The Shidduch Game

"Perseverance!" I feel that word sums up the approach that successful people take towards life. It's the ability to keep pushing forward, despite the obstacles in your way, until you finally succeed. I have adopted this attitude to my own life and have often been lucky/fortunate enough to experience success. Whether it's in the job market, academics, or athletics, it has always been my philosophy that if I work hard enough I WILL succeed. The one area that my perseverance has not only failed, but has actually backfired is in the world of shidduchim! I find the shidduch game to be different from other parts of life. It seems like the same rules that bring success in virtually every other area, do not apply in the effort of trying to attract a mate.

A story that illustrates this point took place about about a year ago. There was a particular meidel that I had been trying to court for many months. I asked her out once and after she rejected me the first time I always made sure to stay in touch with her because I still liked her. I wasn't creepy like many buchrim who utilize numerous creepy stalking methods (i.e. facebook poking and random phone calls), rather I would have a short conversation whenever I saw her and I would occasionally IM her. We always remained on good terms and very friendly, but everyone knew that I still wanted to date her. I knew it, she knew it, her roommates new it, my roommates knew it, our friends knew it, and people who didn't even know us that well, but watched us interact would approach me later and say that it is clear that I want to go out with her. As the months went by I would casually mention that I wanted to take her out or that I liked her, without any progress! No matter how persistent I was, I never seemed to make any headway.Normally if a girl rejects me I just let it roll off my chest without thinking twice and pursue someone else. However, there was something special and irresistible about this meidel that I couldn't quite put my finger on!

After months of effort I finally decided to consult with one of my chief shidduch advisors, Lorys, to help me gain perspective on the way girls think. I briefly explained my situation to Lorys and the conversation went like this:

Lorys: Did you tell this girl that you like her?
Me: Yes, of course I did!
Lorys: WHAT! Why did you do that?
Me: What do you mean? I like her so I told her! Why wouldn't I?
Lorys: You never tell a girl that you like that you actually like her! That is the worst thing you can do!
Me: That makes ZERO sense!
Lorys: Listen, girls like to be chased and guys like the chase...that's just the way the game is played! If you tell a girl straight up that you like them, you won't get anywhere!
Me: But that's such a silly game! If I like someone I let them know and I would appreciate it if someone would let me know if they liked me! That's just logical!
Lorys: Logic doesn't apply in the shidduch game...it's a different and unique part of life!
Me: So what should I do to fix my situation?
Lorys: Next time this girl contacts you ignore her!
Me: IGNORE HER?!?!?! BUT I WANT TO TALK TO HER!
Lorys: Well, ignore her or give her terse answers and act very uninterested!
Me: So you want me to act like a jerk?
Lorys: Sorta...girls like jerks!
Me: Why is that?
Lorys: Stop asking "why" questions! There is no "why" when it comes to this stuff! It makes no sense! It's just the way it is!
Me: Fine, so after I am rude to her then what?
Lorys: Then nothing...you have to make her miss you and want you. You do that by acting totally uninterested! That's my advice to you!
Me: This is a silly game and it makes no sense!
Lorys: It is a silly game, but everyone plays it!
Me: I don't...
Lorys: Yes you do...you just don't realize it yet!

After Lorys shared her insights on the mind of a meidel and on the shidduch game in general I decided to get another prospective. During a business meeting with an accountant, who was a yid and went through the UWS scene, I mentioned my current struggle with the meidel I was pursuing (It may seem weird that I brought up my dating life during a business meeting, especially to a guy I literally just met, and it is weird, but I find this to be quite a frequent occurrence as of late). After letting him in on how long and hard I have pursued this meidel he said this: "You don't need someone like that. Find someone who likes and respects you for who you are! You don't need to deal with this nonsense! I'm sure there are plenty of girls that like you for you...focus on them!"

As the days went by I did some serious introspection and meditation on what both Lorys and the accountant told me. I knew that what the accountant told me intellectually made sense and would make life much easier, but I still couldn't shake my crush! I knew what Lorys told me had some truth to it, but I just couldn't envision myself playing such a silly and immature game! I also thought about all the things that I liked about the girl I was chasing. I thought she was cute, sweet, spunky, funny, on the same page as me religiously, etc., but so were other meidels that I liked in the past! What was so special about her? AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A STACK OF GEMARAHS FALLING FROM SHAMAYIM! Although this girl had many traits that I found very desirable, that wasn't why I was chasing her! I was chasing her because she kept pushing me away! I loved the chase! No matter how hard I tried to deny it I finally realized...I was playing this silly shidduch game just like everybody else!

Did You Let Your Bashert Slip Away?

I have a confession to make! I have yet to share this confession with anyone! I haven’t told my parents, my brothers, or even my close friends! However, I figure that now is as good a time as any to share it, and what better audience to share it with then you - the 1000s of people I don’t know all over the world (some of whom are stalking me) who read my blog! My confession is that I’ve been having a series of dreams! Not Martin Luther King Jr. style dreams of hope and achdut among all nations, rather these are much more frightening. The dreams I’ve been having are all very similar in nature. The dream usually starts with me at some type of social event. I’m networking and schmoozing within the crowd, and then all of a sudden I spot her! She might be an angel or she might just be a regular meidel, but either way I KNOW she is my bashert! I look closer and notice that she is with a buchur and they entered the party together holding hands. My heart sinks and I have this powerful feeling that this meidel should be with me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Then, just as quickly as the meidel and buchur entered the party, they leave. I feel helpless as I watch the buchur and what I perceive to be my bashert, walk off to build a bayis ne’eman together. Then the dream ends and I wake up sweating with my heart racing! These dreams, along with the many people who have spoken to me about this topic, got me thinking: Do we all have someone that we are destined to ultimately end up with or is it really possible to let our bashert slip away?

When thinking about this question, I can’t help but think back to the 2002 classic film “Signs”, directed, written and produced by M. Night Shyamalan. The movie is a thriller that focuses on the mysterious appearance of 500 foot large circles and lines carved into the crops of a family’s farm. Throughout the movie the family is trying to find the truth behind how these mysterious signs appeared. As the movie progresses, the viewers learn about the family who lives on this farm. We learn that the father, a former priest, has a wife who died in a horrific accident and her last words were “swing away”, the priest’s son suffers from a severe case of asthma, we learn a bit about his daughter, as well as the priests brother who was a former minor league baseball player known for his hitting ability. It seems like just another freaky alien film, but as the movie concludes the viewers begin to realize that there is a beautiful underlying message about faith and the fact that there is no such thing in life as coincidences. Every little fact in the movie that seems obscure and irrelevant ends up playing a major role in saving the family and restoring their happiness. All the seemingly immaterial details throughout the film happened for a reason, which the characters and the viewers can’t understand until the end of the film. You might be asking yourself “How does this relate back to the question?” The answer is simple. Everything in life happens for a reason. I’ve seen it in all areas of life from the job hunt to the shidduch hunt.

My job search as a senior at Yeshiva University’s prestigious Sy Syms School of Business, was quite challenging. I was having an extremely difficult time getting interviews for a job following my graduation despite having the right internships, an awesome GPA, and a resume that would make people from Wharton drool. But no matter how many places I applied or how many people I contacted, I couldn’t get a single interview. As time went on I began to do some serious introspection. I began to think about what my natural gifts and talents are, and did research to determine what areas within finance would be most suitable given these traits. As I switched gears, and began applying to different areas of finance, I immediately started getting interviews! Within a month I had offers from several of the most respected investment banks on Wall Street. Although I was quite frustrated with my lack of success during the initial stages of my job search, it only took a slight adjustment on my part for me to be successful. What many people may interpret as bad luck was to me, a sign from Hakadosh Baruchoo that I wasn’t focused on the right career path.

Regarding the shidduch hunt this idea of everything in life happening for a reason is the most prevalent. There is no shortage of crazy stories out there about how people ultimately find their soul mate. Whether it’s getting bumped at the airport and meeting your bashert on the next flight, or asking a random person for directions and they just happen to know the perfect girl/guy for you, or meeting someone because your friend is dating them, and they break up and you end up marrying them, or meeting someone via Facebook because you thought they were a cutie! I’m sure everyone knows their share of crazy stories of how couples ultimately find each other. Given how random some of these stories are, there is no question in my mind that an important part of finding that special someone is divine intervention. I sincerely believe that everyone has that special someone that they are destined to marry, but at the same time I still believe that if we don’t have the right mind set we CAN let that person slip away!

The only way to let your bashert slip away is by not being open-minded enough to date someone because they don’t fit into the cookie cutter description that you are looking for. Once individuals lose this silly mentality, then it should put their mind at ease. If you are genuinely open minded enough to date anyone with some potential, then you will never have to worry about letting “The One” slip away. You will always know that you have done everything in your power to find your bashert! No one knows who they will end up with. It may be someone with a completely different outlook than you, but together you may make a great team. Maybe it’s the person who you’ve been flirting with for the past 2 years. Although you never viewed them as a potential suitor, they very well may be everything you have been looking for and have been right in front of your nose the entire time. Maybe you’ve had no success on the shidduch front whatsoever and the fact of the matter is you may just not have come across the person you are destined to spend the rest of your life with yet! Although all these things may be true, the only true way to ensure that you have not let your bashert slip away is by maintaining a level of open-mindedness by dating anyone and everyone with even an inkling of potential that comes your way!

4 Steps to Solve the Shidduch “Crisis”

There is no such thing as a shidduch crisis! Sorry to break the news to all those shaddchanim and dating sites that have leveraged that phrase to market their services, but the fact of the matter is we have blown this whole shidduch dating thing completely out of proportion! If you speak with people outside the orthodox Jewish circles regarding their definition of the word “crisis”, it may help put things back in perspective. A random guy on the street may define the word “crisis” as the brutal genocide taking place in Darfur, or possibly allude to the 1918 flu pandemic where an estimated 50-100 million people were killed worldwide. Over the years, orthodox Jews have managed to take the word “crisis” and made it synonymous with people that are not married by the time they are in their mid-20s! Not only is this not a crisis, it’s actually pretty silly! The only crisis in the Jewish dating world today is the mindset that we have developed regarding the quest for our bashert. What can potentially be a fun process, with the opportunity to meet a variety of different people, has turned into nothing short of abnormal! We have turned shidduch dating into an arduous process, with tons of pressure, and silly questions about the person’s mother. Below I have outlined the 4 steps we can all take in order to return the orthodox dating scene back to normalcy and to eliminate what many Jews perceive to be a “crisis.”

Step # 1: Get into shidduch dating shape: Shidduch dating shape refers to both a physical and mental state. Very often people want to start dating and can’t seem to get any dates. Generally, one of their first obstacles they must overcome is where they stand physically and mentally.

Physically: Regardless of what people might say, looks DO matter! As I mentioned in previous posts, we can’t control our genetic makeup, but we CAN optimize what we have. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with a physique that can earn you a spot on the cover of Men’s Health or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue (i.e. everyone reading this), then you have some work to do. Join a gym, make yourself a workout schedule (and stick to it!), and lay off the cholent at this week’s Kiddush!

Mentally: One must also get into the right frame of mind mentally before they start shidduch dating. This means you should know what marriage requires emotionally and have a good idea on how you plan on supporting yourself. People rush into marriage nowadays likes it’s the newest fad. Marriage isn’t playing house, it’s a LIFETIME commitment. You should know what you are getting into before you start dating. If you can’t imagine yourself having the same person up in your face 24/7 complaining about their problems, nagging you, and drilling you with tons of questions, then you are probably not ready to get married! This type of mental maturity comes over time and one shouldn’t rush into the dating scene until they have reached this level of mental maturity.

Step # 2: Make sure everyone knows that you’re in the “Parsha”: For some reason many people are very secretive as to whether they are dating someone or not. Others want to just sit back and wait for their bashert to fall into their lap. Like many things in life, sometimes you need to step up and be a little assertive. Once you have completed Step # 1 and know you are in the right place, both mentally and physically, make sure people know that you are now eligible to date! While many individuals “don’t get involved” in setting people up, you will also encounter a fair amount of folks that are more then willing to help out. The more people that know that you are looking to date, means more doors will open up. After a few months of networking with friends, family, and anyone you meet, you will eventually see an inflow of people contacting you to set you up. Don’t be shy! Let people know that you’re in the Parsha!

Step # 3: Don’t be so picky….it’s just one date: Probably the biggest obstacle standing in the way of many singles, is the amount of screening and filtering they must do before agreeing to go out with somebody. Question after question about the smallest and sometimes the most irrelevant things such as: frequency of cinema attendance, seatbelt wearing techniques, and weather the individual’s mother elected to cover her hair! My solution is simple: STOP WITH THE SCREENING! One should ALWAYS go on one date with someone if they 1) Find the person somewhat attractive, 2) are on the same page religiously. Meet the person for a cup of coffee and see how things play out. You are not bound to anything and can learn an infinite more about a person by actually meeting them for an hour or two, then by asking the shaddchan a battery of questions and speaking to their multiple references! When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game! The more people you get in front of, the better chance you’ll find your bashert, so don’t limit yourself!

Step # 4: Go into your dates with an open-minded attitude: No one knows who we will end up with. Very often people will go into a date looking for exact and super specific qualities in a mate. While it’s important to have a general idea of what you are looking for, it’s impossible to find someone that will agree with you about every single issue. Don’t be so rigid! If someone has a different political stance then you, different minhagim, or the wrong hair color, don’t throw them away! If you simply enjoy spending time with them, find them attractive, have many common interests, and agree on most issues, then you know you found someone special!

Our own worst enemy in this shidduch “crisis” is ourselves! Repeat that phrase to yourself next time you start complaining about not getting any dates, not being married by the age of 24, or living through the biggest shidduch “crisis” in modern Jewish history. Unlike the mass killings in Darfur or an uncontrollable virus spreading across the world killing millions of people, the shidduch “crisis” is something that is in our power to change! We have the ability to work on our physical appearance to get us more dates. We have the power to be more assertive in our shidduch networking to get more shaddchans to set us up. And most importantly, we have the power to have a more “chilled out approach” to dating by limiting our intense screening process! I’ve often heard the phrase that “God helps those who help themselves.” Keeping that in mind, we must do our part to help our shidduch prospects, and then Hakadosh Baruchoo will intervene and make sure that we will ultimately find our bashert in a timely manner!

The 25 Most Eligible Modern Orthodox Bachelors of 2009

Girls like jerks! I have never understood the reason for this, but it happens to be a fact. After years in coed camps and schools, and even now during the shidduch process, it is a theory that has been reconfirmed over and over again. The meidels that tend to have it the worst are the super cute and popular ones. They generally have tons of buchrim flocking to them who span the spectrum from the captain of the basketball team to the captain of the Torah Bowl team. However, given their extreme popularity, and their ability to choose almost any buchur they want, they almost always end up with a jerk. Instead of spending time trying to determine why this is the case, I’d like to focus on what attributes make up a high quality buchur. I feel that by pointing out these common characteristic that all top notch buchrim share, it will allow meidels to be more equipped to filter out all the subpar guys in the shidduch world.

The 4 attributes that make a quality buchur and a great husband are the following:

Driven: The three things that determine an individual’s level of successful in life are: 1) passion 2) luck and 3) drive. Everybody is passionate about something, luck is decided by Hashem, but drive is something that is engrained in us over years of being forced to work for what we want. In a world where most people spend hours playing video games, watching TV, and waiting around for life to fall into place, finding someone who knows what they want out of life and possesses the drive to go out and get it is truly refreshing.

Attractive: Our genetic makeup is not something that we can control. However, I once heard the following statement, which I think holds true: If you give any buchur “a tan, better posture, whiter teeth, a fitness regimen, and clothes that fit, than he's well on his way to handsome.” The key to a buchur being attractive is putting in some time and effort. If you make the best with what you have, then that’s really all anyone can ask for.

Frum: I don’t like the word “frum” because it is defined in so many ways by so many different people. The key is finding someone who has a sincere passion AND respect for yidishkite. Everyone has their own standards that they wish to go by and different levels of religious observance. However, if you find someone with that type of genuine passion and respect, on whatever level is right for you, it will never go away.

Kindness: Kindness is one of those rare traits that is innate in very few people. The ability to genuinely care about others is not something that one can easily develop, and it is not something that will waver like religious observance, or diminish over time like appearance. If you find someone with this extraordinary middah, you should hold on to them with all your might, because this is not someone that will cross your path very often.

Now you are probably asking yourself “Where am I supposed to find a buchur like this? This isn’t exactly the type of information that is found on a Facebook profile!” You are correct! It’s hard to locate people with these types of unique qualities! Thankfully, I have done the work for you! Just like Forbes compiles a list of the world’s wealthiest people, Fortune accumulates a list of the world’s best companies, and People Magazine assembles a list of the world’s sexiest people, I have put together a list of the “25 Most Eligible Modern Orthodox Bachelors of 2009.” I know each of the following people personally and know that they are unique in the fact that they distinctly possess the 4 aforementioned attributes. In addition to the 4 attributes, they are all buchrim, who in 20 years from now, your girl friends will look at them and say: “Wow, why didn’t I marry a guy like that!”

All bachelors are equally ranked and have been sorted in alphabetical order by last name:

Bengio, Michael
Caplan, Adam
Davidovits, Moe
Douek, Daniel
Eckstein, Dani
Eis, David
Freund, Dovid
Goldglantz, Joe
Gorfinkel, Yirmi
Graber, Josh
Guttmann, Jay
Isser, David
Kilstein, Yaakov
Krohn, Ben
Lapin, Ari
Lev, Michael
Lustiger, Elie
Marciano, David
Raab, Yoni
Raskas, Jonah
Rosenberg, Oliver
Schnipper, Covey
Shenkman, Yoni
Sher, Avi
Westrich, Uri

Ladies, after releasing a list like this my advice to you is simple: Get moving! Contact every friend, colleague, and acquaintance you have! Use Google, Facebook, OnlySimchas and any other site that may be conducive to getting a date with one of these top notch buchrim because I can guarantee you one thing: They will not remain bachelors for long!

Good luck and happy stalking!

10 Things One Should NOT Do on a First Date!

I consider myself to be a very lucky and blessed individual! I have my health and a loving mishpacha! I’ve obtained a degree from one of the finest Universities in the world (i.e. YU) and I have a network of business colleagues that spans the globe. I posses a six pack that would make Brad Pitt jealous (only a slight exaggeration) and the type of winning personality that would make Tony Robbins shepp nachas! Despite all the innate ability that hakadosh baruchoo has blessed me with, one of the main reasons I consider myself to be such a fortunate buchur is the fact that I have never been on a bad date! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken out plenty of meidels who weren’t my type, my look, and bored the heck out of me, but I can not classify any of my dates as being a real fiasco (bli ayin harah, knock on wood, poo poo poo)! Throughout the past several years, as my friends and I have started dating, I have heard some real dating horror stories! I’ve heard tales of shidduch dates that made my stomach turn and made me want to throw in the towel on the whole shidduch dating process. After several years on the dating front I have decided to outline some of the more basic things that one should refrain from doing on a date. Granted, I’m sure there are plenty of wild stories of one party doing or saying something completely outlandish and out of line, but here are 10 of the more commonly practiced habits that one should refrain doing on a first date.

1) Do NOT ask how much money a guy makes: Generally most first dates consist of schmoozing and determining if the two parties have the same goals, interests, and desires. You might be wondering to yourself “How does the issue of annual salary come up on the first date?” Well the answer, as my friend told me, is this:

Meidel: I just interviewed for a teaching job!
Buchur: Great!
Meidel: I asked to be paid 75k starting salary!
Buchur: Oh, wow! That’s great money!
Meidel: Well, how much money do you make? (In a highly condescending voice)

There wasn’t really much tact to the meidels approach. She pretty much laid it all out on the table! Listen, once you are far enough in a relationship, money DOES become a factor because the meidel needs to know if this bachur can support the lifestyle she is accustomed to (i.e. Succos at the Citadel in Israel, Pesach at the Biltmore in Arizona, etc.). However, asking someone how much money they make on a first date is classless, silly, rude, dumb and will pretty much GARUNTEE that there will be no second date! Meidels, do yourself a favor and stick to the basic shylas (where you went to Israel, what’s your favorite sefer, etc.) and hold off on this extremely personal topic until things become a bit more serious!

2) Do NOT talk about previous girl friends/boy friends on the date: “I’m not interested” – That’s generally what people tell me when they have a date who talks non stop about there previous boy friend or girl friend. There will come a point in a relationship when two parties will want to talk (i.e. speak lashon harah) about the previous people they have dated. However, don’t open up to someone about your previous relationships on a first date because: 1) That indicates that you are still emotionally attached to your ex and 2) People are not interested in starting a relationship with someone who has tons of baggage. If you find yourself still talking about your ex non stop, then maybe you need to wait a little while before you jump back into the dating scene!

3) Do NOT order everything on the menu: What may seem logical and basic social etiquette to most meidels is sometimes incomprehensible to others! The buchur you are going on a first date with is not your Daddy! He is taking you out in order to determine if you guys are compatible. He is NOT taking you out for an all you all you can order eat-a-thon because he feels an innate desire to shower you with money. That is why you have your Daddy’s credit card! When a meidel goes out with a buchur and orders several appetizers, a main course, a soft drink, a bottle of wine, and multiple desserts, without the buchur explicitly telling her to do so; she shows a complete lack of class and no sensitivity to a buchur’s financial situation. Contrary to the way these types of meidels are brought up, money does not grow on trees. Money must be earned with hard work and is accumulated over time. Meidels should be cognizant of this before taking it upon themselves to order enough food to feed all the inhabitants of a small country!

4) Do NOT eat with your hands: Ever since most of us were little children, our parents’ would constantly tell us “Do not eat with your hands!” Generally, we grow out of this method of feeding ourselves by the time we reach the tender age of 10. While it may be cute to watch young kids messily shove food into their mouths without cutting it or using a fork, this same method of eating is no longer cute by the time one reaches their mid 20s. In fact it becomes quite nauseating! One meidel mentioned to me that a guy brought her to KD for a first date (first mistake), then proceeded to take his chicken cutlet in his hand and wave it around in the air as he was schmoozing with her, while occasionally taking a bite. If you take nothing else away from this post, at the very least take this: Buchrim, it is imperative to learn how to use utensils if you ever plan on eating in the presence of a meidel!

5) Do NOT bring index cards with a list of questions: For many, it’s often challenging to carry on a conversation, especially with people you never met before. For this reason, I’ve been told that many people may be tempted to carry notes or an index card with questions to ask while on a date. Too be perfectly frank: This is a shtickle pathetic! I can understand if you are not a hot shot salesman or networker who can approach and make conversation with everybody, but come on! At least try to be smooth (Note: Carrying index cards with questions to a first date is NOT smooth). Also, even though shidduch dating is pretty much an interview process, it’s also about building a relationship with the person. Sitting in Starbucks with a notebook filled with questions makes it challenging to develop any type of personal connection. As important as it is to know what the individuals mother wears to sleep at night, if her mother covers her hair, and if she stacks dishes at the shabbos table, it also might be worthwhile to shoot the breeze for a while and try to get a sense of your dates personality, rather then try to determine your interest based a long list of impersonal and more often then not, irrelevant questions!

6) Do NOT just talk about yourself: It’s important to try to make dates interactive. This is done by asking questions and follow up questions. No one is interested in someone who only rants about their own personal interests, hobbies, and career. Make it seem like you actually care what the other party has to say or thinks. When you’re on a date and realize that 2 hours went by and you are the only one that has been speaking, and the only topics that you spoke about were the summers that YOU spent working at HASC, then maybe you should take a step back and inquire what the other person’s interests are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very important to be passionate about your career and your hobbies, but to talk nonstop about your career as a successful financier or your time spent in the Beis Medresh as a kollelnic can lead anyone to want to want to kill themselves!

Here is the basic framework for a healthy discussion on a date:

Buchur: Ask question.
Meidel: Respond to question. Maybe use a story to illustrate your point (one word answers are NOT acceptable), follow up with a question for the buchur.
Buchur: Make a witty comment (for the more advanced conversationalists ONLY! Great way to fall flat on your face if not adequately experienced/prepared!), Respond to the meidels question, illustrate point with a story. Follow up with another question. Etc.

This is the basic framework of a how NOT to have a discussion on a date:

Buchur: Talk about your day for 10 min straight.
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talk about his career for another 10 min
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talks about the summers he spent at HASC
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”

If you feel like your conversation is going like the former, then congratulations, you’re on a roll! However, if you feel like your typical date discussion is more accurately described by the latter conversation, then maybe you should take a few minutes and shut your mouth and see what the other party has to say!

7) Do NOT ask the girl to split the bill with you: There are certain things in life that you just don’t do. They are unspoken rules. For example: You don’t make a phone call while in an elevator full of people, you don’t make eye contact with people on the NYC subway, and you don’t tell someone whom you never met that you liked their “pics” on Facebook. Another big no-no is for a buchur to ask a girl to split the bill with him on a date. It has been tradition for many years that a guy takes the girl out and pays for the date. Asking the girl to split the bill with you is just not classy. If you can’t afford to shell out too much money then go out for ice cream instead of dinner, or go to for a walk in the park instead of getting courtside seats to a Knicks game. The power is in the buchurs hands when picking an activity for a date! A guy shouldn’t go on a date like he approaches hanging out with a group of his cronies. When you hang out with your buddies from night seder you can split the cost of the activity. When you hang out one on one with a meidel who you are courting, the buchur MUST pay!

8) Do NOT be a back seat driver: No one likes backseat drivers! That’s a fact! Very often a buchur will have to shlep to the end of the world (i.e. Long Island/Staten Island/Queens etc.) to take out a specific meidel! In order to get to one of these remote locations, a buchur must drive on less then pleasant roads (Van Wyck, FDR, Grand Central, etc.), while having to endure the less than pleasant drivers (NYers), in addition to having to drive during extreme rush hour traffic! This is part of the price a buchur must pay for dating a NY girl. However, one thing a buchur shouldn’t have to endure is a meidel who insists on commenting on his driving technique at every red light or Stop sign. If a buchur stops at a Stop sign a meidel should not say “Go, already!” in a very annoyed tone. A meidel should not instruct a buchur to put on his turning signal if he forgets, nor should she suggest better breaking techniques! After sitting in 2 hours of traffic on the Grand Central, getting cursed at and being cut off by the unpleasant drivers, and getting heat from your boss for leaving work early, the best thing a meidel can do once she gets into a buchurs car is just smile and look pretty! That will be more appreciated then any type of pointers you can give regarding a buchurs driving skills!

9) Do NOT complain about the date on the date: People always analyze their dates with their friends. That’s fine to an extent! It’s always great to get feedback and bounce ideas off each other. If a date is really horrible, it may even be good to rant about it to your friends to get all those feelings off your chest that you weren’t able to express during the actual date. However, to complain during your date to your date and tell him how unimpressed you are with the venue he has chosen and say something like “I thought you were taking me to a real concert” or “This place is a dump” or express your disappointment for being taken on a subway is really just mean! It’s fair to assume that most people put some level of thought into a date even if it’s just at Starbucks. One must determine which Starbucks to go to and must come pick up a meidel from their residence. These simple things all require a buchur to be somewhat courteous and thoughtful. All the more so, if a buchur takes you to a more original place, even if you don’t like it, it’s just not appropriate to be a witch about it. I’m no poseik, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s better to bad mouth your date to your friends behind his back, then to hurt his feeling and embarrass him on the date itself!

10) Do NOT talk about how shady you were before Israel: Very often, you will encounter a guy or girl who loves talking about their “past life” or how much they “flipped out” in Israel. Here’s a bit of advice: This is not hot! Finding out that your date was the school drug dealer or the school smoocher is not impressive on any level. The fact that an individual still mentions his/her shady past just means that they haven’t actually gained anything from their year in Israel and are actually still proud of how messed up they were in high school. That’s the equivalent of going to a job interview and saying “Man, my last firm hated me because I would harass all the women at work and used to take drugs in the bathroom stalls. Thankfully, I went to a psychologist and rehab and now I’m clean.” On the one hand you might be “clean” now, but why the heck would a company want to hire someone that talks so fondly about their naughty past! Moreover, why would a firm want to hire someone who had that type of past, when they can hire someone with the same credentials who wasn’t a complete nut job at their last firm? The same thing applies with dating. If you managed to luck out and score a date with a quality meidel/buchur even though you severely messed up in high school, keep your shady past on the down low until you develop a relationship with the person and are obligated to disclose that type of information!

Let’s call a spade a spade: Shidduch dating is not a fun process! There are very few people I know that actually like dating for the sake of dating. Most people do it, find their bashert, and are happy to make it out with as few emotional scars as possible! The key is to try to make the whole shidduch dating experience as painless as we can. To do that one must act courteous to their dates and treat each other with respect even if you think the person that you are dating is a total freak show. Being respectful means not asking uncomfortable questions that really don’t concern you, or not making your date feel nauseated by eating like a wild animal, or hurting your dates feelings by mocking him and the venue he chose, or keeping in mind that your date had to trek all the way to Long Island during rush hour traffic to meet you and not busting his chops for forgetting to put on his turning signal when parallel parking! The bottom line is we are all in this shidduch dating game together. Let’s make it as bearable as possible by reviewing the 10 aforementioned rules of engagement, and praying to Hakadosh Baruchoo everyday that we make it out of this phase of our lives with our sanity still intact!

Can’t Hardly Wait

As my El Al flight landed on the tarmac in JFK several years ago, the clock started ticking! At the time, I had no idea that there was a clock or that it started ticking, but as I entered YU I began to feel my time tick away! The clock I speak of is the “shidduch clock.” Many buchrim and meidels feel the pressure to get married once they get back from spending a year in Israel. They spend a year growing, reflecting, learning, and working on themselves and now the next logical step is to get married! Not only do people assume it is the next logical step, but many meidels make it their MISSION to get married or at least engaged by graduation! From the first day back in the U.S. it seems like the main focus for many people has become developing their shidduch resume by spending a summer at HASC, getting involved with Yachad, working at the Sefarim Sale, or finding any and every excuse to go up to the guys campus. Over the past few years, since my Shana Aleph, I began to wonder why there is so much pressure to get married so soon after Israel. Why are meidels so panicky if they are still not married by graduation? Also, is it really the worst thing in the world to be single for several years after college?

The panic generally starts to set in when a meidel’s first friend gets engaged. After Israel there are always 1 or 2 couples who have been dating throughout high school, make it through their year in Israel, and get engaged and married not too long after. These people have managed to locate someone that they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They have managed to acquire enough knowledge and learn enough about themselves within the past 19 or 20 years of their lives that has prepared them to get married, support a family, and to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel at such a young age! In many ways these people are very fortunate. However, finding your bashert right after Israel is definitely not the norm. With most of us, the days tick by and Sophomore year turns into Junior year, and Junior year turns into Senior year. Eventually, with graduation in sight, many girls come to the realization that they will be unsuccessful in obtaining the coveted MRS degree while at Stern and will be spending the first year out of school living on their own in either Washington Heights or the Upper West Side!

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the biggest tragedy in the world to not be married by graduation or to move to one of the single communities on the upper west side of Manhattan! In fact, it can be viewed as a tremendous gift to have a few years during college and a few years afterwards to work on yourself, develop your character, and figure out what you want in life. It’s the perfect time to determine what type of career path you’d like to pursue and a great opportunity to become more independent by living on your own. Additionally, it’s really the only few years where you will have “you time.” It’s a time to be somewhat selfish. Your time is spent thinking about yourself, your future, and you don’t have a spouse or children to worry about. Granted everyone has responsibilities to their friends and family, but if you decide to pick up and go across the country on a school sponsored trip, you can! If you want to take 10 friends and go skiing in Utah, nothing is stopping you! If you want to see a 12am weekday showing of a movie, you can do it without feeling too irresponsible. It seems like these years of opportunity are viewed as a tremendous burden. Many people spend their single years worrying about finding someone to marry, rather than actually taking advantage of this time and celebrating their youth and freedom! Plenty individuals go from event to event hoping to find that special someone, rather than going through life appreciating what they already have!

The other day a buchur reached out to me regarding his frustration with the shidduch crisis and his inability to find his bashert. He asked for my advice and any suggestions I may have. After addressing some of his more specific issues, I said “…the best advice I can give you is to try every approach. Go on YUConnects, ask people out directly, go to the YU/Stern events, go on Shabbatons, tell friends to set you up. Everything and anything can work and not work. Very often in life things come to us when we least expect it and as long as you are doing your part and putting in an effort, than God takes care of the rest. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, there is only so much in life we have control over. The only things we do have control over are our actions and how we react to any given situation that is put before us. Assuming you are putting in an honest effort to find your bashert, then you are doing all the right things. You just need to wait for God to let you know when it's the right time.” In the meantime, just try to enjoy and get the most out of life!

As I write about this topic I remember my flight back from England to Israel several years ago. After a several hour delay, I finally landed at Ben Gurion airport on no sleep at about 4:00 in the morning. As the pilot was rushing through his final messages over the intercom reminding us to gather all our belongings, not to get up until the plane has come to a complete stop, and thanking us for flying Isra-air, he said the following “…and just remember one thing ladies and gentleman: You can stay single and be lonely the rest of your life, or get married and wish you were dead! Thanks and have a great day!” To this day I am not exactly sure why he made that comment. One can only imagine what types of problems he was having at home, but it struck me as a very interesting remark. The fact of the matter is the shidduch search can be a very lonely road at times, everybody who has ever been single knows that. However, we shouldn’t forget the last part of the pilot’s statement! Although we think that marriage is some type of nirvana, it is full of many challenges. The years in college and post college that lead up to marriage are the time that prepares us for this new chapter of our lives and we shouldn’t waste it wishing things were different! We shouldn’t take for granted our singlehood!

My Shidduch Advisor, Usher, once said: The word MAZAL is comprised of 3 letters that stand for three things:

Mem = Makom (place)
Zion = Zman (time)
Lamed = Lev (heart)

In order to have MAZAL in any situation, in particular with the shidduch hunt, you need to have these 3 components working for you. You need to be in the right place, it must be the right time, and you must pursue it with all your heart. Regardless of where you are in life, whether you are about to graduate college, you’re finishing graduate school, or you’re entering another year on the Upper West Side or Washington Heights, if you are still single, than keep the following things in mind:

1) You will get married! Stop panicking!
2) You are not alone in your loneliness on your quest to find your bashert!
3) You are very fortunate to have these years of singlehood and will miss them a great deal once you’re married. Don’t waste them!
4) In the end you can only do so much, and then God takes care of the rest!

Good Luck and God bless!

Rejection: Just one step closer to your bashert!

Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is of special significance and a cause for celebration for Jews around the world. At Yeshiva University, Yom Ha’atzmaut is of great significance and a cause for celebration for an additional reason: It is the only day during the entire year when ALL the Stern girls come up to the boy’s campus! Every meidel, from the Michlala girls to the French girls, the Accounting girls to the Pre-Med girls, and the Long Island girls to the LA girls are in attendance and dance hand in hand in celebration for the Jewish State. Naturally, given this incredibly unique occasion, it is only logical that all the buchrim from the YU community, regardless of religious observance, attend the festivities as well! Whether a buchur is a black hatter or a clubber, a Torah shteiger or a weed smoker, the odds are that at least one meidel at the event will pique his interest! With all the tremendous upside potential that such an affair can have, naturally there are some drawbacks, which I learned later that evening.

After several moving speeches about Israel, the crowd proceeded to go to the Max Stern Athletic Center for some Israeli style dancing. As we made our way to the dancing floor I got a huge waft of Israeli styled BO as the doors were opened. YU really thought of everything to help authenticate the experience! After about 10 minutes in the gym I came out for some fresh air and figured that I’d check out what types of exotic Israeli cuisine was being served. As I walked into the cafeteria, I ran into my good friend, Avrumi, who had a very troubled expression on his face.

Me: Avrumi, come get some falafel balls and shawarma with me! I’m starving!
Avrumi: They don’t have any shawarma and I think I’m going to head back to my apartment! Tonight was pretty intense…
Me: WHAT!?!?! No shawarma! What kind of Israeli celebration is this? I mean they have the BO in the gym to go along with the dancing, which is a nice Israeli touch…and the Hebrew speeches were pretty good… how can they not have any shawarma? That’s a staple of any Israeli celebration!
Avrumi: Forget the food! I have other things on my mind tonight!

(Seeing that I wasn’t going to get to the food anytime soon, I decided to inquire as to what transpired over the evening that was so troublesome to Avrumi.)

Me: Avrumi, what’s wrong?
Avrumi: Well things started off nicely…saw some cuties, got into the dancing!
Me: Cuties are good! I like cuties!
Avrumi: Then I came in to the cafeteria for food and that’s when things went downhill!
Me: Oh no! You lost track of the cuties?
Avrumi: Well, I took a large plate of food then looked for a seat. I only spotted one seat in the entire room, so I went to sit down. As I do so, I see that the seat is next to some girl I asked out and got rejected by.
Me: Ouch! So what did you do?
Avrumi: There was nothing I could do! She already saw me…so I just sat down and pretended that I was happy to see her!
Me: Eh…that stuff happens. What’s the big deal?
Avrumi: I’m just getting started! After 2 minutes of me sitting there stuffing my face and listening to her blab on and on about her new boyfriend, another girl walks over. This girl went on two dates with me then gave me the ax! So she starts talking to the first girl and after a couple minutes of her yapping away, I see a girl walk by that I currently have a thing for. She comes over and starts talking to me.
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of girls! So what happened with you and the girl you currently have a “thing” for!
Avrumi: Oh, she rejected me a few weeks ago! Whatever…so after a few minutes, I finished devouring my food so I wouldn’t have to sit there anymore, and then I start walking to the other side of the room and who do I run into? Another girl I asked out and got rejected by!
Me: You should stop dating Stern girls. That would limit the awkwardness at these events.
Avrumi: 1) This last girl goes to Columbia. 2) I never said things were awkward! They were just not pleasant situations. Things only become awkward when you make them awkward!
Me: Note to self!
Avrumi: Anyway, so as I’m walking away from Ms. Columbia, I walk into some girl I dated and I rejected! I think she still has a “thing” for me, so I tried to be pleasant and friendly. Finally, after another boring/waste of time discussion, I make my way to the exit and as I’m 10 feet from the door I run into another girl who was into me, asked me for my number, and I rejected!
Me: I’m getting confused with all these girls!
Avrumi: That’s fine, she was the last one. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit and she left me alone!
Me: Well, that’s a lot of girls, and a lot of rejections! Over what span of time did you date/get rejected by all these girls? 2 years? 3 years?Avrumi: Hmmm, maybe 8 months.
Me: 8 MONTHS! You dated all these girls in 8 months? You’re a machine!
Avrumi: Are you joking? I’ve dated over 30 girls in the past 8 months. There just happens to be around 1/3 of them in this room right now!
Me: 30!?!?! WOW! You are a god amongst men! Your perseverance amazes me and your smoothness and lack of awkwardness is awe inspiring.
Avrumi: Thanks! Wow, I worked up quite an appetite from sharing all that with you! Let’s go get some food. I think that girl standing by the French fries told me she wouldn’t date me last June because I wear jeans…

It is important that I mention that by no means is Avrumi a neb. He is driven, frum, has his act together, and is a solid looking buchur. He’s even pretty smooth with the meidels! What I’ve learned from my discussion with Avrumi is twofold: 1) Everyone, no matter what you have going for you, will get rejected at some point in life! It’s just the way things work. 2) You must persevere regardless of how many times you’ve been rejected! Even though Avrumi seems to get rejected regularly, he gets right back on the shidduch dating train and asks out another meidel! Vince Lombardi, the famous football coach, once said "It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up” Michael Jordan had a similar quote about failure, which was: “I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Despite how talented, good looking, frum and awesome we might be…we are all bound to fail! It’s not a negative way of viewing life; it is just an accurate observation of the way life works. Although at times it seems like the search for your bashert is an endless barrage of horrible experiences at Starbucks, boring trips to the Marriott, or dinners where you are more interested in your food than the person sitting across from you, the fact of the matter is the odds are in in your favor! My friend and Shidduch Advisor, Usher, summed up this idea beautifully with one of the best pieces of advice on the seemingly endless quest for one’s bashert. He said: “Bro, just keep in mind, you only need ONE of these girls to work out!” Shidduch dating is not baseball, where every swing of your bat can potentially hurt your batting average! The shidduch game is a numbers game, as Avrumi clearly understands! The more people you go out with, the better odds you have at finding that special someone who is in fact your bashert!

Buchrim Gone Wild!

Several weeks ago, my Chief Shidduch Advisor, Shaindel, suggested that I go to a speed dating event with her. I said “No way…not my thing!” After much persistence, I finally caved and decided to tag a long because there is always that possibility that my bashert could be in attendance. So off we went to speed date! We walked into the building, signed up, and received our name tags. Having never attended a speed dating event before I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the set up was pretty much as I imagined it would be. There were several long tables with chairs on both sides. The meidels sat on one side, while the buchrim sat on the other. Every 90 seconds the shaddchan would blow her whistle and the buchrim would slide over a seat to meet the next highly eligible meidel. After everyone met each other via speed dating, there was dinner and time to mingle. As the mingling took place I got to meet/observe some of the other buchrim at the event. Some guys were well groomed, polished, and dressed to impress. While the overwhelming majority of others looked like they rolled out of bed 5 seconds ago! It looked as though many guys put absolutely NO EFFORT into their appearance! I began to contemplate why anyone would walk out of their house looking like such a shlamazel, ESPECIALLY when you are attending an event where you are “interviewing” to find your bashert! Most things in life we have no control over, however, there are plenty of things that are under our power to change or perfect. The following are three observations I made that night that could easily be corrected by the male attendees, assuming they put in some time and effort.

Teeth – Some guys at the event had teeth that were truly frightening! Just to clarify: When I say “bad teeth” I am not talking about bad breath, which is quite understandable. Someone might have had an onion and garlic sandwich prior to the event, washed it down with a glass of borscht, and forgot to brush their teeth. These things happen! When I say bad teeth, I’m talking about teeth that are mamish crooked and pointing in every direction, but straight. In addition to the crooked factor, they were also super yellow. Now, several decades ago if your teeth came out crooked and yellow you were stuck with them! However, nowadays it is INEXCUSABLE to have teeth that are so horrid! This is the 21st century and there is this great invention called braces! Everyone who is anyone has had braces! If you didn’t need braces, than good for you! If you did need braces, and you got them, then you are part of the majority. However, if you’re teeth are as horrible as I described, and you still haven’t gotten them…you really need to get your act together! Now let’s address the yellowness factor. Getting your teeth whitened by a dentist can be pricey and is often not covered by insurance. Therefore, I recommend two things 1) whitening tooth pastes and 2) Crest whitening strips. Maybe your teeth won’t be milk white, but at least you will be in better shape then when you started! Most people don’t have teeth that are anything to write home about, but straightening them and cleaning them are the mere basics! Bad teeth are a major turn off. Unless you plan on doing your shidduch dating in England, which is the only country that seems to have a strong appreciation for poor dental hygiene, then I would get on top of this issue immediately!

Fashion – I, along with many men, HATE shopping and know little about clothing. If I never had to step foot in a mall again, I will be a very happy bachur! That being said, I still know that when I go on a job interview, a shidduch date, or out to dinner with friends, I need to look presentable! Too come to a speed dating event in a shirt that is wrinkled and looks like you rolled around in a puddle of mud before you arrived is really just offensive! It indicates that you really don’t have any respect for yourself or the person you are meeting. Listen, I’d love to walk around in my PJs all day, but the fact of the matter is its not respectful and it would reflect extremely poorly on me! Speaking of reflecting poorly, let’s mention a few other observations I made regarding clothing that are big no-no’s: Buttoning the top button on your dress shirt without wearing a tie looks absolutely ridiculous! Wearing a pocket protector and walking around with a pad of paper and a pen will ensure that you are labeled as a nerd (if that’s the look you’re going for), but buttoning your top button is just over the top! I don’t think that was EVER considered a stylish way to dress! Wearing pants that fit are also highly desirable amongst meidels! Pants that are too baggy look ridiculous! You are not in the hood, so don’t dress like a gangsta! Pants that are too tight might lead people to think that you are at the wrong type of event; unless of course you are European…then you might be able to get away with it! Pants that fit are important. Let’s talk about socks! Wearing black pants, black shoes and white socks just won’t fly. If you are looking to experiment with the chassidish look, then a speed dating event is not the time or place for it. All in all, you should look presentable, and not like a shlump. No one is asking you to wear the finest designer clothing, but to wear a clean shirt, matching clothes, and pants that fit should not be too much to handle!

Schmoozing Ability – Some buchrim are born with the innate ability to schmooze with anyone and have a way with the ladies. If you are not one of these people, don’t feel bad! Most people are not like this! However, there are certain social norms that are expected from all people, regardless of how awful their social skills might be. One thing that I constantly saw reoccurring was the following: A meidel is having a discussion with several people and a random guy gets into the girls face and starts trying to hock with her. Note: It is not socially acceptable to get up in a meidels face when she is in the middle of a discussion in an effort to have your own separate conversation with her! This is rude, annoying, and not a turn on. Being aggressive is admirable, but interrupting someone’s discussion is not. Speaking of discussions let’s talk about having a conversation. The typical conversation amongst individuals generally has a lot of give and take. One person will say something like “Hi, I’m Yitzy.” And the person being spoken to will respond, by saying “My name is, Frumie!” To which Yitzy should respond by saying anything from how nice the weather is, making a witty remark, asking a follow up question, etc. At the event, there were even pieces of paper given to the speed daters of questions you can ask in case you get stuck! What frequently happened was a buchur would approach a meidel and this is how the encounter would take place:

Yitzy: Hi!
Frumie: Hi!
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: I’m Frumie…
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: What do you do for fun?
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: Uhhh…Nothing…
Frumie: Oh, OK. I like ice cream.
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: [Gives Frumie a sociopathic smile, but doesn’t utter a word]
Frumie: OK, I’m going to go walk over there now. Nice meeting you.

END OF COVERSATION

Having a conversation is a two way street! It’s not enough to just start a conversation by saying “hi.” There needs to be some back and forth! Conversing with someone is not the same as turning on the TV or going to a shiur and just listening. Step up, and keep the conversation going. Rule of thumb: If you ever get stuck you can always discuss the weather, what the person does for a living, or their favorite sefer. It can sometimes be nerve racking talking to a meidel and this is quite understandable. However, there is really no excuse for being rude! If someone is having a discussion, leave them alone until they have finished. If you are initiating a discussion, then it is important that you fully PARTICIPATE in the discussion! It is not the meidels job to entertain you!

In life, despite what we want to believe, there are only so many factors that we can control. We can not control are genetic make up, our intelligence, or external factors that effect our everyday life. We can’t make an employer want to hire us, a person like us, or get an individual to want to date us. In a world where we really have the power over so little, why not try to refine and perfect the areas where we do have some control? Although none of us are blessed with flawless physical features, we should still do our part to make the best of what we have. Whether that means regular dentist visits, brushing our hair, wearing a clean and ironed shirt, showering, going to the gym regularly, or even asking the salesman at the mall what the latest trends and styles are! Also, many people get a bit awkward when they talk to the opposite gender, especially if it’s someone that piques their interest, however, everyone can at least ATTEMPT at having a normal conversation! It’s very easy to sit back and wait for things to come to you. It’s also easy to let yourself go and to convince yourself that there is no way for you to improve certain character traits or features. Whenever you are in a funk and think these thoughts just tell yourself this: “My time is now.” Your time is now to refine yourself. Your time is now to change any unwanted mannerisms. The time to make all adjustments is now while you are still young because before you know it, you will blink, and you will be the same person with crooked yellow teeth, wearing wrinkled dirty shirts to speed dating events, and interrupting peoples conversations, as you were as an awkward 20 something year old looking for his/her bashert!

Your time is now…

The Fall of the Michlala girl and the Rise of the Band Geek

"I work at the YU Seforim Sale because I’m an incredibly well rounded and open minded individual and I relish the opportunity to meet and converse with a variety of different people that come to the sale…Especially the cute Michlala girls!" The Yeshiva University Commentator quoted me as saying those words in response to the question: “What is your favorite part about working at the Seforim Sale?” For some reason, while I was a student at YU, I had a phase where I was absolutely mesmerized by Michlala girls. I don’t know if it was the ultra-tznius way that they dress or the mystique that they possess by only coming out of hiding for “shtark” events such as the Seforim Sale or the Yom Ha’atzmaut chaggiga. Either way, during my senior year at YU, I knew for a fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a meidel that attended Michlala! After about 6 months, many dates, and several Michlala girls later, my obsession finally subsided and I began to question what lead me to develop such an interest in these girls. Furthermore, I wondered, in this day and age, what leads young men and women to develop such a strong fixation with any individual? I’ve come to realize that there are two competing influences that affect our decisions and perception when looking for an ideal mate: Secular culture vs. Religious culture.

Secular culture: A casual walk through Times Square, watching a few minutes of television, or a drive down any highway and we are bombarded with billboards or commercials of scantily clad men and women, prancing around in underwear with their chiseled abs and skin that is airbrushed to perfection. All these things blur reality and try to lead us to believe that if we attain that appearance or find a spouse that has, then we have found the love of our life! Let’s face the facts! Very few people will actually attain this level of beauty naturally. Odds are you won’t end up with one of them (Sorry, bro!)! Additionally, with the proper amount of makeup and the right lighting, you can make almost anyone look like a hottie! The images of people we are seeing are after hours of cropping and editing! Given all that we are exposed to via television and advertisements, one would come to believe that the ultimate soul mate is one that has attained extreme beauty!

Religious culture: On the other side of the coin, and the one that I believe influenced my obsession with Michlala girls, are our religious leaders pushing other criteria when trying to find our mate. While studying in Israel for the year, the Rebbeim constantly pushed us to focus on ruchneeus (spirituality) rather than gashmeeus (materialism). Once we came back from Israel and entered the shidduch world, the simple idea of focusing on one’s neshama, and not only their physical appearance, somehow mutated into a list of exact and absurd specifications that are required before a first date. Some of which, but certainly not all include: 1) Does the meidel wear open toed shoes? 2) Does the buchur’s mother cover her hair? 3) Does the meidel have the AUDACITY to wear a seatbelt in the car? 4) Does the buchur have a list of multiple references that can confirm his daily Torah learning? 5) Does the meidel stack plates at the Shabbos table? 6) What does the buchur’s mother wear to sleep (that is a real question that I saw while skimming through the shidduch literature at this year’s Sefarim Sale)? This school of thought has led people to believe that the most important factor in finding one’s bashert is the individual’s religious observance.

One might think that the logical conclusion to this conflict of ideologies should be somewhere in the middle, which is paying attention to an individuals looks, as well as their religious observance. While this idea may be true, I think that there is a very important factor that we tend to leave out. The real question and the first one we should all be asking ourselves before we start dating is: “Who am I?” Once we understand who we are, we can understand what type of person we are looking to spend the rest of our lives with. It may not only be about attractiveness or religious level, rather it is about knowing who will make us happy! To help me illustrate my point I’d like to reference the highly acclaimed American Pie films. It was in these movies where I heard one of the most profound ideas about finding your soul mate. Throughout the first film, the main character, Jim, wants to date a pretty foreign girl named Nadia. Unable to get a date with her to the prom, he gets a nerdy girl who goes to band camp to attend the prom with him and they have a very enjoyable time together. In American Pie 2, Jim has built a friendship with the band geek and she is constantly shown giving Jim advice on how to develop a relationship with Nadia. Towards the end of the film, Jim is finally alone with Nadia and he finally has the opportunity to consummate their status as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, all of a sudden, Jim begins to leave. This is the dialogue:

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim’s final statement may be overlooked throughout the course of the movie, but it is quite profound in nature. He finally realized who he was as a person, which was a band geek, and that’s the type of person he will be most happy with. After years pursuing one specific girl, he came to the realization that she is not what he is looking for in a shidduch despite her beauty and neshama. Although American Pie is just a movie, I think the point that we gain from this dialogue is quite clear. So often we spend our lives pursuing a person that we are led to believe is “perfect” in either physical appearance or in religious observance. In my case it was a Michlala girl, in Jim’s case it was Nadia, and in your case it’s _________________. Even though there are many factors that are important in the hunt for your bashert, the most important elements to marriage are that you enjoy spending time with the person, they make you laugh, and they like you for who you are. These traits won’t fade over time like looks and they won’t waver over the course of your life like religious observance. As we approach Pesach and search for chameitz (sorry, I had to tie it into Pesach somehow), we should try to internalize this message and search within ourselves for who we are and what we are REALLY looking for in a shidduch. My bracha to everyone reading this is that we will all be zoche to find our very own “band geek” in the near future!


Chag Kasher ve-Sameach!

The Reason Why You’re Not Married Yet: Your Friends!

Several weeks ago I was walking with a few friends to the subway when we ran into two fine meidels. I was good friends with one meidel, and the other one was a super cutie that I’ve never met before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries we were on our way. The following day I followed up with my friend and asked her to set me up with the super cutie. She responded by saying “No, I don’t see it! You eat at coed meals on the Upper West Side on Shabbos…she would never date you!” As absurd as this excuse may sound, I’m sure that everyone reading this article can identify with a similar experience. At some point in our dating lives we have all asked someone, who we thought was our friend, to set us up, and they responded by saying “I don’t see it…” followed by several nonsensical excuses as to why they won’t mention your interest to their friend. It’s almost ironic that one of the biggest obstacles in our search for our bashert is our friends! Our single friends and our married friends both play their own special part in making it even more difficult for us singles to find our one true love!

Single Friends: Friends have a tendency to act as screeners when it comes to the shidduch scene. Maybe it’s to protect us, or maybe it’s because they think they can predict the future and have the ability to determine who we will marry. Do me a favor, as much as I appreciate my friends looking out for me in this regard…STOP IT! Imagine if the same thing happened in regards to another area of your life! Let’s take your career for example: Companies would call your friend expressing interest for a one on one interview because they admire your strong credentials; meanwhile your friend is telling all these firms that she “doesn’t see it” without even consulting you! This is my life, this is my career, and this should be my decision! If I want your input I will ask for it! The same thing goes for the shidduch scene. Even if I might not be interested in someone, I still like to hear what’s out there! Let ME determine if this individual is a good match for ME! Until you are told otherwise, you are NOT my life coach or my shidduch advisor! You are a messenger! Receive the message and deliver it to me! Nothing more!

Married Friends: Single friends tend to serve more of a defensive position in preventing you from finding your bashert by not relaying a certain individual’s interest in you. Married friends, on the other hand, serve essentially as a very poor offense! The husband knows buchrim and the wife knows meidels, therefore they are in perfect position to set you up, but they don’t! I often find that once a couple is married or seriously dating, they in effect remove themselves from the shidduch scene completely. When I recently asked a married friend of mine to set me up he said “I don’t set people up. I leave it to the professional shaddchans!” Are you kidding me? You don’t set people up? It’s your RESPONSIBILITY to set people up! Again, let’s try to compare that way of thinking to another area of life: You’re driving along the highway and all of a sudden you spot your married friends in an accident on the side of the road. You pull over and say “Hey, what’s going on here?” They respond: “We got into a bit of a fender bender. Do you mind calling a tow truck and the police…my cell died.” You respond “Sorry, bro! I don’t dabble in road side assistance. It’s just not my thing. Good luck with that!” Then you drive away! What kind of nonsense is this? You’re in the position to help out friends and you just tell them, that you don’t get involved in that type of activity (i.e. helping people) and then you leave! We should all remember that with each stage of life we are ALL presented with different unique challenges and responsibilities. At times life can get hectic and confusing; however, this does not absolve us from our basic responsibilities as a friend!

Bing Crosby once said about his friend Bob Hope: "There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other." It’s easy for someone to say that they’re your friend, but to actually step up and help someone out takes time and effort, which really distinguishes your friends from people who just have that title. I’ve heard EVERY excuse in the book as to why a friend won’t relay my interest to a particular meidel. “She is too religious for you,” “She wears pants”, “She isn’t dating yet”, “She wants to make Aliyah,” “She sees movies,” “She doesn’t see movies,” “She might see movies,” She only sees PG 13 movies,” “She doesn’t come from a haimish family,” “You stack the plates at the Shabbos table,” yada yada yada! I’ve also heard every excuse from married couples as to why they don’t set people up. Either because they “had a bad experience once,” “don’t do shaddchan work,” or they just blow you off with the very popular “Oh, I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for you” (Translation: Stop bothering me. Helping a friend is not on the top of my to-do list.). Friends should serve as messengers and facilitators when it comes to the shidduch scene, not as screeners or obstacles standing in our way. If we all remain more cognizant of our actions by keeping our friend’s best interest at heart, than we will all be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel in the near term, which will, i’yh, bring Mashiach in the not to distant future…AMEN!

The Ideal Shidduch Date

Yoni: Hi guys! I have a blind date tomorrow, any suggestions as to where I should take her?
Yirmiyahu: Is she a hottie?
Yoni: I don’t know…it’s a blind date!
Yirmiyahu: You don’t know how she looks?!?!? That’s your first problem! Just take her to Starbucks! It’s my go-to place for first dates!
Yoni: Isn’t that being a bit cheap?
Yirmiyahu: Why would I spend more than $5 on someone I don’t know!
Moses: Yirmiyahu, you ARE cheap! Take her to My Most Favorite…the salmon there is phenomenal!
Joey: Na, too expensive, Café K is my makom kavua for first dates…I find it especially romantic!
Yisroel: I’m a Marriott guy myself…
Yoni: Woaaah! You take your dates to the Marriott! Isn’t that moving a bit quickly!
Yisroel: Not like that silly! We sit in the lobby and talk.
Yoni: Wow, you’re super cheap…and boring!
Aaron: I just take my first dates to Dave and Busters. I like playing video games so worst case scenario, if the date is a complete disaster, at least I have a pleasant time.
Yoni: Interesting strategy…

The above conversation is a typical discussion amongst buchrim when they are trying to determine where to take a meidel on a date. A buchur struggles with trying not to seem too cheap, while simultaneously trying to find a place that is conducive for determining whether the meidel sitting before him is in fact his bashert. Through my shidduch dating career I’ve heard about numerous different types of dates. I’ve heard about dates that were outlandishly expensive and those that were embarrassingly cheap. I’ve also heard of extremely clever dates, as well as extremely boring ones. Below I have grouped together the ten most popular first date themes and analyzed the significance of each venue.


1) The “strictly business”/ “hedge your bet” option:

Venue: Hotel Lobby or Starbucks

Analysis: This type of date is particularly popular amongst the Yeshivaish crowd. One reason for this is its very unlikely that something untznius can possibly occur while sitting in a hotel lobby or at Starbucks with dozens of people. Second reason is its super cheap or free. Third reason is you get right to the heart of the matter with out wasting your time with an activity! The entire date is spent determining if these two people are destined to spend the rest of their lives together! Immediately both parties are inundated with a barrage of “relevant questions” including: Does this person use a white table clothe on shabbos? Does the girl where a seat belt in the car? Does either party stack plates when clearing the shabbos table? Has the buchur ever watched TV or attended the cinema? How many hours a day does the buchur learn? Is the meidel a good cook? How much chesed work does the meidel do? After a date like this, if the date went well than the time spent was well worth it! Even more interesting is if the date is a total failure the buchur is out a mere $5 of his father’s money! Either way, the buchur comes out a winner!

2) The “go all out” option:

Venue: My Most Favorite, Prime Grill, Broadway Show, Sporting Event

Analysis: A commonly used strategy by buchrim who have a lot of money, or are trying to impress a particular meidel. This is a very risky strategy because if things don’t go well, you can easily be out $70+. This strategy is also commonly used by amateurs who think they need to go all out for a first date before they actually know the person. I’m all for making a good impression, but to spend $70 on someone you don’t know is just silly! To all the buchrim out there: You can’t buy love!

3) The “I want to see everyone I know” option:

Venue: Café K and Deli Kasba

Analysis: If a buchur wants to ensure that he sees everyone that he has ever met, or wants to show the meidel how popular he is, than this is a phenomenal strategy! Thursday nights at Café K you are guaranteed to run into at least 7 people you know! If going out on Sunday night is more your thing than Deli Kasba is the place to go! These two venues are so overused for shidduch dates that groups of friends actually schedule to go eat dinner there in order to watch the dates for entertainment purposes! If you want an audience on your next date then these restaurants are the obvious choices!

4) The “I have no class” option:

Venue: Kosher Delight, Port Authority, Airport

Analysis: No, no, and no! There are rare times in the course of your life when you will get a heter from me to eat at Kosher Delight (i.e. you are dying from hunger and there is nothing edible left in the world)! Kol vechomer, you can NOT bring a first date there! The food is essentially crap soaked in oil and you walk out of that restaurant smelling like you have been rolling around in fried chicken and dirt for hours! If you are unlucky enough to have to use the facilities during your stay and must venture off into their basement, well…may God have mercy on your soul! The fact that the Department of Health hasn’t shut down KD is truly a world wonder and simply defies any logic. Bottom line: No KD. Strolling around in the Airport or the Port Authority bus station makes just as little sense. Unless you plan on traveling somewhere on your first date, stay away from those venues and stick to the Marriott! They are both free, except the Marriott doesn’t smell like a bus!

5) The “gaming” option:

Venue: Dave and Busters and ESPN Zone

Analysis: Very popular place for first dates…and I am still puzzled why! I never met a girl that thoroughly enjoys playing video games. I also don’t think either location is the best place to have a conversation. There is little or no place to sit and the music is usually very loud. Yet, I find that both places are frequented by shidduch dates. Granted, you will never run into a problem of yichud at either venue, but you also can’t have a normal discussion. The only reason I can think of to go to either place is if you know that the date will be a total fiasco. If this is the case you can always focus on the game you are playing and you can avoid speaking to each other by continuously suggesting you play another game. If you are looking to ease the pain of a potentially awful date, then these are ideal options!

6) The “athletic” option:

Venue: Ice skating, roller skating, Frisbee in the park

Analysis: I love the outdoors! I like skating in Bryant Park during the winter, roller skating down Riverside Park during the spring, and an intense game of ultimate Frisbee or soccer during the summer. However, buchrim must be cautious when taking a first date to do any of these activities. Case in point: Ice is slippery. It is very easy to fall. It is even easier to fall or get knocked over when those show offs on the ice try to impress everyone by skating backwards or perform triple axels with no regard for the rest of the skaters, and lo and behold they check your date into the ice where she falls face first on to the floor and busts her knee (Yes, I am speaking from experience!). That being said I still think outdoor activities are great options for dates. You can go do the selected activity at a leisurely pace while enjoying the outdoors. But buchrim must use EXTREME caution before choosing the aforementioned types of activities!

7) The “I am super shtark” option:

Venue: Shiur (Shul, Beis Medresh, etc.)

Analysis: Shlomo hamelech said it the best in Kohelet when he wrote “There is a time for every purpose under heaven.” There is a time to have fun, a time to work out, a time to learn Torah, and a time to go on a shidduch date! If you are on a shidduch date, don’t try to show off how shtark you are by taking her to a shiur on a first date! Odds are if the meidel already agreed to go out with you, than she obviously thinks you are shtark enough for her. Also, a buchur shouldn’t exercise this option in order to limit discussion with the meidel. If you are going on a date, than focus on the date, not on a shiur! If this is how you decide to spend a first date, than maybe you should spend a bit less time learning Torah and a bit more time refining your social skills!

8) The “unashamed smooching” option:

Venue: Club, Bar, Brookdale Lobby

Analysis: We all run into these types of dates from time to time. People that spend more time with their mouths locked together, than used for having a discussion. Several years ago I was at a shabbaton in Stern College for Women and was hanging out in Brookdale Hall. As my friends and I are schmoozing and playing board games we spot a buchur and meidel feeding each other chips with salsa and taking breaks every few minutes for long passionate make out sessions, with plenty of caressing, and other such activities that everyone in the room would have rather been spared from seeing. Shomer negiah issues aside, isn’t it more logical to spend time getting to know a person before you smooch with them? There will be plenty of time for smooching, fondling, and all different types of activities that shouldn’t be held in a public forum after you are married. In the meantime it probably makes more sense to try to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with that individual rather than trying to satisfy your own personal desires, while making everyone else in the room highly uncomfortable. Bottom line: Any date that consists primarily of French kissing in a public area is not the best dating idea.

9) The “clever, but cheap” option:

Venue: MET, The Museum of Natural History, etc.

Analysis: These dates are solid choices for several reasons. One reason is many museums in NY have a “suggested donation” (i.e. pay as little as you want). Second reason is they are quiet, which is conducive to having a discussion. Third reason, is there is stuff to look at and discuss to get the conversation going. Fourth reason, assuming that neither party has ADD; the date will take at least two hours. Fifthly, the buchur will come off as being cultured if he elects to go to a museum. All in all, if you go to a museum on your first date, you MUST be an experienced veteran when it comes to shidduch dating or you have an innate ability to sense how to get the most for your money. Either way…KOL HAKAVOD!

10) The “Chasidish” option:

Venue: The chuppa!

Analysis: A highly underrated option in the Modern Orthodox community! Being that I am not Chasidish, I am in no way an expert on the Chasidish dating! However, I happen to have Chasidish relatives so I can offer some insight on the subject. It is my understanding that one of my cousins was introduced to the girl he was going to marry like a week before their wedding. Then they got married! Talk about eliminating the shidduch crisis all together! If we all subscribed to this model of dating we would all be married at our desired age and wouldn’t have to worry about dating all together! I am envious of all those that are so lucky and it makes me ponder converting to Chasidism!

Conclusion: Some of the best advice I have ever received regarding dating came at a wedding of a super shtark friend of mine. Naturally, he had separate seating so I really had no one of interest to talk to. As the wedding progressed I began to make conversation with the middle aged gentleman sitting next to me. He mentioned to me that he had five daughters and they were all married. He then said to me “Can I give you some dating advice?” Always looking for words of wisdom regarding the shidduch scene I told him I would love to hear his insights. He said “My advice to you is take your dates to places where you spend very little money or nothing at all!” Very surprised with his comment I asked “Won’t the girls get offended and call me cheap? If a girl spends so much time getting ready for a date, shouldn’t I at least take her to a nice place?” The gentleman shook his head and said “No, that’s the worst thing you can do. Everybody enjoys being pampered and going to fancy restaurants or shows. Go for a walk or to coffee and just have a discussion. My youngest daughter, who just got married, knew she was going to marry the guy after the 4th date and he hardly spent any money at all!” Intrigued I asked “How is it possible to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with after only 4 dates?” He said “Once you know that all the smaller things fit, than all the bigger things in life will just work themselves out. When rough times come in life you know that you and your wife will still love each other for who you are and your love wasn’t based on fancy restaurants or lavish gifts.” As I internalized his words I began to think back on how much money I wasted on previous dates, when I probably knew from the onset that they weren't going anywhere. I may not be Yeshivaish or Chasidish and I may be passionate about the outdoors, but from now I can tell you this: From this point forward all my dates will be held at the Marriott!*




(*Note: I cannot guarantee the accuracy of this statement).

Why Buchrim are Cowards

“Just Do It” – Nike coined this slogan in the late 1980’s and it was chosen by Advertising Age as one of the top five ad slogans of the 20th century. The chachma behind these three words goes way beyond just marketing athletic equipment! It applies to various aspects of life. Whether you need to muster up the energy to go to the gym after an exhausting day at work or finding the courage to speak in front of a room full of people…you are always subconsciously saying to yourself ‘Just Do It’ in order to make things happen! One area that I find this phrase particularly applicable, and an area that I’m sure Philip Knight and the people over at Nike didn’t fathom it would have any bearing, is in regards to the shidduch scene! Whenever most buchrim spot an attractive meidel, we have a tendency to freeze up and not do anything! Instead we take it upon ourselves to do some Facebook/Google stalking in order to find out who she is and how we can get set up with her! The ball is in our court, and we are essentially looking to a 3rd party to have them take control of our destiny! Why don’t we seize the opportunity, go up to the meidel, strike up a conversation, and ask for her number? Why do we always look to a third party to make things happen instead of taking Nike’s advice, mustering up some courage, and JUST DO IT?

There are 3 main reasons why buchrim fear approaching a meidel:

1) Fear of being called sketchy – Let’s knock this one off first! Asking someone out is not sketchy! Asking someone out takes confidence and guts! It’s also a very effective way of taking out someone that you are actually interested in, as opposed to waiting for a random shaddchan on Saw You at Sinai to set you up with someone strictly because your profiles both say that you are ‘non-smokers’ and are looking for someone who ‘wants to make Aliyah.’ It seems like only recently that asking someone out directly has become a ‘sketchy’ activity! Let’s clarify what sketchy is/is not:

Hanging out in dark ally ways = sketchy

Spending hours on OnlySimchas looking through pictures of people you don’t know = sketchy

Asking out a girl at the sefarim sale = not sketchy!

Ladies, next time a buchur has the courage to approach you in the YU library and make conversation, you should be flattered that he finds you attractive! You should also keep in mind that he had the guts to do what most other YU guys just sit in the Beis Medresh and dream about!

2) Fear of being labeled a stalker – Being labeled a stalker is a pretty harsh way to describe someone. 20 years ago people would associate the world stalker with individuals who used binoculars to spy on their neighbors, now people throw that term around like it’s going out of style!

Some examples:

Meidel: “Some guy asked me out at the sefarim sale today!”
Her friends: “What a stalker!”

Meidel: “Some guy in the library today asked me a question!”
Her Friends: “Sketchy stalker!”

Meidel: “Stalker!”
Her Friends: “The YU guy that sat next to you on the inter-campus shuttle last week because the rest of the shuttle was full!”
Meidel: “Correct!”

Ladies, don’t flatter yourself! Just because a buchur asks you out in the library or sits next to you on the shuttle doesn’t mean he has any interest in observing your day to day activities or watching you through your window at Brookdale! He probably just thinks you are a cutie and want to take you to Starbucks for coffee! In fact, it’s the guys in the library that just stare at you, but don’t say anything that you should be worried about! Those are the guys that are going on Facebook when they get back to their room and are going to poke you!

3) Fear of disturbing the meidel – This is the silliest excuse for a guy not to approach a girl, especially on YU campus! There is only one reason why a young, single, frum girl goes to Washington Heights and that’s to find a nice YU buchur to build a bayis ne’eman with! Any other reason you might hear is just nonsensical! Many girls say they come up to go to ‘study’ in the YU library! Well, what about your library? What about Starbucks? What about the lounge in your dorm? What about your dorm room? The Sefarim Sale is another great excuse for a meidel to come uptown. There are quite a few Judaic stores in midtown where they can purchase sefarim, Shweky CDs, or other shtark paraphernalia all year round! The Purim chagigah/yom ha’atmaut festivities are another time meidels trek to the heights! Don’t kid yourself; the Sternies aren’t coming for the stale YU cookies, soda, or to dance. Most of their time is spent in front of Rubin Hall waiting for the buchrim to come outside! Bottom line: When you see a girl on YU campus, if she isn’t there to see her boy friend, she is there to find one! No other reason holds water!

Don’t kid yourself! It’s very challenging for a buchur to go up to a girl he has never met before and make conversation with her, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and say “Just Do It.” One evening I was on the 4th floor of the YU library and was talking to a friend of mine. As we are speaking I spotted a meidel coming towards me with a pile of books in her arms and head phones. As she rushes by me to look for a seat, she dropped her head phones. Like a good buchur I picked them up, hand them to her, and notice that she is a cutie! [There are times in your life when you surprise yourself…this was one of those times!] I turned to my friend and wrapped up our discussion then proceeded to walk around the floor looking for where this cutie ran off to. Then I spotted her! She was in the back corner of the library with an open desk next to her! Without hesitating I walked over and sat down next to her. [Until this point anyone can do what I did. I really just followed her and sat down next to her, but what happened next took some luck, some wit, and some guts.] I got lucky when she asked me if I could watch her textbook while she stepped out for a minute. I was witty when she came back, thanked me, and I said “I don’t think anyone is going to steal your organic chemistry book.” The guts came into play after we spoke for an hour and I asked her for her number. And I got lucky again when she gave it to me! I’m not sure if there is a YU hall of fame, but if there is, I will surely be enshrined there! I will be inducted as one of the few buchrim, who went to the YU library, saw a cutie, and asked her for her number! Although we didn’t build a bayis ne’eman together, this incident gave me confidence and hope! It gave me the confidence to know that it’s possible for an ordinary buchur to approach a meidel and ask her out (it doesn’t just take place in the movies)! And it gave me the hope to know that one day, in the not to distant future, guys and girls can ask one another out and not be labeled “sketchy stalkers!”

10 Reasons Why Guys Won’t Date You

A couple months ago I wrote a piece entitled “10 reasons why stern girls won’t date me.” Since then many girls have approached me and told me that guys were also incredibly ridiculous when it came to dating. Being a guy myself, I found it hard to believe that buchrim could be irrational. This all changed a couple months ago at a shabbos meal by my friend’s apartment. As the meal progressed, the conversation naturally began to move towards the shidduch scene. As I sat there taking in the conversation I listened as the buchrim described in detail what they want in a meidel. One buchur spoke up and said “I will not date so and so because her tooth is crooked.” Another buchur spoke up and said “She is an awesome girl, but there is no way I would date her…she’s from Brooklyn!” Someone at the end of the table chimed in and said “I would NEVER date a Brovender’s girl!” And then it hit me! Guys are really just as absurd as meidels when it comes to going on a date! Due to my new enlighten view of the shidduch crisis; I decided it was only fair to list 10 frequently used reasons why buchrim reject meidels…and my analysis.

1) “I’m not into the look” – Attraction is very important! I want to make that clear before I give buchrim a hard dose of reality! If there is no element of attraction, than you should not go out with the person! Period! End of Story! It seems like only recently that people have developed this notion that “looks will grow on you.” This is nonsensical. Would you purchase a painting you find hideous with the hope that over time you will come to like it? Of course not! Obviously, I am not equating a bas yisroel to a painting because there are many more aspects to a person than just appearance, however, why would you date a girl with the hope that one day you might be attracted to her? It’s just irrational! That being said I think guys need to be realistic. YOU’RE NOT BRAD PITT! In fact, you are probably far from it! Before you go around listing exact physical specifications of what you are looking for in a girl, take a look in the mirror! If you have a pop belly, acne, and constantly look disheveled, then maybe you should be a little less rigid on your physical requirements for your bashert (you may also want to consider getting a gym membership)!

2) “I won’t go out with a girl from that seminary” – Believe it or not there are guys that go to KBY that smoke weed and go clubbing, just like there are those in Michlala that enjoy those same types of activities! Yes, you read that correctly! There are naughty people in every school, just like every school has their share of quality people. The spectrum of people in each yeshiva/seminary varies widely and you shouldn’t use a school to label the person! Another red flag for buchrim is often that a girl didn’t go to Israel at all! Just because a meidel doesn’t go to Israel for a year doesn’t mean she is a shixa! In fact, there is a good chance that she is less phony than girls that do spend a year in Israel getting brainwashed…oops, I meant learning!

3) “She went to Stern” – I heard this from both YU buchrim and people at secular college. They say girls are just in Stern to get their “MRS” instead of an actual degree. First of all, Stern has a rigorous dual curriculum that can’t be matched by any other university. Secondly, just like seminaries have a wide range of students, so does Stern. There are pre-med girls, pre-law girls, and girls pursuing one of the fields of therapy, as well as meidels that are just looking to get married. There are many options out there. Thirdly, since when did it become a bad thing for a girl to want to get married and be a good wife? That’s a pretty noble goal! It’s better then marrying a high powered corporate attorney who you’ll never see or speak to!

4) “She is comfortable with guys” - Several times I’ve tried setting up a buchur with fine bas yisroel and I got this response as a reason why they won’t take the girl out! Thinking that they might assume that they aren’t frum I proceeded to clarify that they literally are just comfortable talking to the opposite gender and don’t indulge in any hanky panky! The buchur clarified and said “I don’t care if there is no hanky panky, I don’t want a girl that is comfortable in the presence of guys because I am not comfortable with girls!” Are you kidding me? Most guys overcome the fear of talking to girls at some point in high school, but since you seem to be a bit slow in this area you are looking to find a girl that is equally socially retarded as you are?!?!? That’s absurd! If anything you should look for a girl that is comfortable in social situations so she can help you overcome your social issues!

5) “I refuse to go out with a girl that is majoring in one of the therapies” – I had a friend who is a big shot financier say these words to me. I don’t really understand the logic behind this. From what I understand, pursuing a career in one of the therapies can pay well and is also very flexible, which is quite suitable to someone who wants to raise a family. However, the most important issue as to why going into one of the therapies is a wise career decision is the fact that it’s not cyclical like other industries. There will always be people that need physical therapy because of some type of injury! Regardless of the economic conditions there will always be people with speech impediments! Despite the freeze in the banking sector, there will always be children with hand writing problems that an occupational therapist can fix. As I write this, I’m sure there a plenty hot shot lawyers, financiers, accountants, and businessmen who are reconsidering their career path!

6) “Won’t go out with someone unless her father must makes more than 400k a year” – Yup, someone actually said that to me! Not sure how the material success of a girl’s father is relevant to the compatibility of two individuals for the sake of marriage, but there are some real freaks out there! I can only imagine how tricky it is to try to obtain this information!

You: “Mr. Goldstein, you daughter is very nice, very, pretty, and is exactly what I am looking for in a girl.”
Mr. Goldstein: “Great, I’m glad you think so highly of her!”
You: “Yeah, so I’d like to take her out, but there is just one more thing I need from you.”
Mr. Goldstein: “Sure, you seem like a nice young man! What can I tell you?”
You: “Well, I’d like a copy of your financial statements for the last 10 years and also a copy of your most recent tax filing. Also, if you don’t mind I’d like to get cash flow projections and various other financial and tax information. Do you mind if I speak to your financial advisor and accountant or do you think you can just fax that over to me by noon?”

As you can imagine, I bet things will get super awkward from this point forward. Ladies, it’s one thing for someone to ask what shul you go to, if you’re a good cook, and for a picture of you, but once someone starts inquiring about your families personal finances…I would run in the other direction!

7) “I have my eye on someone else” – Wow, sounds like you are really in the middle of something intense! Wouldn’t want to break up something so serious! You fool! When someone has a quality girl to set you up with, unless you are in the middle of a relationship, you should go for it! What is this nonsense about having your eye on someone? Saying that you have your eye on someone just means that you spotted someone that you thought was cute, but don’t have the guts to bust in there and ask her out! Since you lack the confidence to ask someone out, I would suggest taking people up on their offers when they have a good girl for you!

8) I don’t date NY girls”– This is a very common phrase I hear amongst guys. Let’s face it, NYers are quite intense and out of towners are generally just much sweeter human beings! However, the fact of the matter is, there are sweet girls in NY…I’ve actually met some! Despite the reputation that NY girls have earned for themselves, one shouldn’t write off a potential date just because their family resides in NY. Believe it or not there are quality girls in NY…even in Brooklyn/Long Island…they are just harder to find!

9) “Her mother is fat” – Let me address this one by illustrating the following scenario: Let’ fast forward two decades from now. You’ve just spent the last 20 years of your life working long hours trying to put your kids through modern orthodox schools. Your spare time is spent dragging your kids from basketball practice, to SAT classes, to piano lessons, etc. After years and years of working and schlepping will you still be able to maintain your chiseled abs? Will you be able to maintain your healthy eating habits on the road and under the extreme stress of providing for your family? Will you be able to maintain your athletic underwear model figure? If you answered no to any of these questions, or if you lack that type of superior physique now, then maybe you should stop being so critical of other people’s mothers!

10) “I don’t want to go out on a blind date…I want to meet someone in a natural setting.” – Well isn’t that lovely! Don’t we all want that perfect Hollywood love story! We meet at a friend’s birthday party, its love at first site, the person fulfills all our dreams and desires, and then we ride off into the sunset and build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel together! NOW WELCOME BACK TO REALITY! This isn’t the movies! Most of us don’t have our bashert just fall into our lap like that! Anything in life that is worthwhile takes effort, sweat and tears! If you are “in the parsha” than you should be trying all different methods of finding your bashert (blind dates, asking people out yourself, online sites, getting friends to set you up, etc.). It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I watch one of those chick flicks, but you have to keep in mind…it’s just a movie! As long as you are doing your part in this shidduch game, then we can always hope that we will find someone in a Hollywood manner, but in the meantime there is a very good chance that we will meet our own price/princess on a shidduch date!

To all the buchrim out there: You need to make sure that what you’re looking for in a shidduch is realistic based on what you have to offer. Believe it or not, despite what you’d like to think about yourselves, you have faults too! Before you expect the most beautiful MMY girls, whose fathers’ make over 400k a year to fall for you, ask yourself “what do I have to offer in return?” What do you have to offer that will make a girl want to look past your pop belly, poor social skills, subpar hygiene, and lack of drive? For example: Seal married Heidi Klum. Heidi is one of the most beautiful meidels in the world, and Seal happens to be an objectively ugly individual! However, Seal has the voice of an angel! If he sang to me, I might even consider dating him! Seal had something to offer that earned him Heidi’s hand in marriage because she was able to look past his ugly exterior and into his neshama. As we all work hard to find our respective basherts, it is imperative that we remain true to ourselves, and constantly work to refine our character, neshama, and physique before we’ve earned the right to critique others!





[Note: I'd like to thank Penina and Usher for their various insights to this post. May you both be zoche to find your respective basherts in the near term.]