10 Reasons why Stern girls won't date me (and my analysis)!

This post was originally written on 1/4/2009

As any honest single Jew can tell you, the shidduch scene today is nothing less than absurd! Whether it's the silly questions during the initial screening process, the abnormal interaction between guys and girls, or the analysis of every single detail of a date. All of these areas can be discussed and critiqued at great length do to their absurdity; however, the area I'd like to focus on is the excuses I've been given as to why various Stern girls won't go out with me. Keep in minded that I've been rejected by quite a few Sternies, so I'd just like to pick my ten favorite/most frequently heard rejections:

1) "She hasn't started dating yet" - What the heck does this even mean?!?!? When girls come back from seminary do they have a letter from their rabbi of an exact date when they can declare themselves eligible to date? And since when did a single date become such a big deal? We aren't chassidish! I have no intention of proposing after the second date. In fact, there is a good chance that the only thing that the meidel will talk about is the summers she spent working at HASC, which will put me to sleep and there won't even be a second date! Give it a go! Declare yourself eligible…it’s only a date!

2) "She wants to make Aliyah" - That's cool! Maybe I do too! Maybe I want to move to LA. Maybe I want to move to Brunei or perhaps move to Africa and join the Dinka tribe. But that is something that can be discussed over a first date. One should look to marry a person, not a piece of land! Granted Israel is an important piece of land, but believe it or not the Torah is portable and one can build a home with Torah values anywhere in the world, just like Jews have been doing for centuries. The most important thing is who you build your life with, not where!

3) "You wear jeans" - Yes I do. Some Sundays if I have nothing too important planned, I get a little rebellious and break out my jeans! Ohhhhhhh God! Not jeans! NOT FREAKIN JEANS! HE'S A SHAYGITZ! WHAT'S NEXT, YOU GANNA START HAVING ILLICIT RELATIONS ON YOM KIPPUR IN FRONT OF THE ARON KODESH WHILE EATING A CHEESE BURGER? C'mon. Jeans are tznius. I apologize, but the penguin look (black and white), just doesn't do it for me!

4) An irrelevant 3rd party just "doesn't see it" – This excuse is the #1 cause of the shidduch crisis! You want to be set up with a certain individual and you ask someone who you thought was your friend to mention it to the person and they reply "Yeah...I don't see it!" Of course you don't see it! I know you’re not a prophet! I would never impose on you to predict the future! That's why I asked you to mention it to the person that I want to take out, not to make a prediction of if we will be married! If someone asks you to set them up with someone, mention it to the person and let them make the decision!

5) "I'm in the middle of something" (i.e. went on 1 date with someone else) - Let's clarify something! Going on one date with someone isn't being in the middle of something! Going out for a couple months is "in the middle!" Going on one date barley qualifies as "the beginning" because nothing of substance has even started yet! And for the record, it is completely muttur to go on a first date with multiple people at the same time...just ask your parents or anyone from the previous generation!

6) "She's actually applying to medical school now" - So? That's like me saying "Yeah, I'd love to go out today, but I'm actually planning on filling up on gas....kinda takes a lot out of me!" Obviously, I am not equating the difficulty level of applying to medical school to filling up on gas (unless you are from NJ like myself, and don't know how to pump your own gas), but come on! If you were taking the MCATs in a week than that's a different ball game. Applying to medical school shouldn't consume your whole life! If it does consume your entire existence, than I feel bad for you, your family, your future husband, and may God have mercy on your soul...

7) "I want someone that learns X-teen hours a day" - No you don't! Who do you think you're fooling? Let me tell you what you, and all Stern girls want: You want to live in a suburb of NYC (i.e. Teaneck), you want to go to Israel for succos, Arizona for Pesach, to send your kids to a modern orthodox yeshiva, modern orthodox camps, and you want to have tons of shiny jewelry! Unless you have someone sponsoring your marriage (i.e. your parents or in-laws) and your husband is a kollelnic with zero responsibilities, than try to be more realistic. If you find a buchur who makes a legitimate effort to go to minyan 3x a day and schedules in time to learn daily, in addition to having a steady income, than you have found yourself a quality buchur and you should be quite satisfied! [For the meidels who have just returned Israel: Save this and read it again in a year when you get more in tune with reality! Right now you're probably just assuming that I'm off the derech and practice avoda zarah.]

8) "I don't date guys that go to the movies" - I rarely watch TV, and only go to movies on occasion. But if your judgmental enough to not go on a date with someone because you found out that they have attended or plan on attending the occasional film, and not look at a single other aspect of their personality, than you aren't mature enough to be dating and I’m sorry that I spent anymore than 5 seconds looking into you! NEXT!!!!

9) "Does he want to take off time to learn in Israel" - Actually I did that already...it was called shana aleph and it took place after high school! As beautiful as it sounds to move to Israel for a year after marriage to "learn and grow together" some people need to get a job and don't have the luxury of parents or in-laws that want to sponsor their marriage until the newlyweds decide to get their act together!

10) "He has too many friends" - I kid you not! Someone said they weren't interested in dating me because I have too many friends! I never realized that having friends would hurt me! Is being socially awkward what the Stern girls are looking for now? Maybe it is! Social awkwardness and being boring seem to be the two most appealing things on Sternies shidduch wish list.

To conclude: I feel the overall themes of these rejections were the lack of honesty and the inability to be in tune with reality! If you aren't into my look because I wear jeans or work out, than just say so! If you don't like the fact that I'm driven enough to get a job and make a parnasa than I'm cool with that! If minayn 3x a day and an evening chevrusa just don't cut it than please just be honest – you are looking to marry a kollenic and want to move to Bnai Brak, not a YU graduate! If the fact that I am in tune with reality bothers you, then maybe you need to be honest with yourself and hold off on dating until you come back to the real world! In the meantime, the only excuse that I have ever taken as being valid consists of only two words: "I'm married!"

[This post was published in the March 20th, 2009 addition of the Jewish Press: http://www.thejewishpress.com/pageroute.do/24030]