4 Steps to Solve the Shidduch “Crisis”

There is no such thing as a shidduch crisis! Sorry to break the news to all those shaddchanim and dating sites that have leveraged that phrase to market their services, but the fact of the matter is we have blown this whole shidduch dating thing completely out of proportion! If you speak with people outside the orthodox Jewish circles regarding their definition of the word “crisis”, it may help put things back in perspective. A random guy on the street may define the word “crisis” as the brutal genocide taking place in Darfur, or possibly allude to the 1918 flu pandemic where an estimated 50-100 million people were killed worldwide. Over the years, orthodox Jews have managed to take the word “crisis” and made it synonymous with people that are not married by the time they are in their mid-20s! Not only is this not a crisis, it’s actually pretty silly! The only crisis in the Jewish dating world today is the mindset that we have developed regarding the quest for our bashert. What can potentially be a fun process, with the opportunity to meet a variety of different people, has turned into nothing short of abnormal! We have turned shidduch dating into an arduous process, with tons of pressure, and silly questions about the person’s mother. Below I have outlined the 4 steps we can all take in order to return the orthodox dating scene back to normalcy and to eliminate what many Jews perceive to be a “crisis.”

Step # 1: Get into shidduch dating shape: Shidduch dating shape refers to both a physical and mental state. Very often people want to start dating and can’t seem to get any dates. Generally, one of their first obstacles they must overcome is where they stand physically and mentally.

Physically: Regardless of what people might say, looks DO matter! As I mentioned in previous posts, we can’t control our genetic makeup, but we CAN optimize what we have. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with a physique that can earn you a spot on the cover of Men’s Health or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue (i.e. everyone reading this), then you have some work to do. Join a gym, make yourself a workout schedule (and stick to it!), and lay off the cholent at this week’s Kiddush!

Mentally: One must also get into the right frame of mind mentally before they start shidduch dating. This means you should know what marriage requires emotionally and have a good idea on how you plan on supporting yourself. People rush into marriage nowadays likes it’s the newest fad. Marriage isn’t playing house, it’s a LIFETIME commitment. You should know what you are getting into before you start dating. If you can’t imagine yourself having the same person up in your face 24/7 complaining about their problems, nagging you, and drilling you with tons of questions, then you are probably not ready to get married! This type of mental maturity comes over time and one shouldn’t rush into the dating scene until they have reached this level of mental maturity.

Step # 2: Make sure everyone knows that you’re in the “Parsha”: For some reason many people are very secretive as to whether they are dating someone or not. Others want to just sit back and wait for their bashert to fall into their lap. Like many things in life, sometimes you need to step up and be a little assertive. Once you have completed Step # 1 and know you are in the right place, both mentally and physically, make sure people know that you are now eligible to date! While many individuals “don’t get involved” in setting people up, you will also encounter a fair amount of folks that are more then willing to help out. The more people that know that you are looking to date, means more doors will open up. After a few months of networking with friends, family, and anyone you meet, you will eventually see an inflow of people contacting you to set you up. Don’t be shy! Let people know that you’re in the Parsha!

Step # 3: Don’t be so picky….it’s just one date: Probably the biggest obstacle standing in the way of many singles, is the amount of screening and filtering they must do before agreeing to go out with somebody. Question after question about the smallest and sometimes the most irrelevant things such as: frequency of cinema attendance, seatbelt wearing techniques, and weather the individual’s mother elected to cover her hair! My solution is simple: STOP WITH THE SCREENING! One should ALWAYS go on one date with someone if they 1) Find the person somewhat attractive, 2) are on the same page religiously. Meet the person for a cup of coffee and see how things play out. You are not bound to anything and can learn an infinite more about a person by actually meeting them for an hour or two, then by asking the shaddchan a battery of questions and speaking to their multiple references! When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game! The more people you get in front of, the better chance you’ll find your bashert, so don’t limit yourself!

Step # 4: Go into your dates with an open-minded attitude: No one knows who we will end up with. Very often people will go into a date looking for exact and super specific qualities in a mate. While it’s important to have a general idea of what you are looking for, it’s impossible to find someone that will agree with you about every single issue. Don’t be so rigid! If someone has a different political stance then you, different minhagim, or the wrong hair color, don’t throw them away! If you simply enjoy spending time with them, find them attractive, have many common interests, and agree on most issues, then you know you found someone special!

Our own worst enemy in this shidduch “crisis” is ourselves! Repeat that phrase to yourself next time you start complaining about not getting any dates, not being married by the age of 24, or living through the biggest shidduch “crisis” in modern Jewish history. Unlike the mass killings in Darfur or an uncontrollable virus spreading across the world killing millions of people, the shidduch “crisis” is something that is in our power to change! We have the ability to work on our physical appearance to get us more dates. We have the power to be more assertive in our shidduch networking to get more shaddchans to set us up. And most importantly, we have the power to have a more “chilled out approach” to dating by limiting our intense screening process! I’ve often heard the phrase that “God helps those who help themselves.” Keeping that in mind, we must do our part to help our shidduch prospects, and then Hakadosh Baruchoo will intervene and make sure that we will ultimately find our bashert in a timely manner!

The 25 Most Eligible Modern Orthodox Bachelors of 2009

Girls like jerks! I have never understood the reason for this, but it happens to be a fact. After years in coed camps and schools, and even now during the shidduch process, it is a theory that has been reconfirmed over and over again. The meidels that tend to have it the worst are the super cute and popular ones. They generally have tons of buchrim flocking to them who span the spectrum from the captain of the basketball team to the captain of the Torah Bowl team. However, given their extreme popularity, and their ability to choose almost any buchur they want, they almost always end up with a jerk. Instead of spending time trying to determine why this is the case, I’d like to focus on what attributes make up a high quality buchur. I feel that by pointing out these common characteristic that all top notch buchrim share, it will allow meidels to be more equipped to filter out all the subpar guys in the shidduch world.

The 4 attributes that make a quality buchur and a great husband are the following:

Driven: The three things that determine an individual’s level of successful in life are: 1) passion 2) luck and 3) drive. Everybody is passionate about something, luck is decided by Hashem, but drive is something that is engrained in us over years of being forced to work for what we want. In a world where most people spend hours playing video games, watching TV, and waiting around for life to fall into place, finding someone who knows what they want out of life and possesses the drive to go out and get it is truly refreshing.

Attractive: Our genetic makeup is not something that we can control. However, I once heard the following statement, which I think holds true: If you give any buchur “a tan, better posture, whiter teeth, a fitness regimen, and clothes that fit, than he's well on his way to handsome.” The key to a buchur being attractive is putting in some time and effort. If you make the best with what you have, then that’s really all anyone can ask for.

Frum: I don’t like the word “frum” because it is defined in so many ways by so many different people. The key is finding someone who has a sincere passion AND respect for yidishkite. Everyone has their own standards that they wish to go by and different levels of religious observance. However, if you find someone with that type of genuine passion and respect, on whatever level is right for you, it will never go away.

Kindness: Kindness is one of those rare traits that is innate in very few people. The ability to genuinely care about others is not something that one can easily develop, and it is not something that will waver like religious observance, or diminish over time like appearance. If you find someone with this extraordinary middah, you should hold on to them with all your might, because this is not someone that will cross your path very often.

Now you are probably asking yourself “Where am I supposed to find a buchur like this? This isn’t exactly the type of information that is found on a Facebook profile!” You are correct! It’s hard to locate people with these types of unique qualities! Thankfully, I have done the work for you! Just like Forbes compiles a list of the world’s wealthiest people, Fortune accumulates a list of the world’s best companies, and People Magazine assembles a list of the world’s sexiest people, I have put together a list of the “25 Most Eligible Modern Orthodox Bachelors of 2009.” I know each of the following people personally and know that they are unique in the fact that they distinctly possess the 4 aforementioned attributes. In addition to the 4 attributes, they are all buchrim, who in 20 years from now, your girl friends will look at them and say: “Wow, why didn’t I marry a guy like that!”

All bachelors are equally ranked and have been sorted in alphabetical order by last name:

Bengio, Michael
Caplan, Adam
Davidovits, Moe
Douek, Daniel
Eckstein, Dani
Eis, David
Freund, Dovid
Goldglantz, Joe
Gorfinkel, Yirmi
Graber, Josh
Guttmann, Jay
Isser, David
Kilstein, Yaakov
Krohn, Ben
Lapin, Ari
Lev, Michael
Lustiger, Elie
Marciano, David
Raab, Yoni
Raskas, Jonah
Rosenberg, Oliver
Schnipper, Covey
Shenkman, Yoni
Sher, Avi
Westrich, Uri

Ladies, after releasing a list like this my advice to you is simple: Get moving! Contact every friend, colleague, and acquaintance you have! Use Google, Facebook, OnlySimchas and any other site that may be conducive to getting a date with one of these top notch buchrim because I can guarantee you one thing: They will not remain bachelors for long!

Good luck and happy stalking!

10 Things One Should NOT Do on a First Date!

I consider myself to be a very lucky and blessed individual! I have my health and a loving mishpacha! I’ve obtained a degree from one of the finest Universities in the world (i.e. YU) and I have a network of business colleagues that spans the globe. I posses a six pack that would make Brad Pitt jealous (only a slight exaggeration) and the type of winning personality that would make Tony Robbins shepp nachas! Despite all the innate ability that hakadosh baruchoo has blessed me with, one of the main reasons I consider myself to be such a fortunate buchur is the fact that I have never been on a bad date! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken out plenty of meidels who weren’t my type, my look, and bored the heck out of me, but I can not classify any of my dates as being a real fiasco (bli ayin harah, knock on wood, poo poo poo)! Throughout the past several years, as my friends and I have started dating, I have heard some real dating horror stories! I’ve heard tales of shidduch dates that made my stomach turn and made me want to throw in the towel on the whole shidduch dating process. After several years on the dating front I have decided to outline some of the more basic things that one should refrain from doing on a date. Granted, I’m sure there are plenty of wild stories of one party doing or saying something completely outlandish and out of line, but here are 10 of the more commonly practiced habits that one should refrain doing on a first date.

1) Do NOT ask how much money a guy makes: Generally most first dates consist of schmoozing and determining if the two parties have the same goals, interests, and desires. You might be wondering to yourself “How does the issue of annual salary come up on the first date?” Well the answer, as my friend told me, is this:

Meidel: I just interviewed for a teaching job!
Buchur: Great!
Meidel: I asked to be paid 75k starting salary!
Buchur: Oh, wow! That’s great money!
Meidel: Well, how much money do you make? (In a highly condescending voice)

There wasn’t really much tact to the meidels approach. She pretty much laid it all out on the table! Listen, once you are far enough in a relationship, money DOES become a factor because the meidel needs to know if this bachur can support the lifestyle she is accustomed to (i.e. Succos at the Citadel in Israel, Pesach at the Biltmore in Arizona, etc.). However, asking someone how much money they make on a first date is classless, silly, rude, dumb and will pretty much GARUNTEE that there will be no second date! Meidels, do yourself a favor and stick to the basic shylas (where you went to Israel, what’s your favorite sefer, etc.) and hold off on this extremely personal topic until things become a bit more serious!

2) Do NOT talk about previous girl friends/boy friends on the date: “I’m not interested” – That’s generally what people tell me when they have a date who talks non stop about there previous boy friend or girl friend. There will come a point in a relationship when two parties will want to talk (i.e. speak lashon harah) about the previous people they have dated. However, don’t open up to someone about your previous relationships on a first date because: 1) That indicates that you are still emotionally attached to your ex and 2) People are not interested in starting a relationship with someone who has tons of baggage. If you find yourself still talking about your ex non stop, then maybe you need to wait a little while before you jump back into the dating scene!

3) Do NOT order everything on the menu: What may seem logical and basic social etiquette to most meidels is sometimes incomprehensible to others! The buchur you are going on a first date with is not your Daddy! He is taking you out in order to determine if you guys are compatible. He is NOT taking you out for an all you all you can order eat-a-thon because he feels an innate desire to shower you with money. That is why you have your Daddy’s credit card! When a meidel goes out with a buchur and orders several appetizers, a main course, a soft drink, a bottle of wine, and multiple desserts, without the buchur explicitly telling her to do so; she shows a complete lack of class and no sensitivity to a buchur’s financial situation. Contrary to the way these types of meidels are brought up, money does not grow on trees. Money must be earned with hard work and is accumulated over time. Meidels should be cognizant of this before taking it upon themselves to order enough food to feed all the inhabitants of a small country!

4) Do NOT eat with your hands: Ever since most of us were little children, our parents’ would constantly tell us “Do not eat with your hands!” Generally, we grow out of this method of feeding ourselves by the time we reach the tender age of 10. While it may be cute to watch young kids messily shove food into their mouths without cutting it or using a fork, this same method of eating is no longer cute by the time one reaches their mid 20s. In fact it becomes quite nauseating! One meidel mentioned to me that a guy brought her to KD for a first date (first mistake), then proceeded to take his chicken cutlet in his hand and wave it around in the air as he was schmoozing with her, while occasionally taking a bite. If you take nothing else away from this post, at the very least take this: Buchrim, it is imperative to learn how to use utensils if you ever plan on eating in the presence of a meidel!

5) Do NOT bring index cards with a list of questions: For many, it’s often challenging to carry on a conversation, especially with people you never met before. For this reason, I’ve been told that many people may be tempted to carry notes or an index card with questions to ask while on a date. Too be perfectly frank: This is a shtickle pathetic! I can understand if you are not a hot shot salesman or networker who can approach and make conversation with everybody, but come on! At least try to be smooth (Note: Carrying index cards with questions to a first date is NOT smooth). Also, even though shidduch dating is pretty much an interview process, it’s also about building a relationship with the person. Sitting in Starbucks with a notebook filled with questions makes it challenging to develop any type of personal connection. As important as it is to know what the individuals mother wears to sleep at night, if her mother covers her hair, and if she stacks dishes at the shabbos table, it also might be worthwhile to shoot the breeze for a while and try to get a sense of your dates personality, rather then try to determine your interest based a long list of impersonal and more often then not, irrelevant questions!

6) Do NOT just talk about yourself: It’s important to try to make dates interactive. This is done by asking questions and follow up questions. No one is interested in someone who only rants about their own personal interests, hobbies, and career. Make it seem like you actually care what the other party has to say or thinks. When you’re on a date and realize that 2 hours went by and you are the only one that has been speaking, and the only topics that you spoke about were the summers that YOU spent working at HASC, then maybe you should take a step back and inquire what the other person’s interests are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very important to be passionate about your career and your hobbies, but to talk nonstop about your career as a successful financier or your time spent in the Beis Medresh as a kollelnic can lead anyone to want to want to kill themselves!

Here is the basic framework for a healthy discussion on a date:

Buchur: Ask question.
Meidel: Respond to question. Maybe use a story to illustrate your point (one word answers are NOT acceptable), follow up with a question for the buchur.
Buchur: Make a witty comment (for the more advanced conversationalists ONLY! Great way to fall flat on your face if not adequately experienced/prepared!), Respond to the meidels question, illustrate point with a story. Follow up with another question. Etc.

This is the basic framework of a how NOT to have a discussion on a date:

Buchur: Talk about your day for 10 min straight.
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talk about his career for another 10 min
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talks about the summers he spent at HASC
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”

If you feel like your conversation is going like the former, then congratulations, you’re on a roll! However, if you feel like your typical date discussion is more accurately described by the latter conversation, then maybe you should take a few minutes and shut your mouth and see what the other party has to say!

7) Do NOT ask the girl to split the bill with you: There are certain things in life that you just don’t do. They are unspoken rules. For example: You don’t make a phone call while in an elevator full of people, you don’t make eye contact with people on the NYC subway, and you don’t tell someone whom you never met that you liked their “pics” on Facebook. Another big no-no is for a buchur to ask a girl to split the bill with him on a date. It has been tradition for many years that a guy takes the girl out and pays for the date. Asking the girl to split the bill with you is just not classy. If you can’t afford to shell out too much money then go out for ice cream instead of dinner, or go to for a walk in the park instead of getting courtside seats to a Knicks game. The power is in the buchurs hands when picking an activity for a date! A guy shouldn’t go on a date like he approaches hanging out with a group of his cronies. When you hang out with your buddies from night seder you can split the cost of the activity. When you hang out one on one with a meidel who you are courting, the buchur MUST pay!

8) Do NOT be a back seat driver: No one likes backseat drivers! That’s a fact! Very often a buchur will have to shlep to the end of the world (i.e. Long Island/Staten Island/Queens etc.) to take out a specific meidel! In order to get to one of these remote locations, a buchur must drive on less then pleasant roads (Van Wyck, FDR, Grand Central, etc.), while having to endure the less than pleasant drivers (NYers), in addition to having to drive during extreme rush hour traffic! This is part of the price a buchur must pay for dating a NY girl. However, one thing a buchur shouldn’t have to endure is a meidel who insists on commenting on his driving technique at every red light or Stop sign. If a buchur stops at a Stop sign a meidel should not say “Go, already!” in a very annoyed tone. A meidel should not instruct a buchur to put on his turning signal if he forgets, nor should she suggest better breaking techniques! After sitting in 2 hours of traffic on the Grand Central, getting cursed at and being cut off by the unpleasant drivers, and getting heat from your boss for leaving work early, the best thing a meidel can do once she gets into a buchurs car is just smile and look pretty! That will be more appreciated then any type of pointers you can give regarding a buchurs driving skills!

9) Do NOT complain about the date on the date: People always analyze their dates with their friends. That’s fine to an extent! It’s always great to get feedback and bounce ideas off each other. If a date is really horrible, it may even be good to rant about it to your friends to get all those feelings off your chest that you weren’t able to express during the actual date. However, to complain during your date to your date and tell him how unimpressed you are with the venue he has chosen and say something like “I thought you were taking me to a real concert” or “This place is a dump” or express your disappointment for being taken on a subway is really just mean! It’s fair to assume that most people put some level of thought into a date even if it’s just at Starbucks. One must determine which Starbucks to go to and must come pick up a meidel from their residence. These simple things all require a buchur to be somewhat courteous and thoughtful. All the more so, if a buchur takes you to a more original place, even if you don’t like it, it’s just not appropriate to be a witch about it. I’m no poseik, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s better to bad mouth your date to your friends behind his back, then to hurt his feeling and embarrass him on the date itself!

10) Do NOT talk about how shady you were before Israel: Very often, you will encounter a guy or girl who loves talking about their “past life” or how much they “flipped out” in Israel. Here’s a bit of advice: This is not hot! Finding out that your date was the school drug dealer or the school smoocher is not impressive on any level. The fact that an individual still mentions his/her shady past just means that they haven’t actually gained anything from their year in Israel and are actually still proud of how messed up they were in high school. That’s the equivalent of going to a job interview and saying “Man, my last firm hated me because I would harass all the women at work and used to take drugs in the bathroom stalls. Thankfully, I went to a psychologist and rehab and now I’m clean.” On the one hand you might be “clean” now, but why the heck would a company want to hire someone that talks so fondly about their naughty past! Moreover, why would a firm want to hire someone who had that type of past, when they can hire someone with the same credentials who wasn’t a complete nut job at their last firm? The same thing applies with dating. If you managed to luck out and score a date with a quality meidel/buchur even though you severely messed up in high school, keep your shady past on the down low until you develop a relationship with the person and are obligated to disclose that type of information!

Let’s call a spade a spade: Shidduch dating is not a fun process! There are very few people I know that actually like dating for the sake of dating. Most people do it, find their bashert, and are happy to make it out with as few emotional scars as possible! The key is to try to make the whole shidduch dating experience as painless as we can. To do that one must act courteous to their dates and treat each other with respect even if you think the person that you are dating is a total freak show. Being respectful means not asking uncomfortable questions that really don’t concern you, or not making your date feel nauseated by eating like a wild animal, or hurting your dates feelings by mocking him and the venue he chose, or keeping in mind that your date had to trek all the way to Long Island during rush hour traffic to meet you and not busting his chops for forgetting to put on his turning signal when parallel parking! The bottom line is we are all in this shidduch dating game together. Let’s make it as bearable as possible by reviewing the 10 aforementioned rules of engagement, and praying to Hakadosh Baruchoo everyday that we make it out of this phase of our lives with our sanity still intact!