The Nisht!

(This post was originally written on 9/17/2009)

There are some things in life that just never seem to get any easier for me. I still have a hard time facing my parents when I get less than a B on an exam, just thinking about being chazzan in front of a large group of people makes my stomach turn, and I find it nearly impossible to restrain myself from discussing Tachlis for any extended period of time. However, the one thing that takes the cake in terms of being exceedingly difficult for me is nishting someone (Note: Nishting is the act of ending a potential relationship with someone after 5 or less dates.*). No matter how many times I’ve done the act of nishting, it still always manages to tear me up inside. I don’t know if it makes me less manly or more of a ba’al chesed, but it’s not a very pleasant feeling. Over the past week or so, I’ve been approached by many bachrim and meidels who have the same feelings about nishting as I do. People have asked me for tips and advice on this very sensitive issue. Thankfully, after about 2 years in the shidduch dating business, I’ve come up with a few rules that apply to both guys and girls regarding the ever so dreaded “Nisht.”

What NOT to do:

DO NOT waste someone’s time by having a long phone conversation when your intention is to nisht them! As much as I enjoy talking to someone who I have absolutely no future with, you need to keep the schmoozing to a minimum if you plan on ending the relationship. I remember calling a meidel several months ago about going on a 4th date. After a 20 minute discussion I popped the shyla “So would you like to get together sometime this week?” To which she responded: “Well actually, I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think this is a shayich match, but I think you’re a great guy!” FABULOUS! You think I’m a great guy! If you thought I was such a great guy than you would give me the past 20 minutes of my life back! Listen, as much as I enjoy discussing the other person’s Shabbos plans, career goals, and the ever changing weather patterns in New York City, if you know you are going to nisht me from the onset, than having such a drawn out conversation is really unnecessary. Naturally, it’s very important to be polite when speaking to somebody, but, as I learned early on in the dating game, if you don’t intend to go out again, than say so within the first minute of the conversation. It’s not being rude, it’s called being considerate!

DO NOT keep going out with someone if you are not into them! I heard that some meidels keep going out with a guy because they either have nothing else going on or they could use a free dinner (I did not make this up). I’m no poseik, but going out with someone just to get a free meal might be considered theft. “Ahhh, but it’s for shidduch reasons! It’s muttur!” Sure it is! Once you know you aren’t into someone anymore then you should end it. Dating just for the sake of dating is a waste of everybody’s time and energy. Granted, sometimes it can take quite a few dates to determine if two people are a good match, and I strongly believe you should give someone another chance as long as you see some potential. However, once you know that the relationship is not going anywhere, speak up and let the other party know how you feel! There is no sense in delaying the inevitable.

DO NOT let things fizzle out without contacting anybody! Many bachrim have the tendency to go out with someone, and if it’s a bad date they literally do nothing. At the beginning of my shidduch dating career I also made this grave error. If you don’t think a relationship is going anywhere, you need to let someone know. Whether it’s the shaddchan or the person you dated, somebody needs to be contacted so neither party will be left in a state of limbo. People say you need to pick up the phone and call. I disagree. If you met the person once (i.e. “A one and done”) you don’t OWE them anything other then the courtesy to contact them or someone involved in the shidduch, to let them know that you are no longer interested in pursuing this relationship any further. (Although I wouldn’t recommend this method, I do think texting is muttur on a Bidee Eved level).

DO NOT ask the nishter why you are being nishted! Sometimes I am really dumbfounded why a certain meidel has nishted me. I’m sure this happens at some point to everybody. Meidels have told me that they called to nisht a bachur and he responded “Well, I’m not really sure why you are ending this. Can you elaborate?” NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO ELABORATE! You have been nishted! You have been axed! You have been voted off the Island! It’s over! This isn’t a debate! You aren’t entitled to a rebuttal! You can contact the shaddchan or a friend afterwards and find out the reason, but once this short relationship (5 dates and under) has been terminated, you are not entitled to any explanations. Many times a meidel or bachur will offer an explanation or suggestions that will help critique the other party’s dating style or perhaps help them refine what they are looking for in a shidduch. If this advice isn’t offered to you outright, then just accept the nisht and move on to the next highly eligible single meidel/bachur in your pipeline.

What TO DO:

DO keep the conversation short and sweet! As mentioned earlier, people have the tendency to keep the conversation going on forever, and feel it is necessary for a build up until you finally nisht a person. This is a big mistake and a huge waste of time. Just end it and move on! Recently, I did a role play with a meidel who was looking to nisht a bachur after 4 dates. This is how it went down and how I recommend people who have no shaddchan involved handle the nishting conversation:

RING RING

Person being nishted: Hello?

Person doing the nishting: Hi (insert name here). How are you doing?**

Nishted: I’m doing well. How about yourself?

Nishter: I’m good. (insert name), I’ve been doing some thinking and although I had a very nice time with you, and can tell that you are obviously a great bachur/meidel, I don’t see this relationship going any further then just being friends, but thanks a lot for taking me out/allowing me to take you out!***

[TWO POSSIBLE SCENARIOS]

SCENARIO #1:

Nishted: Okay, have a great night/day and best of luck!

Nishter: Thanks! You too! (Maybe offer to set the individual up if you really respected them, but this is never necessary.)

SCENARIO #2

Nishted: Umm, can you explain to me why?

Nishter: [You can choose to be polite] you’re a great guy/gal, but I just didn’t feel any chemistry, but I wish you the best of luck! [Or you can be brutally honest] Well, I didn’t find you remotely attractive, you have an attitude problem, your lazy, you’re a huge phony, you have no conversation skills at all, you’re not driven, and you are not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed! Oh, and I never went to HASC so I didn’t appreciate you speaking about it for ¾ of our date! See ya!

DIAL TONE!

If this was a blind date the entire dialogue should not last more then 90 seconds unless you are trying to set the other person up. If you have a prior relationship with this person (i.e. are friends or she is your bosses daughter) then, naturally, the conversation will be a bit longer.

Bo Bennett, a motivational speaker once said “A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” This is true with business, life, and shidduch dating. If you allow me to rephrase this quote to make it slightly more relevant to our topic it should say: “A nisht is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of your bashert.” As anyone can tell you, nishting is a very important part of the shidduch dating process and almost everyone will get nishted or do a nishting at some point during their dating career. It is imperative that you know how to end a relationship efficiently and effectively. It is also very important to be honest by giving the shaddchanim an idea of what you are looking for in a shidduch. However, one thing that shidduch daters MUST be cautious of is being labeled as an “extreme nishter.” An “extreme nishter” is someone who nishts virtually everyone that is suggested to them before they even go out or after only one date. Earning this title amongst the shidduch dating community is bad for several reasons: 1) People will stop trying to set you up, 2) You think way too highly of yourself and are in need of some serious introspection, 3) You are caught up on a specific individual you’ve dated or liked in the past and measure everyone up to him/her. Sometimes it is necessary to reject a string of meidels or bachrim from a particular shaddchan who continues to suggest people that are TOTALLY off the mark. However, more often then not, when we get into a funk where we are doing a lot of rejecting, then maybe we are the ones that are the problem. So often I hear people say to me “I am very picky”, or “I know exactly what I am looking for” or “(The name of your ex) was much different than her/him, and that’s what I am looking for.” These are very dangerous lines to be saying. It is reminiscent of a video that I saw on YouTube recently, that showed a bunch of singles in their mid to late 20s that live on the Upper West Side who used these exact lines as to why they are not married yet. It isn’t a tragedy to live on the Upper West Side or to not be married by your late 20s, but when you are saying the aforementioned lines as REASONS for why you are not married, than it might be a good time to take a look in the mirror and evaluate yourself and what you have to offer. Despite what your parents may have told you when you were growing up, you are really not that special! Every Yitzy, Moishe, Rivky and Leah brings the same qualities to the table that you do! If you are still comparing every potential date to your ex, then I can promise you this: You will never find anyone like him/her, because no two people are exactly the same. Everybody is different. You are chasing a figment of your imagination, not searching for a partner to spend the rest of you life with.

As Rosh Hashana rapidly approaches and we pray to Hashem for health, parnasa, happiness, and peace for all of Klal Yisroel, it is also of utmost importance to ask for chizzuk and seichel to succeed in this shidduch dating game. We must ask for the chizzuk to make the call and nisht a relationship that isn’t going anywhere and we must pray that we have the seichel to be true to ourselves with what we can expect from a shidduch.

May this year bring you health, happiness, mazal and your bashert! Amen!

Notes:

*Yes, this is my definition.

** Do NOT ask how your day was, that will lead to a long unnecessary dialogue about the person day, which you are NOT interested in.

***If the date went very poorly and the person lacked basic social skills and wasn’t nice or sincere, you may want to use harsher phraseology such as “Thanks for taking me out, but I don’t see this going anywhere” or “I would appreciate it if you didn’t call or speak to me ever again” or “If you ever make an effort to contact me again and I’m calling the police” depending on how bad the date went.