10 Things One Should NOT Do on a First Date!

I consider myself to be a very lucky and blessed individual! I have my health and a loving mishpacha! I’ve obtained a degree from one of the finest Universities in the world (i.e. YU) and I have a network of business colleagues that spans the globe. I posses a six pack that would make Brad Pitt jealous (only a slight exaggeration) and the type of winning personality that would make Tony Robbins shepp nachas! Despite all the innate ability that hakadosh baruchoo has blessed me with, one of the main reasons I consider myself to be such a fortunate buchur is the fact that I have never been on a bad date! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken out plenty of meidels who weren’t my type, my look, and bored the heck out of me, but I can not classify any of my dates as being a real fiasco (bli ayin harah, knock on wood, poo poo poo)! Throughout the past several years, as my friends and I have started dating, I have heard some real dating horror stories! I’ve heard tales of shidduch dates that made my stomach turn and made me want to throw in the towel on the whole shidduch dating process. After several years on the dating front I have decided to outline some of the more basic things that one should refrain from doing on a date. Granted, I’m sure there are plenty of wild stories of one party doing or saying something completely outlandish and out of line, but here are 10 of the more commonly practiced habits that one should refrain doing on a first date.

1) Do NOT ask how much money a guy makes: Generally most first dates consist of schmoozing and determining if the two parties have the same goals, interests, and desires. You might be wondering to yourself “How does the issue of annual salary come up on the first date?” Well the answer, as my friend told me, is this:

Meidel: I just interviewed for a teaching job!
Buchur: Great!
Meidel: I asked to be paid 75k starting salary!
Buchur: Oh, wow! That’s great money!
Meidel: Well, how much money do you make? (In a highly condescending voice)

There wasn’t really much tact to the meidels approach. She pretty much laid it all out on the table! Listen, once you are far enough in a relationship, money DOES become a factor because the meidel needs to know if this bachur can support the lifestyle she is accustomed to (i.e. Succos at the Citadel in Israel, Pesach at the Biltmore in Arizona, etc.). However, asking someone how much money they make on a first date is classless, silly, rude, dumb and will pretty much GARUNTEE that there will be no second date! Meidels, do yourself a favor and stick to the basic shylas (where you went to Israel, what’s your favorite sefer, etc.) and hold off on this extremely personal topic until things become a bit more serious!

2) Do NOT talk about previous girl friends/boy friends on the date: “I’m not interested” – That’s generally what people tell me when they have a date who talks non stop about there previous boy friend or girl friend. There will come a point in a relationship when two parties will want to talk (i.e. speak lashon harah) about the previous people they have dated. However, don’t open up to someone about your previous relationships on a first date because: 1) That indicates that you are still emotionally attached to your ex and 2) People are not interested in starting a relationship with someone who has tons of baggage. If you find yourself still talking about your ex non stop, then maybe you need to wait a little while before you jump back into the dating scene!

3) Do NOT order everything on the menu: What may seem logical and basic social etiquette to most meidels is sometimes incomprehensible to others! The buchur you are going on a first date with is not your Daddy! He is taking you out in order to determine if you guys are compatible. He is NOT taking you out for an all you all you can order eat-a-thon because he feels an innate desire to shower you with money. That is why you have your Daddy’s credit card! When a meidel goes out with a buchur and orders several appetizers, a main course, a soft drink, a bottle of wine, and multiple desserts, without the buchur explicitly telling her to do so; she shows a complete lack of class and no sensitivity to a buchur’s financial situation. Contrary to the way these types of meidels are brought up, money does not grow on trees. Money must be earned with hard work and is accumulated over time. Meidels should be cognizant of this before taking it upon themselves to order enough food to feed all the inhabitants of a small country!

4) Do NOT eat with your hands: Ever since most of us were little children, our parents’ would constantly tell us “Do not eat with your hands!” Generally, we grow out of this method of feeding ourselves by the time we reach the tender age of 10. While it may be cute to watch young kids messily shove food into their mouths without cutting it or using a fork, this same method of eating is no longer cute by the time one reaches their mid 20s. In fact it becomes quite nauseating! One meidel mentioned to me that a guy brought her to KD for a first date (first mistake), then proceeded to take his chicken cutlet in his hand and wave it around in the air as he was schmoozing with her, while occasionally taking a bite. If you take nothing else away from this post, at the very least take this: Buchrim, it is imperative to learn how to use utensils if you ever plan on eating in the presence of a meidel!

5) Do NOT bring index cards with a list of questions: For many, it’s often challenging to carry on a conversation, especially with people you never met before. For this reason, I’ve been told that many people may be tempted to carry notes or an index card with questions to ask while on a date. Too be perfectly frank: This is a shtickle pathetic! I can understand if you are not a hot shot salesman or networker who can approach and make conversation with everybody, but come on! At least try to be smooth (Note: Carrying index cards with questions to a first date is NOT smooth). Also, even though shidduch dating is pretty much an interview process, it’s also about building a relationship with the person. Sitting in Starbucks with a notebook filled with questions makes it challenging to develop any type of personal connection. As important as it is to know what the individuals mother wears to sleep at night, if her mother covers her hair, and if she stacks dishes at the shabbos table, it also might be worthwhile to shoot the breeze for a while and try to get a sense of your dates personality, rather then try to determine your interest based a long list of impersonal and more often then not, irrelevant questions!

6) Do NOT just talk about yourself: It’s important to try to make dates interactive. This is done by asking questions and follow up questions. No one is interested in someone who only rants about their own personal interests, hobbies, and career. Make it seem like you actually care what the other party has to say or thinks. When you’re on a date and realize that 2 hours went by and you are the only one that has been speaking, and the only topics that you spoke about were the summers that YOU spent working at HASC, then maybe you should take a step back and inquire what the other person’s interests are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very important to be passionate about your career and your hobbies, but to talk nonstop about your career as a successful financier or your time spent in the Beis Medresh as a kollelnic can lead anyone to want to want to kill themselves!

Here is the basic framework for a healthy discussion on a date:

Buchur: Ask question.
Meidel: Respond to question. Maybe use a story to illustrate your point (one word answers are NOT acceptable), follow up with a question for the buchur.
Buchur: Make a witty comment (for the more advanced conversationalists ONLY! Great way to fall flat on your face if not adequately experienced/prepared!), Respond to the meidels question, illustrate point with a story. Follow up with another question. Etc.

This is the basic framework of a how NOT to have a discussion on a date:

Buchur: Talk about your day for 10 min straight.
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talk about his career for another 10 min
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talks about the summers he spent at HASC
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”

If you feel like your conversation is going like the former, then congratulations, you’re on a roll! However, if you feel like your typical date discussion is more accurately described by the latter conversation, then maybe you should take a few minutes and shut your mouth and see what the other party has to say!

7) Do NOT ask the girl to split the bill with you: There are certain things in life that you just don’t do. They are unspoken rules. For example: You don’t make a phone call while in an elevator full of people, you don’t make eye contact with people on the NYC subway, and you don’t tell someone whom you never met that you liked their “pics” on Facebook. Another big no-no is for a buchur to ask a girl to split the bill with him on a date. It has been tradition for many years that a guy takes the girl out and pays for the date. Asking the girl to split the bill with you is just not classy. If you can’t afford to shell out too much money then go out for ice cream instead of dinner, or go to for a walk in the park instead of getting courtside seats to a Knicks game. The power is in the buchurs hands when picking an activity for a date! A guy shouldn’t go on a date like he approaches hanging out with a group of his cronies. When you hang out with your buddies from night seder you can split the cost of the activity. When you hang out one on one with a meidel who you are courting, the buchur MUST pay!

8) Do NOT be a back seat driver: No one likes backseat drivers! That’s a fact! Very often a buchur will have to shlep to the end of the world (i.e. Long Island/Staten Island/Queens etc.) to take out a specific meidel! In order to get to one of these remote locations, a buchur must drive on less then pleasant roads (Van Wyck, FDR, Grand Central, etc.), while having to endure the less than pleasant drivers (NYers), in addition to having to drive during extreme rush hour traffic! This is part of the price a buchur must pay for dating a NY girl. However, one thing a buchur shouldn’t have to endure is a meidel who insists on commenting on his driving technique at every red light or Stop sign. If a buchur stops at a Stop sign a meidel should not say “Go, already!” in a very annoyed tone. A meidel should not instruct a buchur to put on his turning signal if he forgets, nor should she suggest better breaking techniques! After sitting in 2 hours of traffic on the Grand Central, getting cursed at and being cut off by the unpleasant drivers, and getting heat from your boss for leaving work early, the best thing a meidel can do once she gets into a buchurs car is just smile and look pretty! That will be more appreciated then any type of pointers you can give regarding a buchurs driving skills!

9) Do NOT complain about the date on the date: People always analyze their dates with their friends. That’s fine to an extent! It’s always great to get feedback and bounce ideas off each other. If a date is really horrible, it may even be good to rant about it to your friends to get all those feelings off your chest that you weren’t able to express during the actual date. However, to complain during your date to your date and tell him how unimpressed you are with the venue he has chosen and say something like “I thought you were taking me to a real concert” or “This place is a dump” or express your disappointment for being taken on a subway is really just mean! It’s fair to assume that most people put some level of thought into a date even if it’s just at Starbucks. One must determine which Starbucks to go to and must come pick up a meidel from their residence. These simple things all require a buchur to be somewhat courteous and thoughtful. All the more so, if a buchur takes you to a more original place, even if you don’t like it, it’s just not appropriate to be a witch about it. I’m no poseik, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s better to bad mouth your date to your friends behind his back, then to hurt his feeling and embarrass him on the date itself!

10) Do NOT talk about how shady you were before Israel: Very often, you will encounter a guy or girl who loves talking about their “past life” or how much they “flipped out” in Israel. Here’s a bit of advice: This is not hot! Finding out that your date was the school drug dealer or the school smoocher is not impressive on any level. The fact that an individual still mentions his/her shady past just means that they haven’t actually gained anything from their year in Israel and are actually still proud of how messed up they were in high school. That’s the equivalent of going to a job interview and saying “Man, my last firm hated me because I would harass all the women at work and used to take drugs in the bathroom stalls. Thankfully, I went to a psychologist and rehab and now I’m clean.” On the one hand you might be “clean” now, but why the heck would a company want to hire someone that talks so fondly about their naughty past! Moreover, why would a firm want to hire someone who had that type of past, when they can hire someone with the same credentials who wasn’t a complete nut job at their last firm? The same thing applies with dating. If you managed to luck out and score a date with a quality meidel/buchur even though you severely messed up in high school, keep your shady past on the down low until you develop a relationship with the person and are obligated to disclose that type of information!

Let’s call a spade a spade: Shidduch dating is not a fun process! There are very few people I know that actually like dating for the sake of dating. Most people do it, find their bashert, and are happy to make it out with as few emotional scars as possible! The key is to try to make the whole shidduch dating experience as painless as we can. To do that one must act courteous to their dates and treat each other with respect even if you think the person that you are dating is a total freak show. Being respectful means not asking uncomfortable questions that really don’t concern you, or not making your date feel nauseated by eating like a wild animal, or hurting your dates feelings by mocking him and the venue he chose, or keeping in mind that your date had to trek all the way to Long Island during rush hour traffic to meet you and not busting his chops for forgetting to put on his turning signal when parallel parking! The bottom line is we are all in this shidduch dating game together. Let’s make it as bearable as possible by reviewing the 10 aforementioned rules of engagement, and praying to Hakadosh Baruchoo everyday that we make it out of this phase of our lives with our sanity still intact!