The Fall of the Michlala girl and the Rise of the Band Geek

"I work at the YU Seforim Sale because I’m an incredibly well rounded and open minded individual and I relish the opportunity to meet and converse with a variety of different people that come to the sale…Especially the cute Michlala girls!" The Yeshiva University Commentator quoted me as saying those words in response to the question: “What is your favorite part about working at the Seforim Sale?” For some reason, while I was a student at YU, I had a phase where I was absolutely mesmerized by Michlala girls. I don’t know if it was the ultra-tznius way that they dress or the mystique that they possess by only coming out of hiding for “shtark” events such as the Seforim Sale or the Yom Ha’atzmaut chaggiga. Either way, during my senior year at YU, I knew for a fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a meidel that attended Michlala! After about 6 months, many dates, and several Michlala girls later, my obsession finally subsided and I began to question what lead me to develop such an interest in these girls. Furthermore, I wondered, in this day and age, what leads young men and women to develop such a strong fixation with any individual? I’ve come to realize that there are two competing influences that affect our decisions and perception when looking for an ideal mate: Secular culture vs. Religious culture.

Secular culture: A casual walk through Times Square, watching a few minutes of television, or a drive down any highway and we are bombarded with billboards or commercials of scantily clad men and women, prancing around in underwear with their chiseled abs and skin that is airbrushed to perfection. All these things blur reality and try to lead us to believe that if we attain that appearance or find a spouse that has, then we have found the love of our life! Let’s face the facts! Very few people will actually attain this level of beauty naturally. Odds are you won’t end up with one of them (Sorry, bro!)! Additionally, with the proper amount of makeup and the right lighting, you can make almost anyone look like a hottie! The images of people we are seeing are after hours of cropping and editing! Given all that we are exposed to via television and advertisements, one would come to believe that the ultimate soul mate is one that has attained extreme beauty!

Religious culture: On the other side of the coin, and the one that I believe influenced my obsession with Michlala girls, are our religious leaders pushing other criteria when trying to find our mate. While studying in Israel for the year, the Rebbeim constantly pushed us to focus on ruchneeus (spirituality) rather than gashmeeus (materialism). Once we came back from Israel and entered the shidduch world, the simple idea of focusing on one’s neshama, and not only their physical appearance, somehow mutated into a list of exact and absurd specifications that are required before a first date. Some of which, but certainly not all include: 1) Does the meidel wear open toed shoes? 2) Does the buchur’s mother cover her hair? 3) Does the meidel have the AUDACITY to wear a seatbelt in the car? 4) Does the buchur have a list of multiple references that can confirm his daily Torah learning? 5) Does the meidel stack plates at the Shabbos table? 6) What does the buchur’s mother wear to sleep (that is a real question that I saw while skimming through the shidduch literature at this year’s Sefarim Sale)? This school of thought has led people to believe that the most important factor in finding one’s bashert is the individual’s religious observance.

One might think that the logical conclusion to this conflict of ideologies should be somewhere in the middle, which is paying attention to an individuals looks, as well as their religious observance. While this idea may be true, I think that there is a very important factor that we tend to leave out. The real question and the first one we should all be asking ourselves before we start dating is: “Who am I?” Once we understand who we are, we can understand what type of person we are looking to spend the rest of our lives with. It may not only be about attractiveness or religious level, rather it is about knowing who will make us happy! To help me illustrate my point I’d like to reference the highly acclaimed American Pie films. It was in these movies where I heard one of the most profound ideas about finding your soul mate. Throughout the first film, the main character, Jim, wants to date a pretty foreign girl named Nadia. Unable to get a date with her to the prom, he gets a nerdy girl who goes to band camp to attend the prom with him and they have a very enjoyable time together. In American Pie 2, Jim has built a friendship with the band geek and she is constantly shown giving Jim advice on how to develop a relationship with Nadia. Towards the end of the film, Jim is finally alone with Nadia and he finally has the opportunity to consummate their status as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, all of a sudden, Jim begins to leave. This is the dialogue:

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim’s final statement may be overlooked throughout the course of the movie, but it is quite profound in nature. He finally realized who he was as a person, which was a band geek, and that’s the type of person he will be most happy with. After years pursuing one specific girl, he came to the realization that she is not what he is looking for in a shidduch despite her beauty and neshama. Although American Pie is just a movie, I think the point that we gain from this dialogue is quite clear. So often we spend our lives pursuing a person that we are led to believe is “perfect” in either physical appearance or in religious observance. In my case it was a Michlala girl, in Jim’s case it was Nadia, and in your case it’s _________________. Even though there are many factors that are important in the hunt for your bashert, the most important elements to marriage are that you enjoy spending time with the person, they make you laugh, and they like you for who you are. These traits won’t fade over time like looks and they won’t waver over the course of your life like religious observance. As we approach Pesach and search for chameitz (sorry, I had to tie it into Pesach somehow), we should try to internalize this message and search within ourselves for who we are and what we are REALLY looking for in a shidduch. My bracha to everyone reading this is that we will all be zoche to find our very own “band geek” in the near future!


Chag Kasher ve-Sameach!