The Shidduch Game

"Perseverance!" I feel that word sums up the approach that successful people take towards life. It's the ability to keep pushing forward, despite the obstacles in your way, until you finally succeed. I have adopted this attitude to my own life and have often been lucky/fortunate enough to experience success. Whether it's in the job market, academics, or athletics, it has always been my philosophy that if I work hard enough I WILL succeed. The one area that my perseverance has not only failed, but has actually backfired is in the world of shidduchim! I find the shidduch game to be different from other parts of life. It seems like the same rules that bring success in virtually every other area, do not apply in the effort of trying to attract a mate.

A story that illustrates this point took place about about a year ago. There was a particular meidel that I had been trying to court for many months. I asked her out once and after she rejected me the first time I always made sure to stay in touch with her because I still liked her. I wasn't creepy like many buchrim who utilize numerous creepy stalking methods (i.e. facebook poking and random phone calls), rather I would have a short conversation whenever I saw her and I would occasionally IM her. We always remained on good terms and very friendly, but everyone knew that I still wanted to date her. I knew it, she knew it, her roommates new it, my roommates knew it, our friends knew it, and people who didn't even know us that well, but watched us interact would approach me later and say that it is clear that I want to go out with her. As the months went by I would casually mention that I wanted to take her out or that I liked her, without any progress! No matter how persistent I was, I never seemed to make any headway.Normally if a girl rejects me I just let it roll off my chest without thinking twice and pursue someone else. However, there was something special and irresistible about this meidel that I couldn't quite put my finger on!

After months of effort I finally decided to consult with one of my chief shidduch advisors, Lorys, to help me gain perspective on the way girls think. I briefly explained my situation to Lorys and the conversation went like this:

Lorys: Did you tell this girl that you like her?
Me: Yes, of course I did!
Lorys: WHAT! Why did you do that?
Me: What do you mean? I like her so I told her! Why wouldn't I?
Lorys: You never tell a girl that you like that you actually like her! That is the worst thing you can do!
Me: That makes ZERO sense!
Lorys: Listen, girls like to be chased and guys like the chase...that's just the way the game is played! If you tell a girl straight up that you like them, you won't get anywhere!
Me: But that's such a silly game! If I like someone I let them know and I would appreciate it if someone would let me know if they liked me! That's just logical!
Lorys: Logic doesn't apply in the shidduch game...it's a different and unique part of life!
Me: So what should I do to fix my situation?
Lorys: Next time this girl contacts you ignore her!
Me: IGNORE HER?!?!?! BUT I WANT TO TALK TO HER!
Lorys: Well, ignore her or give her terse answers and act very uninterested!
Me: So you want me to act like a jerk?
Lorys: Sorta...girls like jerks!
Me: Why is that?
Lorys: Stop asking "why" questions! There is no "why" when it comes to this stuff! It makes no sense! It's just the way it is!
Me: Fine, so after I am rude to her then what?
Lorys: Then nothing...you have to make her miss you and want you. You do that by acting totally uninterested! That's my advice to you!
Me: This is a silly game and it makes no sense!
Lorys: It is a silly game, but everyone plays it!
Me: I don't...
Lorys: Yes you do...you just don't realize it yet!

After Lorys shared her insights on the mind of a meidel and on the shidduch game in general I decided to get another prospective. During a business meeting with an accountant, who was a yid and went through the UWS scene, I mentioned my current struggle with the meidel I was pursuing (It may seem weird that I brought up my dating life during a business meeting, especially to a guy I literally just met, and it is weird, but I find this to be quite a frequent occurrence as of late). After letting him in on how long and hard I have pursued this meidel he said this: "You don't need someone like that. Find someone who likes and respects you for who you are! You don't need to deal with this nonsense! I'm sure there are plenty of girls that like you for you...focus on them!"

As the days went by I did some serious introspection and meditation on what both Lorys and the accountant told me. I knew that what the accountant told me intellectually made sense and would make life much easier, but I still couldn't shake my crush! I knew what Lorys told me had some truth to it, but I just couldn't envision myself playing such a silly and immature game! I also thought about all the things that I liked about the girl I was chasing. I thought she was cute, sweet, spunky, funny, on the same page as me religiously, etc., but so were other meidels that I liked in the past! What was so special about her? AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A STACK OF GEMARAHS FALLING FROM SHAMAYIM! Although this girl had many traits that I found very desirable, that wasn't why I was chasing her! I was chasing her because she kept pushing me away! I loved the chase! No matter how hard I tried to deny it I finally realized...I was playing this silly shidduch game just like everybody else!

Did You Let Your Bashert Slip Away?

I have a confession to make! I have yet to share this confession with anyone! I haven’t told my parents, my brothers, or even my close friends! However, I figure that now is as good a time as any to share it, and what better audience to share it with then you - the 1000s of people I don’t know all over the world (some of whom are stalking me) who read my blog! My confession is that I’ve been having a series of dreams! Not Martin Luther King Jr. style dreams of hope and achdut among all nations, rather these are much more frightening. The dreams I’ve been having are all very similar in nature. The dream usually starts with me at some type of social event. I’m networking and schmoozing within the crowd, and then all of a sudden I spot her! She might be an angel or she might just be a regular meidel, but either way I KNOW she is my bashert! I look closer and notice that she is with a buchur and they entered the party together holding hands. My heart sinks and I have this powerful feeling that this meidel should be with me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Then, just as quickly as the meidel and buchur entered the party, they leave. I feel helpless as I watch the buchur and what I perceive to be my bashert, walk off to build a bayis ne’eman together. Then the dream ends and I wake up sweating with my heart racing! These dreams, along with the many people who have spoken to me about this topic, got me thinking: Do we all have someone that we are destined to ultimately end up with or is it really possible to let our bashert slip away?

When thinking about this question, I can’t help but think back to the 2002 classic film “Signs”, directed, written and produced by M. Night Shyamalan. The movie is a thriller that focuses on the mysterious appearance of 500 foot large circles and lines carved into the crops of a family’s farm. Throughout the movie the family is trying to find the truth behind how these mysterious signs appeared. As the movie progresses, the viewers learn about the family who lives on this farm. We learn that the father, a former priest, has a wife who died in a horrific accident and her last words were “swing away”, the priest’s son suffers from a severe case of asthma, we learn a bit about his daughter, as well as the priests brother who was a former minor league baseball player known for his hitting ability. It seems like just another freaky alien film, but as the movie concludes the viewers begin to realize that there is a beautiful underlying message about faith and the fact that there is no such thing in life as coincidences. Every little fact in the movie that seems obscure and irrelevant ends up playing a major role in saving the family and restoring their happiness. All the seemingly immaterial details throughout the film happened for a reason, which the characters and the viewers can’t understand until the end of the film. You might be asking yourself “How does this relate back to the question?” The answer is simple. Everything in life happens for a reason. I’ve seen it in all areas of life from the job hunt to the shidduch hunt.

My job search as a senior at Yeshiva University’s prestigious Sy Syms School of Business, was quite challenging. I was having an extremely difficult time getting interviews for a job following my graduation despite having the right internships, an awesome GPA, and a resume that would make people from Wharton drool. But no matter how many places I applied or how many people I contacted, I couldn’t get a single interview. As time went on I began to do some serious introspection. I began to think about what my natural gifts and talents are, and did research to determine what areas within finance would be most suitable given these traits. As I switched gears, and began applying to different areas of finance, I immediately started getting interviews! Within a month I had offers from several of the most respected investment banks on Wall Street. Although I was quite frustrated with my lack of success during the initial stages of my job search, it only took a slight adjustment on my part for me to be successful. What many people may interpret as bad luck was to me, a sign from Hakadosh Baruchoo that I wasn’t focused on the right career path.

Regarding the shidduch hunt this idea of everything in life happening for a reason is the most prevalent. There is no shortage of crazy stories out there about how people ultimately find their soul mate. Whether it’s getting bumped at the airport and meeting your bashert on the next flight, or asking a random person for directions and they just happen to know the perfect girl/guy for you, or meeting someone because your friend is dating them, and they break up and you end up marrying them, or meeting someone via Facebook because you thought they were a cutie! I’m sure everyone knows their share of crazy stories of how couples ultimately find each other. Given how random some of these stories are, there is no question in my mind that an important part of finding that special someone is divine intervention. I sincerely believe that everyone has that special someone that they are destined to marry, but at the same time I still believe that if we don’t have the right mind set we CAN let that person slip away!

The only way to let your bashert slip away is by not being open-minded enough to date someone because they don’t fit into the cookie cutter description that you are looking for. Once individuals lose this silly mentality, then it should put their mind at ease. If you are genuinely open minded enough to date anyone with some potential, then you will never have to worry about letting “The One” slip away. You will always know that you have done everything in your power to find your bashert! No one knows who they will end up with. It may be someone with a completely different outlook than you, but together you may make a great team. Maybe it’s the person who you’ve been flirting with for the past 2 years. Although you never viewed them as a potential suitor, they very well may be everything you have been looking for and have been right in front of your nose the entire time. Maybe you’ve had no success on the shidduch front whatsoever and the fact of the matter is you may just not have come across the person you are destined to spend the rest of your life with yet! Although all these things may be true, the only true way to ensure that you have not let your bashert slip away is by maintaining a level of open-mindedness by dating anyone and everyone with even an inkling of potential that comes your way!