Buchrim Gone Wild!

Several weeks ago, my Chief Shidduch Advisor, Shaindel, suggested that I go to a speed dating event with her. I said “No way…not my thing!” After much persistence, I finally caved and decided to tag a long because there is always that possibility that my bashert could be in attendance. So off we went to speed date! We walked into the building, signed up, and received our name tags. Having never attended a speed dating event before I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the set up was pretty much as I imagined it would be. There were several long tables with chairs on both sides. The meidels sat on one side, while the buchrim sat on the other. Every 90 seconds the shaddchan would blow her whistle and the buchrim would slide over a seat to meet the next highly eligible meidel. After everyone met each other via speed dating, there was dinner and time to mingle. As the mingling took place I got to meet/observe some of the other buchrim at the event. Some guys were well groomed, polished, and dressed to impress. While the overwhelming majority of others looked like they rolled out of bed 5 seconds ago! It looked as though many guys put absolutely NO EFFORT into their appearance! I began to contemplate why anyone would walk out of their house looking like such a shlamazel, ESPECIALLY when you are attending an event where you are “interviewing” to find your bashert! Most things in life we have no control over, however, there are plenty of things that are under our power to change or perfect. The following are three observations I made that night that could easily be corrected by the male attendees, assuming they put in some time and effort.

Teeth – Some guys at the event had teeth that were truly frightening! Just to clarify: When I say “bad teeth” I am not talking about bad breath, which is quite understandable. Someone might have had an onion and garlic sandwich prior to the event, washed it down with a glass of borscht, and forgot to brush their teeth. These things happen! When I say bad teeth, I’m talking about teeth that are mamish crooked and pointing in every direction, but straight. In addition to the crooked factor, they were also super yellow. Now, several decades ago if your teeth came out crooked and yellow you were stuck with them! However, nowadays it is INEXCUSABLE to have teeth that are so horrid! This is the 21st century and there is this great invention called braces! Everyone who is anyone has had braces! If you didn’t need braces, than good for you! If you did need braces, and you got them, then you are part of the majority. However, if you’re teeth are as horrible as I described, and you still haven’t gotten them…you really need to get your act together! Now let’s address the yellowness factor. Getting your teeth whitened by a dentist can be pricey and is often not covered by insurance. Therefore, I recommend two things 1) whitening tooth pastes and 2) Crest whitening strips. Maybe your teeth won’t be milk white, but at least you will be in better shape then when you started! Most people don’t have teeth that are anything to write home about, but straightening them and cleaning them are the mere basics! Bad teeth are a major turn off. Unless you plan on doing your shidduch dating in England, which is the only country that seems to have a strong appreciation for poor dental hygiene, then I would get on top of this issue immediately!

Fashion – I, along with many men, HATE shopping and know little about clothing. If I never had to step foot in a mall again, I will be a very happy bachur! That being said, I still know that when I go on a job interview, a shidduch date, or out to dinner with friends, I need to look presentable! Too come to a speed dating event in a shirt that is wrinkled and looks like you rolled around in a puddle of mud before you arrived is really just offensive! It indicates that you really don’t have any respect for yourself or the person you are meeting. Listen, I’d love to walk around in my PJs all day, but the fact of the matter is its not respectful and it would reflect extremely poorly on me! Speaking of reflecting poorly, let’s mention a few other observations I made regarding clothing that are big no-no’s: Buttoning the top button on your dress shirt without wearing a tie looks absolutely ridiculous! Wearing a pocket protector and walking around with a pad of paper and a pen will ensure that you are labeled as a nerd (if that’s the look you’re going for), but buttoning your top button is just over the top! I don’t think that was EVER considered a stylish way to dress! Wearing pants that fit are also highly desirable amongst meidels! Pants that are too baggy look ridiculous! You are not in the hood, so don’t dress like a gangsta! Pants that are too tight might lead people to think that you are at the wrong type of event; unless of course you are European…then you might be able to get away with it! Pants that fit are important. Let’s talk about socks! Wearing black pants, black shoes and white socks just won’t fly. If you are looking to experiment with the chassidish look, then a speed dating event is not the time or place for it. All in all, you should look presentable, and not like a shlump. No one is asking you to wear the finest designer clothing, but to wear a clean shirt, matching clothes, and pants that fit should not be too much to handle!

Schmoozing Ability – Some buchrim are born with the innate ability to schmooze with anyone and have a way with the ladies. If you are not one of these people, don’t feel bad! Most people are not like this! However, there are certain social norms that are expected from all people, regardless of how awful their social skills might be. One thing that I constantly saw reoccurring was the following: A meidel is having a discussion with several people and a random guy gets into the girls face and starts trying to hock with her. Note: It is not socially acceptable to get up in a meidels face when she is in the middle of a discussion in an effort to have your own separate conversation with her! This is rude, annoying, and not a turn on. Being aggressive is admirable, but interrupting someone’s discussion is not. Speaking of discussions let’s talk about having a conversation. The typical conversation amongst individuals generally has a lot of give and take. One person will say something like “Hi, I’m Yitzy.” And the person being spoken to will respond, by saying “My name is, Frumie!” To which Yitzy should respond by saying anything from how nice the weather is, making a witty remark, asking a follow up question, etc. At the event, there were even pieces of paper given to the speed daters of questions you can ask in case you get stuck! What frequently happened was a buchur would approach a meidel and this is how the encounter would take place:

Yitzy: Hi!
Frumie: Hi!
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: I’m Frumie…
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: What do you do for fun?
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: Uhhh…Nothing…
Frumie: Oh, OK. I like ice cream.
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: [Gives Frumie a sociopathic smile, but doesn’t utter a word]
Frumie: OK, I’m going to go walk over there now. Nice meeting you.

END OF COVERSATION

Having a conversation is a two way street! It’s not enough to just start a conversation by saying “hi.” There needs to be some back and forth! Conversing with someone is not the same as turning on the TV or going to a shiur and just listening. Step up, and keep the conversation going. Rule of thumb: If you ever get stuck you can always discuss the weather, what the person does for a living, or their favorite sefer. It can sometimes be nerve racking talking to a meidel and this is quite understandable. However, there is really no excuse for being rude! If someone is having a discussion, leave them alone until they have finished. If you are initiating a discussion, then it is important that you fully PARTICIPATE in the discussion! It is not the meidels job to entertain you!

In life, despite what we want to believe, there are only so many factors that we can control. We can not control are genetic make up, our intelligence, or external factors that effect our everyday life. We can’t make an employer want to hire us, a person like us, or get an individual to want to date us. In a world where we really have the power over so little, why not try to refine and perfect the areas where we do have some control? Although none of us are blessed with flawless physical features, we should still do our part to make the best of what we have. Whether that means regular dentist visits, brushing our hair, wearing a clean and ironed shirt, showering, going to the gym regularly, or even asking the salesman at the mall what the latest trends and styles are! Also, many people get a bit awkward when they talk to the opposite gender, especially if it’s someone that piques their interest, however, everyone can at least ATTEMPT at having a normal conversation! It’s very easy to sit back and wait for things to come to you. It’s also easy to let yourself go and to convince yourself that there is no way for you to improve certain character traits or features. Whenever you are in a funk and think these thoughts just tell yourself this: “My time is now.” Your time is now to refine yourself. Your time is now to change any unwanted mannerisms. The time to make all adjustments is now while you are still young because before you know it, you will blink, and you will be the same person with crooked yellow teeth, wearing wrinkled dirty shirts to speed dating events, and interrupting peoples conversations, as you were as an awkward 20 something year old looking for his/her bashert!

Your time is now…

The Fall of the Michlala girl and the Rise of the Band Geek

"I work at the YU Seforim Sale because I’m an incredibly well rounded and open minded individual and I relish the opportunity to meet and converse with a variety of different people that come to the sale…Especially the cute Michlala girls!" The Yeshiva University Commentator quoted me as saying those words in response to the question: “What is your favorite part about working at the Seforim Sale?” For some reason, while I was a student at YU, I had a phase where I was absolutely mesmerized by Michlala girls. I don’t know if it was the ultra-tznius way that they dress or the mystique that they possess by only coming out of hiding for “shtark” events such as the Seforim Sale or the Yom Ha’atzmaut chaggiga. Either way, during my senior year at YU, I knew for a fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a meidel that attended Michlala! After about 6 months, many dates, and several Michlala girls later, my obsession finally subsided and I began to question what lead me to develop such an interest in these girls. Furthermore, I wondered, in this day and age, what leads young men and women to develop such a strong fixation with any individual? I’ve come to realize that there are two competing influences that affect our decisions and perception when looking for an ideal mate: Secular culture vs. Religious culture.

Secular culture: A casual walk through Times Square, watching a few minutes of television, or a drive down any highway and we are bombarded with billboards or commercials of scantily clad men and women, prancing around in underwear with their chiseled abs and skin that is airbrushed to perfection. All these things blur reality and try to lead us to believe that if we attain that appearance or find a spouse that has, then we have found the love of our life! Let’s face the facts! Very few people will actually attain this level of beauty naturally. Odds are you won’t end up with one of them (Sorry, bro!)! Additionally, with the proper amount of makeup and the right lighting, you can make almost anyone look like a hottie! The images of people we are seeing are after hours of cropping and editing! Given all that we are exposed to via television and advertisements, one would come to believe that the ultimate soul mate is one that has attained extreme beauty!

Religious culture: On the other side of the coin, and the one that I believe influenced my obsession with Michlala girls, are our religious leaders pushing other criteria when trying to find our mate. While studying in Israel for the year, the Rebbeim constantly pushed us to focus on ruchneeus (spirituality) rather than gashmeeus (materialism). Once we came back from Israel and entered the shidduch world, the simple idea of focusing on one’s neshama, and not only their physical appearance, somehow mutated into a list of exact and absurd specifications that are required before a first date. Some of which, but certainly not all include: 1) Does the meidel wear open toed shoes? 2) Does the buchur’s mother cover her hair? 3) Does the meidel have the AUDACITY to wear a seatbelt in the car? 4) Does the buchur have a list of multiple references that can confirm his daily Torah learning? 5) Does the meidel stack plates at the Shabbos table? 6) What does the buchur’s mother wear to sleep (that is a real question that I saw while skimming through the shidduch literature at this year’s Sefarim Sale)? This school of thought has led people to believe that the most important factor in finding one’s bashert is the individual’s religious observance.

One might think that the logical conclusion to this conflict of ideologies should be somewhere in the middle, which is paying attention to an individuals looks, as well as their religious observance. While this idea may be true, I think that there is a very important factor that we tend to leave out. The real question and the first one we should all be asking ourselves before we start dating is: “Who am I?” Once we understand who we are, we can understand what type of person we are looking to spend the rest of our lives with. It may not only be about attractiveness or religious level, rather it is about knowing who will make us happy! To help me illustrate my point I’d like to reference the highly acclaimed American Pie films. It was in these movies where I heard one of the most profound ideas about finding your soul mate. Throughout the first film, the main character, Jim, wants to date a pretty foreign girl named Nadia. Unable to get a date with her to the prom, he gets a nerdy girl who goes to band camp to attend the prom with him and they have a very enjoyable time together. In American Pie 2, Jim has built a friendship with the band geek and she is constantly shown giving Jim advice on how to develop a relationship with Nadia. Towards the end of the film, Jim is finally alone with Nadia and he finally has the opportunity to consummate their status as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, all of a sudden, Jim begins to leave. This is the dialogue:

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You... you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim’s final statement may be overlooked throughout the course of the movie, but it is quite profound in nature. He finally realized who he was as a person, which was a band geek, and that’s the type of person he will be most happy with. After years pursuing one specific girl, he came to the realization that she is not what he is looking for in a shidduch despite her beauty and neshama. Although American Pie is just a movie, I think the point that we gain from this dialogue is quite clear. So often we spend our lives pursuing a person that we are led to believe is “perfect” in either physical appearance or in religious observance. In my case it was a Michlala girl, in Jim’s case it was Nadia, and in your case it’s _________________. Even though there are many factors that are important in the hunt for your bashert, the most important elements to marriage are that you enjoy spending time with the person, they make you laugh, and they like you for who you are. These traits won’t fade over time like looks and they won’t waver over the course of your life like religious observance. As we approach Pesach and search for chameitz (sorry, I had to tie it into Pesach somehow), we should try to internalize this message and search within ourselves for who we are and what we are REALLY looking for in a shidduch. My bracha to everyone reading this is that we will all be zoche to find our very own “band geek” in the near future!


Chag Kasher ve-Sameach!