The Setup

(This post was originally written on 8/24/2009)

I am very appreciative when someone contacts me to set me up with an eligible meidel. As someone who wasn’t fortunate enough to find his bashert on his first date or in elementary school, I am very grateful when someone takes the time to think of me in this regard. However, sometimes you get those suggestions that are so out of whack, and so not practical that it makes you wonder “Is this person for real?” Just the other day I got one of these off the wall suggestion and it got me thinking that there are really 4 basic categories of compatibility that shaddchanim should keep in mind before setting up two people: 1) Geographic location, 2) Physical compatibility, 3) Age range, and 4) Religious level.

Geographic location: I was called a couple months ago by a friend. She went on and on describing how wonderful a particular meidel is. She mentioned several times how this girl might be the one and she had a really good feeling about it (Note: She never actually met this girl). After her pitch I said:

Me: “Sounds great! Where is she from?”
Shaddchan: “She’s from Montreal.”
Me: “Okay, I like Canadians! Where does she live now?
Shaddchan: “Oh she still lives in Montreal. She works there.
Me: “Umm, does she have a trip planned to NY in the near term?”
Shaddchan: “No. She might come in at some point, but right now she is in Montreal.”

Listen, as much as I believe that my bashert can be anywhere in the world and hakadosh baruchoo will ultimately bring us together, trying to set 2 people up that live over 600 miles away from each other is a bit silly! If I met a girl from the other side of the globe and we really had a strong connection we will make things work out. But to think of a setup where two people live so far away from each other and neither individual plans on relocating in the near future is just ridiculous. This is not like driving from NJ to Long Island for a date where a bachur needs to battle rush hour traffic or maybe driving an hour and half from NYC to Philadelphia. It’s challenging enough to build a relationship with someone you just met, but having 600 miles separating two individuals put the odds very much against you in terms of this relationship actually working out!

Physically Compatible: Oh no….I’m bringing up looks! I’m obviously shallow and disgusting and don’t care about anything else. Incorrect! I am not shallow, I am not disgusting, and I’ll be the first to admit that physical attractiveness is just one of MANY components one should look for when searching for a suitable mate. Nevertheless, as much as people want to deny it, looks do matter and putting no thought into looks when setting people up is a disaster waiting to happen! As much as we would like to believe that a beautiful neshama can make up for all physical short comings, this is simply not the way the world works.

The other day a meidel I’m friends with contacted me to ask me about a specific guy that her mother’s friend wanted to set her up with. The meidel is tall, thin, and athletic and has a very active lifestyle. The bachur that she mentioned was the complete opposite. He was about 5 inches shorter then her, pleasantly plump (understatement), and the only time he physically exerted himself was when he went to the fridge get more salsa for his nachos! I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I told my friend what a quality bachur he was (which he is), but when she asked how he looked I said I’ll send you a few pictures and let you decide for yourself. After she saw the pictures, she wasn’t so much offended as she was confused. She said “My mother’s friend knows me quite well. She knows that I workout regularly and I’m active. Why would she set me up with someone who is the total opposite?”

After getting to know a specific individual you might begin to look past their physical appearance and realize that qualities such as personality and kindness will last much longer then their exterior. At the same time, such different physical appearance might also hint at different lifestyle issues and hobbies that shaddchanim should keep in mind before setting up two people just because they both have beautiful neshamas!

Age Range: When I was in elementary school and high school I used to be too cool to hang out with the younger grades, and not cool enough to hang out with the older kids. As time went by these separations between age groups blurred and I often find myself hanging out or dating people that are within 3 or 4 years of my age. Within this age range I find that you still have many things in common. You grew up with the same TV shows, experiencing the same world events, etc. However, once you step out of a certain age bracket you begin to lose a lot of the commonalities that help people build relationships.

Several months ago my friend calls me with a “great” suggestion.

Shaddchan: “I got a girl for you!”
Me: “Fabulous, tell me about her!”
Shaddchan: “Well she thinks you’re very funny, and she is very nice (Note: Whenever someone describes a potential date as being “very nice” you know there is trouble).
Me: “Okay. Can you tell me anything more descriptive?”
Shaddchan: “Well she is 34 years old….”
Me: “I’m 24…”
Shaddchan: “Well I thought it was a good idea anyway…”

The shaddchan did NOT think it was a “good idea!” He thought that there was the possibility that I’d say yes so it was worth asking me. If I met a meidel who had ten years on me and we hit it off then wonderful! But to suggest a random girl that is a decade older then me and think it’s a good idea is just foolish! It’s foolish because she won’t have nearly as much in common with me as someone her own age and we are at different stages of life. I am starting my career, she is well into it. She grew up with Cheers and MASH, and I grew up with 3rd Rock from the Sun and Dawson’s Creek! Her friends are discussing how crazy their children’s yeshiva bills are, and me and my friends are discussing who is dating who. As much as I believe that relationships such as Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are possible, they are usually not the best setup suggestions. Shaddchans should put in an effort to set people up who were born within the same decade before they even start considering other factors!

Religious Level: Religious observance tends to fluctuate over time. Many people start out at a certain level after Israel and then begin to slide as time goes on. Some people remain chareidi and will continue to build on their chareidiness. However, the overwhelming majority fall somewhere in the middle. I am a firm believer that people should try to be flexible (to an extent) on these issues, because there will never be anyone that is exactly 100% like us. At the same time, it is also VERY important to respect where people stand hashkafically and not to force a shidduch on your friend just because you “have a good feeling” about it. I used to try to setup my uber shtark friends with girls that associated with boys (i.e. go to coed meals with them on shabbos). They refused to date them and I thought it was silly. Then I realized that I don’t like when people suggest meidels to me that go clubbing, smooching, and grinding during their free time and I also can’t stand when friends want me to date meidels who’s only interest consist of going to shiurim and discussing their various chesed projects. If people are on completely different levels religiously, then setting these two people up is really just a disaster waiting to happen!

Although shidduch daters get a lot of heat for not being “open minded” enough in their pursuit for their bashert, I also believe that a fair amount of blame can be placed on the shoulders of shaddchanim who, at times, refuse to use even a small amount of seichel when trying to make a setup! It’s not good enough that you know of a guy and girl who are both single! There are a myriad of other variables that must be factored in! These 4 categories are a good place to begin to look in order to determine if two people would make sense together.

One step that shidduch daters MUST take after a bad setup or silly suggestion is being blunt and honest with the shaddchan as to why a particular individual is not for them. Some people feel bad about speaking negatively about a person that they really don’t know, but the fact of the matter is it needs to be done! If you aren’t going to step up and let people know what you want then you will just continue to get the same type of silly suggestions that you have always been receiving. If the shaddchan responds to your critique of her suggestion angrily and calls you “not flexible”, “shallow”, or “not realistic” then you should stop doing business with this shaddchan immediately because they are clearly set in their ways and are just wasting your time!