. Naturally, he had separate seating so I really had no one of interest to talk to. As the wedding progressed I began to make conversation with the middle aged gentleman sitting next to me. He mentioned to me that he had five daughters and they were all married. He then said to me “Can I give you some dating advice?” Always looking for words of wisdom regarding the shidduch scene I told him I would love to hear his insights. He said “My advice to you is take your dates to places where you spend very little money or nothing at all!” Very surprised with his comment I asked “Won’t the girls get offended and call me cheap? If a girl spends so much time getting ready for a date, shouldn’t I at least take her to a nice place?” The gentleman shook his head and said “No, that’s the worst thing you can do. Everybody enjoys being pampered and going to fancy restaurants or shows. Go for a walk or to coffee and just have a discussion. My youngest daughter, who just got married, knew she was going to marry the guy after the 4th date and he hardly spent any money at all!” Intrigued I asked “How is it possible to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with after only 4 dates?” He said “Once you know that all the smaller things fit, than all the bigger things in life will just work themselves out. When rough times come in life you know that you and your wife will still love each other for who you are and your love wasn’t based on fancy restaurants or lavish gifts.” As I internalized his words I began to think back on how much money I wasted on previous dates, when I probably knew from the onset that they weren't going anywhere. I may not be Yeshivaish or Chasidish and I may be passionate about the outdoors, but from now I can tell you this: From this point forward all my dates will be held at the Marriott!*




(*Note: I cannot guarantee the accuracy of this statement).