Can’t Hardly Wait

As my El Al flight landed on the tarmac in JFK several years ago, the clock started ticking! At the time, I had no idea that there was a clock or that it started ticking, but as I entered YU I began to feel my time tick away! The clock I speak of is the “shidduch clock.” Many buchrim and meidels feel the pressure to get married once they get back from spending a year in Israel. They spend a year growing, reflecting, learning, and working on themselves and now the next logical step is to get married! Not only do people assume it is the next logical step, but many meidels make it their MISSION to get married or at least engaged by graduation! From the first day back in the U.S. it seems like the main focus for many people has become developing their shidduch resume by spending a summer at HASC, getting involved with Yachad, working at the Sefarim Sale, or finding any and every excuse to go up to the guys campus. Over the past few years, since my Shana Aleph, I began to wonder why there is so much pressure to get married so soon after Israel. Why are meidels so panicky if they are still not married by graduation? Also, is it really the worst thing in the world to be single for several years after college?

The panic generally starts to set in when a meidel’s first friend gets engaged. After Israel there are always 1 or 2 couples who have been dating throughout high school, make it through their year in Israel, and get engaged and married not too long after. These people have managed to locate someone that they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They have managed to acquire enough knowledge and learn enough about themselves within the past 19 or 20 years of their lives that has prepared them to get married, support a family, and to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel at such a young age! In many ways these people are very fortunate. However, finding your bashert right after Israel is definitely not the norm. With most of us, the days tick by and Sophomore year turns into Junior year, and Junior year turns into Senior year. Eventually, with graduation in sight, many girls come to the realization that they will be unsuccessful in obtaining the coveted MRS degree while at Stern and will be spending the first year out of school living on their own in either Washington Heights or the Upper West Side!

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the biggest tragedy in the world to not be married by graduation or to move to one of the single communities on the upper west side of Manhattan! In fact, it can be viewed as a tremendous gift to have a few years during college and a few years afterwards to work on yourself, develop your character, and figure out what you want in life. It’s the perfect time to determine what type of career path you’d like to pursue and a great opportunity to become more independent by living on your own. Additionally, it’s really the only few years where you will have “you time.” It’s a time to be somewhat selfish. Your time is spent thinking about yourself, your future, and you don’t have a spouse or children to worry about. Granted everyone has responsibilities to their friends and family, but if you decide to pick up and go across the country on a school sponsored trip, you can! If you want to take 10 friends and go skiing in Utah, nothing is stopping you! If you want to see a 12am weekday showing of a movie, you can do it without feeling too irresponsible. It seems like these years of opportunity are viewed as a tremendous burden. Many people spend their single years worrying about finding someone to marry, rather than actually taking advantage of this time and celebrating their youth and freedom! Plenty individuals go from event to event hoping to find that special someone, rather than going through life appreciating what they already have!

The other day a buchur reached out to me regarding his frustration with the shidduch crisis and his inability to find his bashert. He asked for my advice and any suggestions I may have. After addressing some of his more specific issues, I said “…the best advice I can give you is to try every approach. Go on YUConnects, ask people out directly, go to the YU/Stern events, go on Shabbatons, tell friends to set you up. Everything and anything can work and not work. Very often in life things come to us when we least expect it and as long as you are doing your part and putting in an effort, than God takes care of the rest. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, there is only so much in life we have control over. The only things we do have control over are our actions and how we react to any given situation that is put before us. Assuming you are putting in an honest effort to find your bashert, then you are doing all the right things. You just need to wait for God to let you know when it's the right time.” In the meantime, just try to enjoy and get the most out of life!

As I write about this topic I remember my flight back from England to Israel several years ago. After a several hour delay, I finally landed at Ben Gurion airport on no sleep at about 4:00 in the morning. As the pilot was rushing through his final messages over the intercom reminding us to gather all our belongings, not to get up until the plane has come to a complete stop, and thanking us for flying Isra-air, he said the following “…and just remember one thing ladies and gentleman: You can stay single and be lonely the rest of your life, or get married and wish you were dead! Thanks and have a great day!” To this day I am not exactly sure why he made that comment. One can only imagine what types of problems he was having at home, but it struck me as a very interesting remark. The fact of the matter is the shidduch search can be a very lonely road at times, everybody who has ever been single knows that. However, we shouldn’t forget the last part of the pilot’s statement! Although we think that marriage is some type of nirvana, it is full of many challenges. The years in college and post college that lead up to marriage are the time that prepares us for this new chapter of our lives and we shouldn’t waste it wishing things were different! We shouldn’t take for granted our singlehood!

My Shidduch Advisor, Usher, once said: The word MAZAL is comprised of 3 letters that stand for three things:

Mem = Makom (place)
Zion = Zman (time)
Lamed = Lev (heart)

In order to have MAZAL in any situation, in particular with the shidduch hunt, you need to have these 3 components working for you. You need to be in the right place, it must be the right time, and you must pursue it with all your heart. Regardless of where you are in life, whether you are about to graduate college, you’re finishing graduate school, or you’re entering another year on the Upper West Side or Washington Heights, if you are still single, than keep the following things in mind:

1) You will get married! Stop panicking!
2) You are not alone in your loneliness on your quest to find your bashert!
3) You are very fortunate to have these years of singlehood and will miss them a great deal once you’re married. Don’t waste them!
4) In the end you can only do so much, and then God takes care of the rest!

Good Luck and God bless!