The Shidduch Game

"Perseverance!" I feel that word sums up the approach that successful people take towards life. It's the ability to keep pushing forward, despite the obstacles in your way, until you finally succeed. I have adopted this attitude to my own life and have often been lucky/fortunate enough to experience success. Whether it's in the job market, academics, or athletics, it has always been my philosophy that if I work hard enough I WILL succeed. The one area that my perseverance has not only failed, but has actually backfired is in the world of shidduchim! I find the shidduch game to be different from other parts of life. It seems like the same rules that bring success in virtually every other area, do not apply in the effort of trying to attract a mate.

A story that illustrates this point took place about about a year ago. There was a particular meidel that I had been trying to court for many months. I asked her out once and after she rejected me the first time I always made sure to stay in touch with her because I still liked her. I wasn't creepy like many buchrim who utilize numerous creepy stalking methods (i.e. facebook poking and random phone calls), rather I would have a short conversation whenever I saw her and I would occasionally IM her. We always remained on good terms and very friendly, but everyone knew that I still wanted to date her. I knew it, she knew it, her roommates new it, my roommates knew it, our friends knew it, and people who didn't even know us that well, but watched us interact would approach me later and say that it is clear that I want to go out with her. As the months went by I would casually mention that I wanted to take her out or that I liked her, without any progress! No matter how persistent I was, I never seemed to make any headway.Normally if a girl rejects me I just let it roll off my chest without thinking twice and pursue someone else. However, there was something special and irresistible about this meidel that I couldn't quite put my finger on!

After months of effort I finally decided to consult with one of my chief shidduch advisors, Lorys, to help me gain perspective on the way girls think. I briefly explained my situation to Lorys and the conversation went like this:

Lorys: Did you tell this girl that you like her?
Me: Yes, of course I did!
Lorys: WHAT! Why did you do that?
Me: What do you mean? I like her so I told her! Why wouldn't I?
Lorys: You never tell a girl that you like that you actually like her! That is the worst thing you can do!
Me: That makes ZERO sense!
Lorys: Listen, girls like to be chased and guys like the chase...that's just the way the game is played! If you tell a girl straight up that you like them, you won't get anywhere!
Me: But that's such a silly game! If I like someone I let them know and I would appreciate it if someone would let me know if they liked me! That's just logical!
Lorys: Logic doesn't apply in the shidduch game...it's a different and unique part of life!
Me: So what should I do to fix my situation?
Lorys: Next time this girl contacts you ignore her!
Me: IGNORE HER?!?!?! BUT I WANT TO TALK TO HER!
Lorys: Well, ignore her or give her terse answers and act very uninterested!
Me: So you want me to act like a jerk?
Lorys: Sorta...girls like jerks!
Me: Why is that?
Lorys: Stop asking "why" questions! There is no "why" when it comes to this stuff! It makes no sense! It's just the way it is!
Me: Fine, so after I am rude to her then what?
Lorys: Then nothing...you have to make her miss you and want you. You do that by acting totally uninterested! That's my advice to you!
Me: This is a silly game and it makes no sense!
Lorys: It is a silly game, but everyone plays it!
Me: I don't...
Lorys: Yes you do...you just don't realize it yet!

After Lorys shared her insights on the mind of a meidel and on the shidduch game in general I decided to get another prospective. During a business meeting with an accountant, who was a yid and went through the UWS scene, I mentioned my current struggle with the meidel I was pursuing (It may seem weird that I brought up my dating life during a business meeting, especially to a guy I literally just met, and it is weird, but I find this to be quite a frequent occurrence as of late). After letting him in on how long and hard I have pursued this meidel he said this: "You don't need someone like that. Find someone who likes and respects you for who you are! You don't need to deal with this nonsense! I'm sure there are plenty of girls that like you for you...focus on them!"

As the days went by I did some serious introspection and meditation on what both Lorys and the accountant told me. I knew that what the accountant told me intellectually made sense and would make life much easier, but I still couldn't shake my crush! I knew what Lorys told me had some truth to it, but I just couldn't envision myself playing such a silly and immature game! I also thought about all the things that I liked about the girl I was chasing. I thought she was cute, sweet, spunky, funny, on the same page as me religiously, etc., but so were other meidels that I liked in the past! What was so special about her? AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A STACK OF GEMARAHS FALLING FROM SHAMAYIM! Although this girl had many traits that I found very desirable, that wasn't why I was chasing her! I was chasing her because she kept pushing me away! I loved the chase! No matter how hard I tried to deny it I finally realized...I was playing this silly shidduch game just like everybody else!