4 Steps to Solve the Shidduch “Crisis”

There is no such thing as a shidduch crisis! Sorry to break the news to all those shaddchanim and dating sites that have leveraged that phrase to market their services, but the fact of the matter is we have blown this whole shidduch dating thing completely out of proportion! If you speak with people outside the orthodox Jewish circles regarding their definition of the word “crisis”, it may help put things back in perspective. A random guy on the street may define the word “crisis” as the brutal genocide taking place in Darfur, or possibly allude to the 1918 flu pandemic where an estimated 50-100 million people were killed worldwide. Over the years, orthodox Jews have managed to take the word “crisis” and made it synonymous with people that are not married by the time they are in their mid-20s! Not only is this not a crisis, it’s actually pretty silly! The only crisis in the Jewish dating world today is the mindset that we have developed regarding the quest for our bashert. What can potentially be a fun process, with the opportunity to meet a variety of different people, has turned into nothing short of abnormal! We have turned shidduch dating into an arduous process, with tons of pressure, and silly questions about the person’s mother. Below I have outlined the 4 steps we can all take in order to return the orthodox dating scene back to normalcy and to eliminate what many Jews perceive to be a “crisis.”

Step # 1: Get into shidduch dating shape: Shidduch dating shape refers to both a physical and mental state. Very often people want to start dating and can’t seem to get any dates. Generally, one of their first obstacles they must overcome is where they stand physically and mentally.

Physically: Regardless of what people might say, looks DO matter! As I mentioned in previous posts, we can’t control our genetic makeup, but we CAN optimize what we have. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with a physique that can earn you a spot on the cover of Men’s Health or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue (i.e. everyone reading this), then you have some work to do. Join a gym, make yourself a workout schedule (and stick to it!), and lay off the cholent at this week’s Kiddush!

Mentally: One must also get into the right frame of mind mentally before they start shidduch dating. This means you should know what marriage requires emotionally and have a good idea on how you plan on supporting yourself. People rush into marriage nowadays likes it’s the newest fad. Marriage isn’t playing house, it’s a LIFETIME commitment. You should know what you are getting into before you start dating. If you can’t imagine yourself having the same person up in your face 24/7 complaining about their problems, nagging you, and drilling you with tons of questions, then you are probably not ready to get married! This type of mental maturity comes over time and one shouldn’t rush into the dating scene until they have reached this level of mental maturity.

Step # 2: Make sure everyone knows that you’re in the “Parsha”: For some reason many people are very secretive as to whether they are dating someone or not. Others want to just sit back and wait for their bashert to fall into their lap. Like many things in life, sometimes you need to step up and be a little assertive. Once you have completed Step # 1 and know you are in the right place, both mentally and physically, make sure people know that you are now eligible to date! While many individuals “don’t get involved” in setting people up, you will also encounter a fair amount of folks that are more then willing to help out. The more people that know that you are looking to date, means more doors will open up. After a few months of networking with friends, family, and anyone you meet, you will eventually see an inflow of people contacting you to set you up. Don’t be shy! Let people know that you’re in the Parsha!

Step # 3: Don’t be so picky….it’s just one date: Probably the biggest obstacle standing in the way of many singles, is the amount of screening and filtering they must do before agreeing to go out with somebody. Question after question about the smallest and sometimes the most irrelevant things such as: frequency of cinema attendance, seatbelt wearing techniques, and weather the individual’s mother elected to cover her hair! My solution is simple: STOP WITH THE SCREENING! One should ALWAYS go on one date with someone if they 1) Find the person somewhat attractive, 2) are on the same page religiously. Meet the person for a cup of coffee and see how things play out. You are not bound to anything and can learn an infinite more about a person by actually meeting them for an hour or two, then by asking the shaddchan a battery of questions and speaking to their multiple references! When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game! The more people you get in front of, the better chance you’ll find your bashert, so don’t limit yourself!

Step # 4: Go into your dates with an open-minded attitude: No one knows who we will end up with. Very often people will go into a date looking for exact and super specific qualities in a mate. While it’s important to have a general idea of what you are looking for, it’s impossible to find someone that will agree with you about every single issue. Don’t be so rigid! If someone has a different political stance then you, different minhagim, or the wrong hair color, don’t throw them away! If you simply enjoy spending time with them, find them attractive, have many common interests, and agree on most issues, then you know you found someone special!

Our own worst enemy in this shidduch “crisis” is ourselves! Repeat that phrase to yourself next time you start complaining about not getting any dates, not being married by the age of 24, or living through the biggest shidduch “crisis” in modern Jewish history. Unlike the mass killings in Darfur or an uncontrollable virus spreading across the world killing millions of people, the shidduch “crisis” is something that is in our power to change! We have the ability to work on our physical appearance to get us more dates. We have the power to be more assertive in our shidduch networking to get more shaddchans to set us up. And most importantly, we have the power to have a more “chilled out approach” to dating by limiting our intense screening process! I’ve often heard the phrase that “God helps those who help themselves.” Keeping that in mind, we must do our part to help our shidduch prospects, and then Hakadosh Baruchoo will intervene and make sure that we will ultimately find our bashert in a timely manner!